A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this guy for a bit over six months. I never cared about his past at first. He told me he was with a girl for around five years and had a nasty break up.Lately I keep thinking about their relationship. I have never even seen her. All I know is that my bf is beautiful, so I am assuming she was some kind of attractive. She is also 100% colombian, and I always hear in the media how gorgeous those women are (although I know its stupid to think the whole country is made up of models). I am a little younger than her, I am mixed with Persian,Black, And Italian. My bf tells me how he thinks im unique and beautiful.I have a darkish color(sort of like nicole scherzinger), dark hair, eyes. I have never had a problem with this, but I am starting to think in our society I am not what people prefer. I have people complimenting me all the time, but I can't help but wonder if i just look sexual to them because I am "exotic" or do I really have good looks? I guess it's hard to explain....My guy told me that I am better than his ex, and he kept emphasizing my body. That made me insecure, but he said ur face is too. I said so ur saying im prettier? He looked at me and then said yes. I felt like it took him too long to answer that. I asked him to be honest and he asked if I meant naturally or all done up? I then said both, and he said either way ur better. If that is the case why would he feel the need to ask if its while natural or done up?He told me he did think she was pretty, but he has no attraction for her because of what kind of person she was. He told me that he thinks there is no comparison between me and her, and compared to me shes just ok.I feel soooooooooo insecure asking this but its like I can't stop myself. I think its because they were together for so long,and I guess I am wondering what was so great about her. She sounds terrible from what she has done, so I assumed he must have been in lust with her or somtehing...He has answered the questions but im still not satisfied. He told me he can only tell me what he thinks, and hes not sure what others would. He then invited me to ask his friends if I want to. I told him that if he thought i was beautiful than he would know his friends would say i was better...but since hes saying he doesn't know she must not be just ok like hes saying. He tries to make it sound to me like shes plain jane and im so above her, which I don't believe. Don't you think if someone was beautiful, and another wasnt that you could pretty much guess what your family or friends would say?to make it worse he told me shes not pretty, she kinda looks like mila kunis.I happen to think mila kunis is beautiful....but he said it doesnt mean shes just like her, she just has that "look" going on. It just made me more insecure because I Now imagine her looking like the beautiful mila kunis....seriously what is wrong with me? Do you think he said anything I should be suspicious about? i am 21 btw
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ex girlfriend, his ex, insecure Reply to this Question
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female
reader, xtwinklex  +, writes (27 February 2011):
She's his ex for a reason, same as you're his girlfriend for a reason.He doesn't want to be with her, he does want to be with you.No two people are ever going to be equally matched. One will have prettier eyes, the other will have the best laugh ever heard. It's all subjective, and again... he's with you not her for a reason.We all get insecure but constantly letting this get the better of us is what people find unattractive. Your boyfriend has done nothing wrong so don't make him feel like he has - he probably took his time answering your questions as he felt put on the spot, didn't want to lie, didn't want to hurt your feelings etc. Give the guy a break, he wants you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2011): I agree with the other posters. Besides, I don't think you can compare yourself fairly with an ex. Every person is different, and beauty is really in the eye of the beholder. I know it's trite, but it's true. Besides there is no one who is perfect. She may have been beautiful but it sounds like she may not have been so great on the inside. Besides, wouldn't you rather be with someone who loves you for more than your looks? I've had crushes on people who were beautiful before, but once I got to know them better, my feelings faded because they were not such great persons on the inside. The last person I dated I was not initially physically attracted to at all, but over time I thought there could not have been a more gorgeous human being on earth. Do you really want him to date you just because you're prettier than his ex? Relationships built on appearances alone never last and perhaps that is why he did not stay with his ex. But really it is irrelevant at this point. I think you would be better off just focusing on you and your relationship with him. He obviously wants to be with you and not her, so believe him! If you keep fixating on this issue you will just push him away. It is very frustrating and tiresome to be with someone who constantly questions your love and needs constant reassurance. The biggest aphrodisiac is someone who is confident and knows they are a great catch. Just focus on your good qualities and remember that no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. You'll find that the more secure you become about yourself the stronger your relationship with him will become. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Nothing your boyfriend says will make you feel better about this. It wouldn't have mattered how quickly or slowly he answered your questions, either. This is *your* problem, and yours alone.
Would you be happier if she had turned out to be morbidly obese? Or covered in trashy tattoos? Or completely average in every way?
You would have found something to be insecure about no matter who she was. To be fair, he dated her for five years, and some of those feelings will never go away. He probably is more attracted to you, to, partly because you're new to him and partly because you like him - both of those have a strong effect on a guy's perception of a chick.
I can tell you that being insecure and demanding constant validation is unattractive. If you trust him to be faithful, stay with him and be content with it; if not, break up and stay single until you've got the self-confidence to be with a guy.
If he had a promiscuous past, you would be right not to trust him, but he was with the same girl for five years. He's probably wired for monogamy. This is a good past, not a bad one.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 February 2011):
I think this problem is entirely your own. He has said and done nothing at all that is even remotely suspicious. He has tried extremely hard to try and explain you are the better girl. And if that's not obvious, the fact that she is an ex is the biggest tell tale of all. She is an ex, i.e. a woman he simply doesn't love and can't be with. Nothing was great about her - that's why it ended.
If you are serious about being with this guy, you now need to get yourself some help to deal with your insecurity. He simply can't do anything else. It now has to come from you. That means you going out and getting counselling, and it means you finding out what it is that truly makes you so insecure about all this.
If you don't step up and seriously stop with the insecurity and interrogation, and assuming that he is in some way saying suspicious things, you will lose him because he will not be able to deal with you.
Do you love this man enough to step up to the mark and get help for your own insecurities? He can't do anything else now. It's up to you.
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