A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so ill try and keep this short. My boyfriend of almost 2 years is CRAZY. He's abusive. Verbally, emotionally and recently, he's starting to get a bit psychically abusive. (pushing, shoving) We have a baby together. I love him but i hate him. He threatens me and screams at our daughter. But, he had a very bad upbringing, adopted, abused sexually as a child, homeless at 12, bashed for years by his foster parents and is 22 and still doesn't know who his birth parents are OR if his birth date or anything even exists and his foster mum died 10 years ago this month and his foster dad is in jail for raping not only my boyfriend but other children aged 2-12 years of age since the 1970's. He got very nasty last night (i'll leave it at that) and the police took him to the hospital for a mental health evaluation. He has agreed to get help for himself and our relationship (whether he goes through with this i don't know) but here are 2 text messages i received from him .. "It's how yous (my family) treat me, use my stuff, no a jerk has feelings i fucking don't thanks to you and your family" I rang the police because he was pushing me, yelling at our daughter and telling me he would hang himself.I then received another text-"U have no idea how much i love you and you don't care"And"I don't know how to cope, all i know is that i love you"When i hear this, my heart melts. I love him too.. but he's like as if he has 2 personalities.. one minute hes the love of my life, the next he looks like a crazed psychopath. I don't know what to do.. I need advise from people who are outside this situation looking in. Thanks!
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 October 2009):
Short and to the point.
You and your daughter must come first. You can't do anymore for him. Good luck.
A
female
reader, cheery64 +, writes (16 October 2009):
l feel for you as lve just ended a relationship almost identical to yours only he didnt have the awful upbringing your boyfriend had. my only advice to you is to get as far away as possible until he has had a LOT of professional help. its awful to walk away from someone you love,believe me lm hurting like crazy-but at the end of the day you have to think of you and your daughter x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): You need to take care of yourself FIRST, and your child. He needs to take care of himself FIRST... if either of you fails this your in trouble... you can't take care of him, he can't take care of you.
You need to seek counciling for your own 'recovery' as (even if you can't see it) you're carrying damage from this realtionship. He needs serious mental health work, which could seriously help him.
It's going to be a tough road to travel, seek some assitance, seek a support group (they're free, or nearly so, and a HUGE resorce for learning life skills relative to this horrid stuff he went though. good luck!
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (16 October 2009):
 I really feel for your boyfriend. I can see why you love him. He has had a horrendous upbringing and I can see why he has so much anger. when he hits you - its not that he really wants to hurt you but due to his upbring he has a lot of anger inside.
I agree with the previous aunt. You need to protect yourself and your baby. You can still love him but he needs intense counselling. He also has to help himself. he knows he has had this upbring. Other people have also experienced bad things. He needs to open up and deal with it and find someway of venting his anger. Boxing or even working with people who have experienced similiar as he would clearly understand their needs. He needs to look at life more positively and stop feeling sorry for himself.
I feel really sad as I have never heard of someone having to deal with so many issues in one lifetime.
Keep us posted on developments.
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A
female
reader, smallerthanu94  +, writes (16 October 2009):
There is only one thing that you can do, he needs therapy. If you really do love him then maybe you should let him go. Then he would see how he can't act the way he is because then he will loose you. I did the same thing to my boyfriend of two years. He wasn't doing anything remotely close to what your talking about.. but we got back together and things are amazing. We just found out we are having a baby and I'm so happy. But one thing that I would never in my life deal with is abusive- mentally or physically. I don't tolerate any of that and neither should you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): Well, from the sounds of it he really probably does need help, like ten years of psychotherapy if he had that kind of an upbringing.
You can't stay with a man who abuses you no matter how your heart melts when you hear him plead with you. You have to think of your child, too, it is a dangerous environment to raise a child in....to be screamed at as a baby, then beaten as a toddler? No way, this is a deal breaker. Don't let him emotionally blackmail you by threatening suicide or blaming you for things.
I think the best thing for you and your child is to remove yourselves from this relationship and hope that he gets the therapy he needs. Even then, he may not be able to change and grow, but the sooner you stop enabling him by putting up with his behavior the better. He needs to learn that he is causing his own problems, no one else.
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