A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf and I have been together off and on for over a year now. Before we started dating, I was hanging out with him and an acquaintance of ours, after a night of drinking and partying with some friends. We decided to call it a night and this other guy gave me a ride back to my parked car (I had left it at the bar). We ended up chatting away in his car after we got there and before we knew it, about an hour had passed. Neither of us were tired so I told him to call my future bf (whom I had a crush on) to see if he was still up and wanted to hang out. He did, so we drove back over to his house and continued to hang out. Here's the issue: We started dating maybe a month or so later and a few months into the relationship, he asked me if anything happened between me and that guy that night during that time we were alone in his car because he had assumed something had. I said no, which is completely true. I enjoyed talking to the guy but in no way found him attractive, plus I'm not one to have random hook ups with men. A few months later, it came up again and this time he said this guy had told him we hooked up and he believed I (not the guy!) was lying about it! This obviously upset me because not only was my bf accusing me of lying, but it also meant he thought I was capable of being kinda slutty. It wouldn't matter because we weren't together at the time but it still bothered me. He still wants to be with me, despite the fact that he believes this guy's story, but I can't let it go. Every time I bring it up we get into a big fight but I can't let it go because it still really bothers me even though the fighting over this is causing major problems in our relationship. In my defense, I brought up a situation equally as suspicious in which he, before we started dating, had a drunk girl stay the night at his house after taking her out on a date. He says nothing more than "heavy petting" occurred, but this girl has a reputation. I don't necessarily believe that they didn't have sex but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I love him and want to trust him. I asked him whether or not it would bother him if I believed he was lying about that and he said no because he knows he didn't have sex with her. Well, I know I didn't have sex with this other guy either but it still bothers me! Does this mean that he probably did have sex with this girl and that's why he doesn't care if I don't believe him? Am I just being too stubborn by letting this bother me so much? Should we just agree to disagree and move on and never bring it up again? Or should I stick to my guns and not be in a relationship with a man who believes I lied to him? Is this a dealbreaker or not? Please help!
View related questions:
crush, drunk, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (13 October 2012):
 Hmm, I can see how he would ignore that message. It did sound like he would be getting into the middle of a couple's argument. I would send another one, last one, and say "I don't mean to start anything, I just want my boyfriend to know that nothing happened between us because it didn't. He doesn't believe me and I want him to hear the truth from you. I'm not mad at you, I just want to get past this with my boyfriend and I'd be very grateful if you could respond to me. Thanks." If he still doesn't respond there's nothing else you can do there. I would then show my boyfriend that I emailed him TWICE and he hasn't responded but that should be proof enough that it didn't happen because I wouldn't put myself out there if I were lying. Then I'd say- if this isn't enough to believe and trust me on this issue I can't go forward with you, I'm not a liar or a slut and I need you someone who trusts me and doesn't think of me this way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2012): Thanks for the replies to my question! I did send a facebook message to the guy who supposedly made the false claim (he had since moved out of town) to try to clear my name after my bf brought it up again and get to the bottom of it. I asked him if he ever told anyone we hooked up and explained the situation: that someone was lying, either my bf was lying to me about hearing the claim since originally he did say he just "assumed" it (I found it odd that he changed his story) or that this guy was lying about what happened that night. I told him I didn't care either way, I just wanted to know the truth for peace of mind. Well, the guy never responded. His lack of response didn't clarify anything either since it could mean he either did say it and didn't want to own up to it, or didn't say it and was avoiding getting in the middle of a childish argument. Whatever the case may be, I don't have proof, thus the dilemma.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (11 October 2012):
Oh but I will add I do not think you should agree to disagree and ignore this. You need to find proof to back you up or tell him he has to believe you for you to continue in this relationship. It won't go away by ignoring it, you will bring it up in future arguments and feel very resentful towards him for never believing you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (11 October 2012):
He sounds like a negative person. It is easier for him to believe it happened and accept the bad truth than to hope you didn't do it and feel like an idiot. He's pessimistic and expects the worst outcome. As for him saying he wouldn't care if you didn't believe him about the night with that chick, of course he says he wouldn't care. For 2 reasons. One because he hasn't been in that situation, since you believe him, so he assumes it wouldn't bother him, he doesn't actually know. And two, because he wants you to let this go and he needs to appear as though he wouldn't care if he were in your shoes so you shouldn't care either. In his twisted negative thinking he probably believes that the fact that you won't let it go further proves that you did it, since if you were being honest it wouldn't bother you.
I'm a pretty negative person and have been the same way as your boyfriend. Back when my now husband and I were first dating we had broken up and during the break I received rude hurtful emails. They were from a random name. I was certain it was my husband- then boyfriend. When we got back together I didn't believe him when he said it wasn't him. I told him I wouldn't care if he did send them, maybe he was mad at me, etc but he was adamant he never did. I still didn't believe him, and told him so. This did upset him but he did get over it, he knew he didn't do it and knew me well enough to know I am not a trusting, look for the best outcome optimistic positive person. Within a couple weeks we did have proof that he didn't send the emails, it was my sister's psycho ex. I apologized profusely but my husband just laughed and said " I told you so." His easy going and honest nature are his best qualities.
I understand why this upsets you. I wish there was a way you could get proof to show your boyfriend. Could you ever talk to that guy again, get his number or email from your boyfriend? Could you send him a message or email blasting him for why he lied to your boyfriend about having sex? Of course allowing your boyfriend to read the messages. That ought to prove your case enough, a liar wouldn't put themselves out there like that. I'm not telling you his behavior or lack of trust is okay. I can just kind of understand it in a way. If it's a deal breaker for you then you should leave. It's all up to you and what you are comfortable with.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 October 2012):
 I think that would be for a lot of people. He's assuming you're lying over what this guy says, just because he's a guy. It's bad enough some guy is going around bragging about a hook up that didn't happen, you don't need your boyfriend jumping on the bandwagon. So yes, for me that would be a dealbreaker. Pity he felt the need to fixate so strongly on something that happened before you were even dating.
P.S. I would bet a lot of money the reason he doesn't believe you is because he is lying about the drunk woman at his house.
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 October 2012):
I think it is a disgusting scenario in general and certainly a deal breaker (to me). It should be no business of him if you slept with the guy OR not. He shouldn't have even asked his friend. I could go on and on but this double standard is really bad. I would agree with you in that he could have slept with the girl which is why he does not believe you.
...............................
|
