A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so if you've ever seen those things on the internet where the girl or guy is asking for help because they walked in on their partner masterbating, well here's another one.Now you see, i don't have a problem with the guy masterbating, but when he's getting off to another girl that's just wrong.My boyfriend and I have been going out for a little over 2 years and we live together, recently the sex life hasn't been going so well, not because the sex isn't good for me, but I don't think that he's enjoying it all that much because the last time we had sex was about a month and a half ago.Well today we woke up around 1030 and I said that I was tired so he told me to go back to bed and then when I didn't he got really upset. I was wondering why he was being so rude so I asked him why he was being mean to me and he said it was because i was bothering him. Well he asked me to make him breakfast, i don't mind because i love making him his food but as long as he's downstairs while i'm making it for him but he refused to go downstairs with me, so I told him that if he wasn't going to go downstairs that I was just going to make something for myself, little did he know that I wasn't all that hungry so i went downstairs to make myself of chocolate milk, while i was fiddling around in the kitchen i saw him in the hallway looking downstairs at me so i thought that maybe he was going to come downstairs but instead he went back into the room and closed the door, that's when i kinda got the feeling of what was going to happen. I tip toed upstairs and surprisingly the door wasn't locked but when i look straight at the computer screen there he was watching some porn just about to take his pants down. I was horrified. The masterbating doesn't bother me but the fact that he didn't even ask me if I wanted to do anything with him, and that's the reason why he was so anxious to get me to fall asleep and for me to leave the room, that's why he was irritated with me becuase he wanted to have his alone time with his computer.He can go ahead and masterbate, but the fact is that he was trying to do it behind my back and trying to get rid of me for it. he knows that i have a low self esteem of myself already and what hurt the most that it was a girl who was way prettier than i am that he was about to get off to.This is kind of embarrassing to talk about, I get the feeling that he's no longer attracted to me, and he says that he is but the thing is that I am living with him and he had a chance to ask me to do stuff with him. The fact that he jumps when I get too close, like last night for instance, all I wanted was to be held and he told me move because he felt like i was in his little personal bubble. Space is good, but communication is key and we don't have any of that anymore
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no longer attracted, porn, self esteem, sex life, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Pazush  +, writes (24 August 2010):
 hi,
discussions with him arnt needed. ask advisors about their experience as well...
just do it.
dont hide from responsability about your relationship
if people was running away everytime things went wrong, the term love was shipped to trash.
learn from those things. be better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks!
Ok, so I know you guys keep saying try to keep talking to him about it and I keep trying and he won't open up, so what I've decided to do is write him a note because he actually reads those. And I took alot of the advice that you guys told me and just spiced it up a little and told him what I thought about it. So I'm going to give it to him and see what he does with it, and I've also asked him what he'd like from me and see how that goes on. If he doesn't respect what I am needing to do for him and us or whatever, then I'm pretty much done with trying with him and I think that's it's about time to move on.
Also I noticed that last night we kind of "did it" but that was reallly only because he was trashed when we got home we both were, but does that mean anything that he only wants it from me when we have both been drinking?
Also he usually doesn't last that long and it seems as if he almost doesn't get turned on by me anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): Aw well, i know exactly how you feel, my boyfriend is the same he even get's those nudity magazines, and clearly i look nothing like the girls in the photo's so you can only imagine what's going through his head.
But basically, in your situation, all you can really do is talk to him tell him exactly how you feel, and how it makes you feel insecure and silly to even be with him, if he's doing that sort of stuff, there is no point to be with someone if they don't appreciate you.
Don't waste your time on someone who isn't there. I mean it's not good if he's pushing you away, and wanting a lot of time on his own, but then again men are weird ha! All you can do is talk to him, make sure you know that you've done nothing wrong though, maybe just xext time your together in bed, start talking about fantasies and such things see if you can create one of his fantasies to turn him on. Sorry about the shite advice, i really do hope everything works out.
this question just means a lot to me cause i was in the same situation. XX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2010): run like hell & get away from someone who does not communicate or care to make it better. if that is "normal" and "ok" for him and it's not for you - he has to talk about it, open up, acknowledge your feelings & work it out. if he's not trying, he's not worth your time!
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A
male
reader, Pazush +, writes (23 August 2010):
Hey writer, Dont forget to update:)
@for agonyauntj,
although i might see things a bit different from you,
i belive that The mind is influenced by body just like the body is influenced by the mind.
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A
female
reader, AgonyAuntJ  +, writes (23 August 2010):
 No problem at all, best of luck! I am glad it helped a little.
You can always try to do a few things to spice up the sex life, perhaps buy a sexy outfit or new undies.. you know the drill! Only if you're comfortable of course. But sex isnt the only thing in a relationship, which is why i wrote more about the mental side of things rather than the physical, unlike Pazush. But i mean, try whatever you feel is necessary! I really hope it all works out, feel free to write in again.
- AAJ.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 August 2010):
 I would like to point out that you don't need porn to masturbate. You can masturbate without porn. So if you're that horny that you just can't wait for your partner, masturbating will feel good no matter what. Also I understand that people occasionally just want some time alone, and that can be healthy to a sex life. In fact it is probably a beneficial thing in that it allows you to really find out what feels good on yourself. However, passing up a real person, in fact getting irritated when they won't leave you alone to watch porn, is very unhealthy. I mean she was right there, and instead of asking for sex or trying to seduce her, he made her leave so he could wank to porn.
I know you say he doesn't want to talk about it, but since it is a real issue in your relationship, you should really try to get him to. Obviously you can't make him talk about it, but refusing to talk about it is a) a little controlling on his part since he knows it's an issue and that it bothers you and b) very childish.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok read this as I am replying to each one unless you answered annonymously...
so @q1605: Thanks for the advice but that's not the case. I was asking for some nice advice not some mean one, but thanks. You obviously didn't thoroughly read it because that's diffinately is NOT the case
@Pazush: Ok got it! Thank you, and I WILL try that, because that is great!
@AgonyAuntJ: Ok, I understand what you said, no worries. I've tried most of these and I do NOT understand why he doesn't like to talk to me about things. I want him to open up to me like I do him because I am truly and honestly and fully open with things, I tell him everything but I don't know if this is such a good thing because maybe there are somethings that should just stay out of the relationship. I will definately talk to him about for him to help me help him figure what it is.
Thank you all so much for the GREAT advice!
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 August 2010):
 Q.. the sex has slowed down, he jumps when she touches him, he leaves her alone and chooses to use a porn magazine, he says "he felt like i was in his little personal bubble."...
Does that sound like a man in love to you?
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A
male
reader, Pazush +, writes (22 August 2010):
Hi,
here is a summery you should follow...
are you used hanging up nude around him for last month?
-constant nudity leavs no room for imagination. men prefer staring at your bra than your breasts. he probably got used to your body and it dosnt excites him... you can solve it by sleeping and hanging up dressed next to him.
do you do things out of the house when he stays or the opposit?
-thats good, give him time for himself... you shouldnt be sticked with each other 24-7. hanging out with different friends is also acceptable
do you live alone or with parents?
=living alone make fewer people arownd you two... not so good, although it is better than living with parents :)
it also indicates for maturity
do you take all showers together?
-well, dont... he will start to realize he have to gain your body. also he will realize that you feel somthing is wrong
now, most important! Be Beautiful.
fact youre living together sometimes makes you 'neglect' yourself with time
take care of your look like you attend to meet a guy you have just met...
just for being clear, im NOT blaming you with anything... im describing a classic scenario that happens most of the time. YOU have the ability and will to make a change.
try those, for a week... i promise you will get results :)
p.s.
you shouldnt go so far and break up with him... this situation is causd because of common mistakes and can be fixed to normal easily. people today have a rush to end a relationship for any little trouble, i dont think its right
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A
female
reader, AgonyAuntJ +, writes (22 August 2010):
Ok, i would say NOT to hide and watch him behind his back. That's spying and it's pretty deceitful if you ask me. How would you feel if you caught him spying on you? But of course, that is your choice. Its possibly the easier option, but the sly one.
However i do agree that he probably has some intimacy issues, and that it isnt you. Far too often, someone in the relationship will notice change in behaviour in their partner and feel as though they're to blame. The chance of there being someone else is always there, but i dont really understanding why he would be masturbating if he was getting sex from elsewhere. Unless there is someone else he is fantasising about, who he wants to get closer to.. but im afraid no agony aunt on here can tell you if that's the case or not.
Whatever it is, you need to somehow get through to him. Spying just simply isnt an option, its so demeaning. Although i will admit i would certainly be tempted lol. But my conscious would get the better of me and tell me, ok, you just need to ask him, you know?
If he continues this behaviour, then perhaps you should talk about how you feel, how its getting you down and explain how, if he has some kind of porn addiction, or drug problem or something like that, then you are there for him to help him get through. But he needs to start communicating with you. If there is someone else, tell him that you need to know NOW. You can decide what to do with that if that's the case, when you come to it.
I know you say you've asked him already and he says he does still find you attractive, so you might be reading this thinking, why should i talk to him again if he just denies anythings wrong? But what i will say is this; sometimes you just have to think to yourself, what other choice do i have other than to solve this honestly and brutally? If talking to him doesnt solve this, if he wont be as honest with me as i am being with him, then do i deserve someone who will be? And if i cant get through to thim this time, perhaps its time for me to lay down the law. Tell him straight, dont beat around the bush. Either communicate with me, help me help you through whatever you might be feeling, or you will end up pushing me away. And once im gone, i wont come back. Put your foot down, be strong, be firm. And stick to your word. Sometimes love can blind us into wanting to stay but if in the end you will be unhappy, then you cannot wait around.
This is a slightly jumbled answer, i have read it over and it is a bit confusing but i hope you can understand what i am trying to get across to you. No one deserves to be made to feel useless, worthless, unattractive, unimportant.. any of those things. But if youre going to attempt to solve this, do it honestly. You said it yourself, communication is key....
- AAJ
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! Thanks for the advice!
I tried talking to him about it, and everytime i try to bring it up he gets really upset and wants to drop the subject.
I tried asking him why he's been acting wierd and why he jumps at everything i do and he never wants the convo to keep going and then he thinks that I'm bitching at him or that I wont' leave him alone about it! What should I do? What's wrong with me to make him hate me so much?
I tried asking him why he turned to porn and didn't want me know about it or ask me if he wanted to do something and he didn't want to talk about it.
It wasn't that I was tired that he didn't want to do soemthing, he was pushing me to go back to sleep and he was getting upset at the fact that I wouldn't go to sleep or leave the room so he could get it over with i'm assuming.
I did at one time find him masterbating next to me while i was trying to go to sleep and one morning before i left the house i walked back into the room without him expecting it and he was about to masterbate again.
It's wierd and I don't think that it's because he has sex issues i think that he likes the feeling of satisfying himself more than the feeling of having sex with me, what does this lead me to believe but for me to think that i'm not good enough.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): In my opinion fantasies are innocent, he won't get these girls and the chances are he knows that.
You could try to jokingly ask him and seeing as your just kidding around he might give an honest answer even if he's "joking" - you may have a good answer :)
But if it REALLY bothers you, you could put a block on the internet - there's sly programs that aren't in your face but still do it. Or put a new folder on the desktop with sexy pictures of yourself or videos, as long as you're comfortable :) The next time he's "on his computer" you could poke your head in and see what he's enjoying himself to :)
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (22 August 2010):
 Ahh geeze. Let me tell you this seriously:
There is nothing wrong with you. His issues are his alone. You didn't cause them, and he's not looking at porn and acting the way he is because of there being something wrong with you.
He is having intimacy issues. If this wasn't always the case when you were going out, it could mean that he's met someone else (maybe! not sure!) or that he's feeling the relationship going stale, or that he's fallen into porn addiction to the point where it's affecting his real life interactions with people.
Him jumping when you get too close is the more worrisome sign of there possibly being someone else. If it was just the porn, I'd say that he was just being too selfish or gotten too hooked on it. I wouldn't also discount possible drug use (like meth or cocaine, which tends to make people jumpy).
If I were in your position, I'd recommend observing him more closely, especially when he thinks you're not around. Possibly make up a weekend getaway for yourself, get a hotel room in town, and keep an eye on what he does when he thinks you're nowhere near around. You could also get the help of a very close friend to help pull that one off too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes. To all of them. What do you mean do the exact opposite?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 August 2010):
It sounds like your relationship is in trouble. A guy dosen't jump up and push you away when he's in love. Forget about the porn, that's not the real issue. For some reason your guy is turning away from you and wanting space to be on his own..
You need to have a proper talk about whether you stay together or break up... I think this guy is on his way out...
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A
male
reader, Pazush +, writes (22 August 2010):
Hi,your bf might lost passion with you...if you live together, there might be few explanationsare you used hanging up nude around him for last month?do you do things out of the house when he stays or the opposit?do you live alone or with parents?do you take all showers together?if most of the questions answered YES, than do the exact opposite!
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