A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Do you think this was selfish?. My boyfriend and I have been having problems for a while. Lately, his phone has been switched off more, or I have called his phone, and he hasn't answered. He agreed to meet me at my home on Friday to go to a health centre with me. I have been concerned about a lump. He said he had been concerned too, and that he hadn't been able to sleep. When I woke up on Friday, I vomited un my kitchen sink straight away. I had to be ready half an hour later . I was feeling very weak, and it took me a while to get ready because I was so weak. Even when he arrived, I wasn't quite ready. When he had been in my home for about half an hour, he saw me take some clothes out of the washing machine, but didn't offer to help me hang them to dry. He also asked me to make him a cup of tea, but again, didn't offer to help. He just sat on the couch. I tried to make the first cup of tea with one of the cartons of milk that I had, but it had gone off, so I was just about to make another cup with the other carton of milk that I had.I was stressed because I was ill, and worried about the lump,and because my kitchen was a mess, and I didn't have the energy to tidy it. I made a comment saying that I wished that I had some help. He could see that I was upset, and tried to ask me what was wrong. I told him that I wanted him to help me with the cup of tea, and asked why he just sat on the couch. He started shouting, and said that the relationship was over. We were stood on the stairs by then. I stood in front of him facing him, blocking his way past, and he kept shouting at me to let him go past. I then stop infront of him with my back to him, and held on to the stair rails to try and block him. The whole time, I was crying hysterically, saying that I wanted to go back upstairs and discuss things, and I said I was scared about the lump, and about going to the appointment alone. He said that he didn't care, and wanted to go. I then asked him if he would just go to the health centre with me and then go home, and he said he would. He said he was going to stand outside and have a smoke. I saw that he closed the door properly. I thought that was strange because he wouldn't have been able to get back in without me unlocking it. I opened it and asked why he closed the door. He said he didn't know what he was doing yet. He stood there for a few seconds, then he jumped over the walk and left. I was shocked!. I ran back upstairs to put my shoes on and get my phone, then went looking for him. I looked all over my local area. It isn't a very big place. I knew that he could have been walking home (he lives in another area, but still in the same town) . I tried to call him, but he didn't answer the phone at first. When I got through, he said he wasn't going to tell me where he was, and said he wanted to think about things for a couple of days, then he would tell me what he decided to do. He told me not to call, and just text. I said that I didn't want any more arguments in my hone, I wanted peace and quiet, and it wasn't fair to the neighbours. He sent me a text saying that I can have some peace and quiet on my own.Do you think he really wants to break up?. Is it my fault?. I am so hurt and confused. I had made some accusations when his phone was off , and I don't know if this is a big deal, but he has been writing in text talk lately, where you dont spell the words properly, like by writing "luv" instead of "love" and "2" instead of "too". I thought that was strange, as we have been together for nearly a year, and ge never wrote like that before, and he didn't learn it from me, because I don't write like that. What do you think?. I think he was selfish for not at least going to the health centre with me. I told him that if he was concerned about me, he should have just gone for a walk for a while, then come back to me after about half an hour or something.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 I think you might be relying on your boyfriend a bit to much. I know you are worried but I am sure that he is as well. You accusing him of cheating and being hysterical at him is only going to make things worse. You need to both talk like adults. He simply could not cope with you being hysterical. You mention you suffer from anxiety, this is also difficult for your partner as well. He has asked for space so please do not contact him, allow him to contact you. What you need to do now is look after your health. You are blaming him for not going to the health center with you but it is not his fault, neither is it is fault that your house needed cleaning. If you had asked him would he help am sure he probably would have, he could not read your mind. Call the doctor tell him your issue and see if he can do a house call, or even better talk to a friend or relative and ask them for there help. Good luck. I hope you get good news.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2016): HiNot a lot of men out there would walk into your house, look at what needs doing, or what you need help with, and do it. Some would, but most wouldn't. They don't think in the same way as women. So, if in the future you need help from a man, you need to ask them nicely, not irritated, would you hang the washing out, or make the tea or whatever it is you want help with. Usually they are very willing to help, they just need clear instruction. You have to remember that their thought processes are very different to ours and what seems like an obvious thing to do, isn't to them. I can understand your feelings about the lump, I've been in the same situation as have a lot of people and it's scary, but it's still not a good idea to become hysterical with your boyfriend. You will scare him away. I think a lot of people would walk away from that behaviour. You can be terrified and ask for his support in a way that makes him want to help, not run away. Neither of you sound very mature.I do think he wants time alone to think and maybe to finish it. Following him and calling him is just going to make things worse. He will run even further. Leave him alone and see if he comes to you. If he doesn't, then you have your answer. Read up on the differences between men and women, how to function well in a relationship and how to approach problems so that you are more likely to get the outcome you want. There are ways and means.Anyway, plenty of time to think about men after you get yourself seen to. Go with a friend or hospital volunteer. But concentrate on giving yourself peace of mind first. Good luck with it
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (29 August 2016):
 "A doctor would have checked the lump if we had gone to the health centre. I have anxiety, and can’t go on my own.”Just assume for your personal health’s sake that he’s an infantile responsibility shirker and due to his IRS he’s unable to be a proper support to someone who needs to be accompanied to the health centre.Sadly, this is a widespread epidemic and there are many infantile responsibility shirkers unable to cope with being grownups and supporting their partners. You are not alone.Now that you know this, that he isn’t going to make tea, or hang up your laundry or hold your hand during this difficult time, you need to drop him entirely from your personal wellness plans. You need to exclude him from your thought process, you need to remove him from the list of people you can count on. He’s not going to do it.I don’t know why or what to do about it.What I do know is that you still need to get to your doctor and get the EFFING LUMP LOOKED AT. Yes, I shouted at you. Sorry for that.You ring your doctor and you tell them that your anxiety is keeping you from getting this lump checked out and that you need more help.Alternatively, you find a friend or a relative or a co-worker or a nice local health centre volunteer to help you to get to that appointment.Stop worrying about the infantile responsibility shirker and start focusing on what needs doing. If you have a lump that needs checking out, move heaven and earth to get yourself to the doctor PRONTO.I do take some solace in the knowledge that you are able to find your shoes and walk and look all over your local place. This means you are able to find the energy and strength to get up and ambulate if necessary. So you can get up and find your way to your doctors! :)
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 August 2016):
 Sod him. Your first priority has to be you. You need to go and see a doctor. Do you have a friend or relative or neighbour who could go with you if it is so hard for you to go on your own? If not, phone the doctor's surgery and explain your problem and see if they can help in any way (perhaps a nurse could come with you?)
The charitable side of me wants to say that your boyfriend is probably as scared as you are about the lump and acting out because of it. the uncharitable side of me wants to say he is a lazy jerk and doesn't want the hassle of looking after a sick girlfriend.
Either way, he is not your No 1 priority at the moment.
I hope you get good news about the lump.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 August 2016):
 Just leave him be for the time being. I know you're hurting and upset, but if you keep trying to message him you're very likely to push him away further.
As for the doctors appointment do you have any family that can accompany you ? This is the most important thing for you at the moment, definitely not the relationship. Your health is the most important thing here, so make sure you book another and attend it ASAP. If you have no one to go with you then you really need to make the effort to go alone no matter how hard it is. This could be serious.
Give him time to think things over and if he wants to break things off then so be it. Relationships run their course and if that's so then he wasn't the right person for you and there is another person out there that will fill the gap that he's left.
But please, ensure you attend that appointment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): The title of this post is wrong in a way. I wanted him to go to the health centre with me, but after the argument, I didn't go to the health centre at all. A doctor would have checked the lump if we had gone to the health centre. I have anxiety, and can't go on my own. I needed his support.
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