A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My bf met up with his ex behind my back 2 years ago. He lied about it but the truth eventually came out. Not only that he'd saved semi naked (recent) photos on his computer from her facebook. We had a massive argument and had a break but I eventually forgave him and we got back together. Two years on we've been good, a few ups and downs but generally good. However he asked yday if I was okay with him going to a party. The party was all his old friends when he used to hang round with his ex so it's all her friends too. I am not sure if she is going but I am freaking out and don't know what I am supposed to say to my boyfriend. Please help!
View related questions:
a break, facebook, got back together, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AProblemShared  +, writes (26 January 2013):
 Either go with him to the party or insist that he doesn't go at all. The same ex you've seen half naked on photos he had saved of her at the same party he plans to swan off to? I don't think so. There is no trust and I'm hardly surprised. Your his girlfriend and you have every right to tell him no if that's how you feel and if he cares as much about you as you do him then it wont be a problem for him to miss it. Whether he still chooses to go or not will show you how much he cares.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2013): "Two years on we've been good, a few ups and downs but generally good.""A few ups and downs" is a perennial Top 5 Dear Cupid red flag, surprised you didn't add the usual disclaimer "like any couple." If you are having ups and downs after catching him lying, then your relationship is not good. If you still have reason to distrust him after taking him back, then your relationship is not good. I'm assuming you "forgave" him two years ago after he told you that you're the only one he wants to be with and he promised it will never happen again and he swore up and down he would magically "change" for you, usual BS lines lying cheating manipulative charming con artists feed needy, insecure, clingy, chicks to shamelessly play to their emotions, ego and vanity.Understand he's not asking for your permission to go to the party, he's asking if you are okay with his going, meaning he expects your rubber-stamp approval because he plans on he's going no matter what you think and if you voice any objection or ask to go with him, then I'm almost certain he will throw it back in your face by accusing you of not trusting him.He's a scumbag who has zero respect for you but males can't disrespect females who don't respect themselves. You were a fool to let him weasel his way back into your affections with false promises and insincere flattery because losers like him don't change; if their walked-on girlfriends ever wise up, then they just go on to the next gullible victim they can sweet-talk into bed.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 I would go as well. He really shouldn't have a problem with that now should he?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 January 2013):
 "No, actually, I'm not good with you going to this party with your ex and all your old friends. Why am I not invited too?"
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (25 January 2013):
I tend to trust people until they've given me a reason not to, and depending on how you look at it he could be on both sides of that.
I'd use your best judgment on this, and it appears to me that you don't fully trust him yet. If you do, let him go, if you don't then you should go with him or tell him you don't want him going. If he protests remind him that he's the one who screwed up, not you.
Better yet, if you don't fully trust him you guys still have some work to do!
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Why are you freaking out? Aren't you over what happened two years ago? Have you been freaked out by the thought of her for two whole years? That doesn't sound well, now does it? If it bothers you so much, maybe you shouldn't be in this relationship as it clearly isn't giving you peace of mind, only worries.
Listen, it's simple. Either you trust him or you don't. If you don't trust him, you shouldn't be with him. You can't say "I trust him, as long as I can control all of his actions and control who he gets to see, and then control his thoughts to make sure he doesn't think about them at night". Lets face it, whether he saved a "hot" picture of her to jerk off to or not, he can still think about her using his imagination. And you can't prevent it, and you wont know he does it, and there's nothing you can do about it. So either you have to trust that he doesn't picture her naked in his mind.. or you don't trust him.
If you don't trust him then there's no point in being in this relationship. You can't be freaking out each and every time he meets up with a woman, or in this case his ex. Maybe he thought of his ex two years ago, what do you know... he might be thinking of someone else at the moment who he meets every day without you knowing it. Maybe someone at work. Either you trust that he doesn't.. or you don't trust him.
If you do trust him, then why shouldn't he go to the party? If you are confident in his love for you, then why not let him go?
If you, after several years with this man, still don't know where you stand with him... then again, should you even be in this relationship?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2013): It is understandable that you feel this way after what he has done in the past. You need to talk to him and explain how you feel and try and get him to see it from your point of view and get ask him how he would Feel if it was the other way round.
Hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 January 2013):
 yeah why would he be going without you at all?
Parties are social and you are his partner... him wanting to go to a casual mixed sex social event without you would set my radar spinning...
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Absolutely go with him! It's a positive sign that he talked to you about this before it happened, and it shows to me that he's more serious about you now than he was two years ago.
Your hesitation is normal too. You've been rebuilding trust with him for about 2 years, and this could be an opportunity to move well forward in building that trust.
If he has nothing to hide, then he'll be definitely open to you joining him. In fact, he'd want to show you off!
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Hi
Yes,I agree ask to go with him.If he has nothing to hide he won't mind
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 January 2013):
 Ask to go with him.
...............................
|
