A
female
age
30-35,
*alcon223
writes:My boyfriend and i have been dating for over a year now and he is going away with some friends in august. I know it is awhile away but lastnight we were all sitting around a fire and his buddies brought up going to a strip club while they were gone for there weekend trip. I dont know how i feel about this. I asked him about it when we left and he said it was the first time he had heard about it and it isnt until august so we will worry about it then. I dont know how to take it I dont feel it is right but then I am thinking should i be the "cool" girlfriend and say go have fun babe? I need some adivice. I guess i worry that those girls will look better than me which they all will because i am no super model and maybe he will question having me. OR get off on them.. idk its akward all these thoughts are racing through my head. how should I react? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 March 2012):
 "They do not respect a stripper."If these women are so undeserving of respect, what does that make the men who are so desperate for their company that they pay for it?It is not women in this case who are insecure, but the men who visit strip clubs who are so insecure that they need to pay to reassert their dominance/masculinity over women.
A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (19 March 2012):
 In all fairness, strippers objectify themselves. And I'm so tired of the old excuse, "I'm stripping my way through college" (yeah right). If these women were really that uncomfortable with stripping, I find it hard to believe they would continue to do it. They love the money, and I'm sure they all make more than I do with a college degree and a teacher's salary, so I'm sorry, but I will not feel sympathetic towards the poor, "objectified" strippers.
Anyone who is so severely insecure about their man going to a strip club either a) is completely insecure with themselves or b) have a relationship that is not based upon trust. Either way, the issue is not the strip club; the issue is you or the frailty of your relationship.
I understand feeling uncomfortable, or getting that little twinge of jealousy in your gut, but come on! Look at the big picture, people!
I brought up this topic with my boyfriend to get his opinion on it. He basically reiterated what I said in my previous response- that men go just to kick back, have "guy time", and be visually entertained for a short time. They (decent men, anyway) do not want to be with a stripper. They do not respect a stripper. As idiotic as it sounds, a group of guys going to a strip club is really not much different from going to play golf or going to a football game. They just view it as something to do, where they can "bond" over a few drinks.
Anyway, I personally do not like strip clubs. I've never been, and I leave the room when I'm at a bachelorette party and a male stripper is dancing. I am not entertained by stripping, and it makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. But, overreacting and freaking out about your man going to a strip club will do nothing but probably make him want to go more!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 March 2012):
Except there's a pretty serious difference between talking to someone whose job depends on you thinking they like it (because anyone in a strip club might be paying them) versus someone who no longer has to strip for money. You wouldn't go into a restaurant and ask the waiter to tell you if they like their job before tipping and expect an honest answer. The vast majority of strippers hate it. Do some like it or at least find it a decent way to make money? Sure. But the vast majority hate it and most do not make very much money. This is an interesting paper on it:
http://www.uri.edu/artsci/wms/hughes/stripc1.htm
http://www.uri.edu/artsci/wms/hughes/stripc3.htm
When you objectify people, especially an entire class of people, that's how violence against those people or that class becomes acceptable because an object can't feel pain. Objectification is not OK. Men are not objectified the same way women are. That's a patently absurd claim. Women's bodies are literally used as scenery and decoration in ads, movies, TV shows, displays, etc... Depictions of dismembered women's body parts can be seen all over the place, for instance a recent trend of making urinals in the shape of women's mouths and sinks in the shape of legs and a butt bent over. But also leg lamps, tables out of legs and torsos, remote controls of torsos and breasts, mousepads of torsos and breasts, and chairs of torsos and legs are all examples I've seen in the past week alone. The fact that some ads also depict men does not mean that they are objectified the same way women as a class are. I've frequently heard men refer to sexualized women as not human or less than human.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (18 March 2012):
 No matter how you feel about strip clubs you don't really have the right to tell him not to go, you arn't his parent and you do not own him.
Tell him how you feel and that it's his choice whether he goes or not (because it is). If he goes knowing that you dont approve then this may be a dealbreaker for you, if you can accept that it is a difference of opinions and agree to disagree that's great.
Personally, I'm not offended by strips clubs. I have been with my boyfriend twice, and bisexual female friends. The girls we met and chatted to there loved their jobs and could care less that they are objectified as they make a lot of money in a very short time. Woman AND men are objectified every day, why do you think the clothes and make up industry is so infulential?! They don't take it seriously, neither should you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012): If a man OR woman, adults, want to strip for a living - well why not?
I have been to a 'do' for women, male strippers, it was hilarious... many,many women have paid good money to see The Chippendales. So what.
Its the attitude you go in with that matters.
If you go to get sexually aroused then its completely different to going out of curiosity or merely as part of a nights entertainment.
Its ok to gaze at paintings or statues of nudes so why not a moving person.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 March 2012):
I would tell him to have fun on his away trip with his friends, but that you do not like the idea of him visiting a strip club. If he respects you, he won't go. There are tons of other more fun things guys can do than that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 March 2012):
 I have to say I agree 100% with person12345
Women are humans, not scenery or objects. It's incredibly degrading.
YES to that.
I personally find them lame. (strip clubs) I mean really because you go look at desperate women stripping you are soo cool and sexually liberated or what? Seriously?
To me all Strip Clubs represent is how short a trip we have come from treating women as second class citizens.
However, if you still want to be the "cool" GF, I would have a long talk about what you find appropriate and what's not.
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A
female
reader, Falcon223 +, writes (18 March 2012):
Falcon223 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I'm stuck between yes I don't believe in strip clubs it is wry degrading but I also don't want to be controlling ..
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (18 March 2012):
I understand how you're feeling. I used to be extremely opposed to strip clubs because of how morally reprehensible I believe them to be. Plus, I had your same insecurity, where I would worry about me not measuring up to these women with their great bodies and everything. However, I now realize that it really isn't such a big deal. Men don't view it as a big deal- they just go to have fun with their buddies and make googly eyes at naked or half-naked women. Just like men watch porn, a lot of them go to strip clubs because they are very visual beings. They don't want to be in a relationship with these women, they really don't even want to talk to them; they just think of them as objects that they can stare at for a short time, and then move on with life. That's my theory, anyway.
My advice is to not make a big deal about it, because then you will be exposing your insecurity, which is a huge turn-off for most boyfriends. As the trip approaches, if you want to say anything, I would keep it simple. Something like, "Well, I don't like strip clubs, but I trust you and I want you to have fun, so go for it." A statement like this will show your disapproval, but will also make it known that you trust your boyfriend and you aren't a nagging, control freak of a girlfriend. Freaking out about this will do nothing but make him think you are an insecure nag. Besides, even if you ask or demand that he not go, do you really believe that he would sit in his hotel room while all of his buddies go to the strip club? Absolutely not!
So relax, and keep in mind that as stupid as they are, strip clubs are a past-time of sorts for most men. If your boyfriend is good to you, trustworthy, and faithful, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (18 March 2012):
To me strip clubs are a dealbreaker. You shouldn't make yourself feel bad and resent him just because you don't want to be thought of as not cool. Women are humans, not scenery or objects. It's incredibly degrading.
Also to think that other things don't happen is a joke. I've only seen one survey about this particular subject, but it found that 100% of 300 strippers at 10 or so strip clubs had been sexually assaulted, verbally assaulted, and had requests for prostitution while at work. I know people who have worked at strip clubs, and they all say the same thing, that some men will try to stick their fingers into their vaginas as they walk past, they've been called repulsive names, and have been asked for "extras" in a back room. Another common theme is that the majority hate the men who go to strip clubs and spend their breaks talking about how disgusting they all are. At least among the strippers I've talked to, they all drink or take drugs to get through the night.
So no I wouldn't be OK with my bf supporting that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012): Hon, I wouldn't worry about it at all.
If he were going to strip clubs by himself all the time and it was interfering with your relationship, that would be a red flag.
In this case, it's obviously a one-time thing, and you say his friends brought it up so it wasn't even his idea! You have to understand that if he says no his buddies are going to heckle him for it.
I know it's hard to accept but by FAR the best thing you can do is let him go and not make him feel bad about it. You will come across as so much more mature and trusting as opposed to insecure and jealous, qualities that aren't attractive in anyone :)
Good luck! xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012): You don't have to react at all, its just a strip club,the girls do it for a living, probably dance several times a night. Its just a job and the men who watch go for a laugh, just to see what its like to see a live woman, a professional,strip.
I don't expect for one minute your boyfriend will compare you to a stripper,whatever she looks like. He will have a few drinks,act like a lad, leave and go to a Bar or club.
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