A
female
age
30-35,
*inkbunni3xz
writes:Here is the background story:I met this guy through my best friend's bf. I know this guy is a genuine and nice guy just because the people he hangs around with I'm all pretty familiar with. We met at a hangout for the first time and we hit it off pretty well. Things were moving along pretty smoothly and we were pretty crazy about each other. He is a really steady guy and we made it clear what kind of relationship we both wanted before we wanted to make it official. We've been seeing each other for a month and things were going awesome.He is really close to his family and especially his mom. He is the only child and I think he can be a mama's boy sometimes. His mom has always been extremely overprotective of him even at a young age. I'm the first girl he's ever really pursued and his mom was really excited to hear from him. She always asked about me and what we did on dates and seemed really eager to meet me. I finally accepted the invitation to dinner one day when I went over to hang out at his place. Everything at dinner went pretty smoothly. The mom did not talk to me that much mostly because I think there is a language barrier. At the dinner table she even said to him in their language that I seemed really nice and she liked me. However the next day she caught him off guard and went into his room and told him she thought we're incompatible. He got so angry and an argument started right away. They yelled at each other for a while before he stormed outside the house. He drove around for a while then came to find me. When I saw him he looked pretty torn. I can see the despair in his eyes that he was broken because he really wanted us to get along. We sat in his car for a long time. In the beginning he was still very affectionate and telling me he wanted to be with me and I was the girl he always wanted. But closer to the end I can see something change, I asked him about how he is feeling and he told me he's so overwhelmed and is at a loss and does not know what to do and where to go from here. He started crying and that's when I knew he couldn't hold on anymore. He said he does not think we can make it anymore. I stayed calm and collected. He got irritated that I was still being so nice to him and in the end I really did not know what to say anymore. I left his car and told him let's just not contact for a while because I can't face him for a while. That's how it ended...My bbf told me that he msged his friend to cancel the double date we're suppose to have. My friend said that he sounded really emotional and depressed over the phone and even said some pretty dramatic things like "he's going to take up drinking again, and his hand is wounded from punching his car". I guess he does not how to deal with this kind of conflict as it is his first time. Also put in a position where he has to almost choose between his mom and his gf.I would love to hear anyone's opinion on this if there was something I did not catch on or anyone who's been in a similar situation. My friend predicted he'll come back because he made the decision so irrationally. His best friend told him to just "man up". I'm so conflicted and torn because I really had hopes for this one. So depressing that we were going so great with no conflict and a third person comes screws it up.
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reader, pinkbunni3xz +, writes (31 December 2012):
pinkbunni3xz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks ladies for your replies. I have thought long and hard about both your replies and both have very different insights.K_c100 : The mother never told him why she thinks we're incompatible. From what he told me, she just stormed into his room and said we're not but she never gave reasons. He got really pissed off right away and it got heated really fast. From what I predict the mother could be intimidated by me as to she is no longer the only woman in his life anymore. I do also suspect it could be a cultural thing too.I wish I had a choice right now. But I am still getting over the break up and wanting to let go. I guess that night he broke up with me and we never spoke since. I wish I can stop hoping he would still come around.annette1974: Thank you for validating his affections for me. Honestly if it wasn't for you I would of kept on guessing that he did not like me enough. I understand your points but at the same thing you did raise a good point about him being able to stand up to his mom. He's not that young. He's actually 24 going on 25 this year. He has been sheltered by his mom pretty much his whole life. He's really serious about his career and that was his main focus after high school. I feel like I do need a man in the end that will put me as a priority. I don't really want to just stand around to wait for him to become one. It's really unfortunate because I thought we were really compatible.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Why does his mom think you are incompatible?
I think you have 2 options here:
1. Find out what his mom's issues were, figure out a way to get past them. Maybe this is through talking to her, getting your boyfriend to talk to her etc. Obviously this depends on what her problem with you is, but you might be able to resolve it.
2. Let him go and be thankful you are not going to be stuck with a controlling mother in law. Only children are difficult, and if there is a mom involved who is very over-protective then its never going to be a good outcome for you. She would be involved in every part of your lives, it would quickly drive you mad and would make your life very hard. I know it seemed promising but you cant change someone's family, this is not just some '3rd party' - this is his mother, and the bond between mother and child is rarely broken. I dont think you would want to come between them either, no-one should have to choose between their parents and their partner.
The choice is yours, but I'd be inclined to let this one go, the mother sounds like too much to handle and isnt worth the trouble.
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A
female
reader, annette1974  +, writes (17 December 2012):
Wow! Ok; how old are you two? My keyboard is broken so please excuse my typos:) Does he still live with his mother? Which country are they from? Is he of a particular religion that does not match yours? Obviously he adores you! That is absolutely NOT the problem;however; it is extremely bizarre that you met his mother and you could not understand what she was saying and sure she wasnt saying much to you at dinner! She might have felt embarrassed that she could not speak English! You could have been the most adorable thing in the world and most likely did everything perfectly but you cannot control how someone else feels in your presence:( Maybe you intimidated her; have you ever thought about that? Maybe you dressed a little too nicely and were as sweet and as beautiful as can be:) This is a great thing; but if he is an only child and she is in a country foreign to her own and doesn't speak English; he may be her only source of happiness! Maybe not;but immigrating to a foreign country and feeling out of place can really do a number on your head and she may not have many people who she can be friends with and she may be really depressed because of this which would make her more overly protective of her only son! Look; this guy really likes you! I actually feel worse for him than I do you because he is really stuck in such a horrible situation! If this happened with you; for sure it will happen with as many girls as it takes until he is brave enough to tell his mother that she is being unreasonable and inappropriate! Now this could take years of therapy sessions! If I was you; I would really thank your lucky stars that you are as fantastic as you are because you ruffled his mom's feathers by being someone that she feels threatened by! Look; I KNOW it sounds weird and it doesn't make any sense! Some mothers are just weird like this and if you are the first girl that he has really dated then you guys must be young! Please do not take this as a rejection or think that he doesnt like you or think that you are not good enough! If you did think that and take this personally then you would really be making a huge mistake and it could unnecessarily hurt your self-esteem! Ask yourself something though: do you really want the hassle of dealing with an overly controlling mother who either has a hang up about your religion; your language; your looking too good; your polished manners; most likely you are more educated or she feels as if maybe you are; or any of the above? I am just making things up because this is really bizarre behavior! I mean; of course he is going to say that all his mother said was nice things! You would not know otherwise; would you? How on earth would his mother know if you two are compatible if she could not even understand what you were saying and you only met once? She may think that he is too young to be so serious about a girl but then again; those type of mothers never quite think their son is old enough to date anyone! Just see how it goes:) My guess is that it is a religion and language thing
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