A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Five months ago I met a guy online and we hit off it seems. We are at the stage where while we never talked about being exclusive, I've met his parents and friends and have been introduced as his girlfriend. I've never closed my account at the dating site where we met but I changed my profile so that all my information is removed and my profile inactive. However he is still very much active. Don't tell me I'm wrong for checking his status online, I'm not spying or whatever. I just need to know. I haven't logged on to the site in a very long time but today I went to search for him and not only is he online and active, he's even updated his profile with new pictures and information about himself. Which obviously tells me he's still searching for other girls. What do I do? I feel awful because I thought we had a good thing going. I want to and have stopped looking for other guys because I want to give this relationship between us a chance and see where it takes us. But I need to know he feels the same. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for the advice. I am going to talk to him about it. I'm not going to mention the profiles but just to see where we are in the relationship and what his thoughts are about it.
Throughout the day I keep thinking and talking myself out of it saying I don't want to ruin a good thing and to just not mention anything. But then I read your comments and realize that it's been a while and it's been long enough for him to know if he is willing to see where we end up it not. And I think that's something I deserve to know.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I agree there was a reason you checked.
If you have never had the talk it's time to have the 'are we exclusive talk"
if he says yes, then you can say "so if we are exclusive why did you update your profile on XX/xx/xx on blah blah blah site?"
and of course his response could be:
a. what are YOU doing on the site in the first place? (the response is the truth "checking up on you")
b. or some weird lie....
or he could tell you 'hey I'm not ready to commit you are fine for right now but I'm leaving my options open'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): I am sorry you have found yourself in this position. The thing is this. IF he had any real feelings for you, he would have done as you did and taken himself off the dating site. Instead, painful as it is, he has updated his profile and he is still actively seeking other women. I am afraid this is not someone who is head over heels in love with you. He is probably just using you as back up.
I am sure you are very sensible but if you have had unprotected sex with him, please get a check done to make sure you are okay because you dont really know anything about his sexual activities!
Try not to blame yourself for his behavior. It is not your fault. He gave you to believe you were his girlfriend and that is enough for any girl to feel she is in an exclusive relationship. But he is being a player, giving you the false impression of exclusivity without actually saying it, while looking for and meeting up with other women.
I would do as suggested by the Aunts that have said you should send him a link and bid him good riddance! It will hurt for a while but not half as much as being shackled for years to a sneaky cheat!
If he gets back to you with excuses about misunderstandings, his low self esteem, just keeping up with a few `friends` on the site etc. It is up to you if you want to believe him or not.
But i think his being on a dating site 5 months into a relationship with you is terrible. He has gotten to know you yet has made the decision to keep looking for someone else. That tells its own story!
He is not a decent guy because he should have been honest with you and said no exclusivity because he is still looking elsewhere. He has been wasting your time. You deserved to have been told the truth AND you certainly deserve a lot more respect than this guy has been showing you.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 Hi
You did right to check him on the Dating Site, you must have had a gut feeling or you wouldn't have bothered.Its not like you accessed his password etc,you just saw what everyone would see.
I do think he is keeping his options open, which is not something you should tolerate as he is acting as though your a couple and his actions are now proving he isnt all he seems.
I agree with the other Aunt, send him a link of his profile and bid him farewell.
Good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): Obviously you two are not on the same page as far as your relationship status. Talk to him about this. If he is lying then the only thing left is to break up and not waste another minute on him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 December 2012):
 I don't think there was anything wrong with checking his status. It wasn't snooping. You didn't hack into his email account or rifle through his phone when he wasn't looking. You accessed publicly available information. And a good thing you did.
This guy may be fond of you, but the best case scenario here is he's hedging his bets. In other words he wants the comfort of having someone to fall back on if things don't work out with you, but he doesn't want you to have that same comfort.
This wasn't some guy you just met 3 weeks ago. You didn't read more into this relationship than there was. He hasn't simply hinted that you two are exclusive. He's stated it by introducing you as his girlfriend. Unless he clearly advertised from day one that he was seeking an open relationship, he's been cheating.
Frankly, I think this is a deal breaker. My advice is you should send him an email with a link to his updated profile, and wish him the best of luck in his search. Then block and delete him so you won't be tempted to take him back.
I'm very sorry this has happened. Thank God you exposed him for what he is now rather than later.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2012): wow, that is so wrong :-( you should ask him why does he keep his options "open" talk to him and see what he has to say. good luck.
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