A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my boyfriend for five months and we really love each other like I’ve neber before we only see each other the weekends as he lives 40 mins away and works nights but that’s changed this weekend he’s back on days and was supposed to be moving in , we get on great like best friends but he’s been a bit quiet and had a few days off work he rang me Friday morning crying saying he had something to tell me , he’s been battling depression and instead of going the doctors he smoked heroin to make him feel better he said he did it 25 years ago and got help so he’s going to do it again , he’s been brought up in a bad area his friends are in prison or around drugs and I’m so anti drugs I’ve been brought up in a lovely area and family , he wants me to stick by him while he gets help he said it only started again two weeks ago he’s at the doctors today , I know if it was the other way round he would help me through it , I’m just shocked because heroin to me is the worst drug I can think of I don’t know anyone only who does it , I’ve told my mom for advice but she’s told the whole family so I’m getting messages of them dump him I don’t know what to do I really love him he’s amazing every other way this is why it’s just shocked me about this i want to help him but is This too far should i break up with him as I don’t know if I can trust him , thanks x
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2020): There is nothing that you can do for a heroin addiction as they become animals, not human being. They will lie, rob, steal, fight and kill for the drug. They will ruin your life in order to stay high. Nothing or no one matters to them once they hit a point. You need to throw him out yesterday!!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2020): I think he wants you to drop him. You see heroin addicts lie as a way of life and he probably has forgotten to mention his crack addiction as well.Plus he will have a girlfriend already out there and she probably will have given him an ultimatum and found you to fill the gap.No one helps a heroin addict.Soon enough he'll be needing money and then needing to disappear for weeks on end while his drug mates he owes money to are 'after' him!It is more likely he will have found another user to attach to.Sweetheart tell him you were looking for someone serious to introduce to your family.Tell him that you know this isn't him.Tell him your uncle who is in the police force asked for his name and address because he wants to know his contacts because he needs to get promotion!He will be gone.Only he can rid himself of his addiction.You would just become another 'prop'.... a person to visit when someone else has thrown him out.It's not your responsibility at all.Don't offer to wait for him as that is crazy.You've already had the honeymoon bit and it's downhill from now on.Be definate.Be sure.Be decisive and preferably make-up a competitor who's coming back from overseas who has always wanted to marry you.This is all kind to a heroin addict because they want you to be responsible for them and walk hand in hand through their addiction.This is also kind to you because you will always be one step behind the 'heroin' so be very assertive.This is possibly your only chance to get out of this mess.If he would do the same for you then you would be a heroin addict too.Step back into your own world and leave him to navigate his own pathway.He will respect you for it long after you have forgotten him!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 March 2020):
 HE's amazing every other way ?...Are you serious ?... I don't want to joke about what for you is a true heartbreak, yet I feel you do not realize how all this sounds to an impartial listener , or observer: like a line in some ( bad ) sitcom. " Oh he is great, a fantastic boyfriend, the ideal men… too bad that he has this tiny little quirk, he is an heroin addict… hey, nobody is perfect, right ? "
Wrong. Drug addiction, of this order and this particular substance, should be a dealbreaker for any sane, self- respecting, self-protecting person. I don't mean that your bf does not deserve to be helped, and kudoos to him for realizing that he does have a big problem and wanting to fix it, but this is not something you fix with tea and sympathy, and/or a understanding ( read : codependent ) girlfriend. He needs professional help, and in fact , if he is serious, he needs not to be distracted by possible / inevitable love drama or relationship up and downs. He needs to focus 100% on getting clean. AFTER which, you can negotiate and reconsider if there might be a shared future for you (… although, personally, I'd take as a huge red flag an addictive personality who when, he feels depressed, resorts to heroin rather than to counseling !? " I am depressed so I smoke heroin " : do you even realize how self indulgent, how fucked up , how STUPID this sound ? This is the kind of statement that can be barely forgiven when it comes from people like, say, John Lennon, I bet your bf does not even have the excuse to be an unique, triubled musical genius ! )
Don't play Florence Nightingale , please, and put yourself first. You deserve someone who enriches your life, not that damages and endangers it. I could understand that loyalty could keep you beside him no matter what , if you were married , or even together sine a long time- but a guy who you have been dating, once a week, for just 5 months ??…
Nearly unbelievable !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2020): Ex addict here. I say run. People on drugs lie. Who's to say he hasn't been hiding this the whole time and has only just plucked up the courage to tell you? If you stay your life if going to be miserable. Don't try and help someone there is no helping am addict - only they can. He thought the best thing to do to help his depression was smoke that crap. That's a lame excuse. Live your life. This will not be the end of his drama.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): I would end the relationship with eyes wide open to where this could all lead. Then I would say when and only when you are clean and stable helped by professionals will we consider starting a relationship back up.
You can NOT save him, he can only do it. You won't be the first nor the last that thinks they can save him. Save yourself and then reconsider if you want to.
No good two going down, getaway now or it's a road to hell.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 March 2020):
 Honestly?
I think he is asking too much of you. It's ONLY been 5 months and you ONLY see each other on weekends, so while you might FEEL this is going great... obviously there are things you had NO idea went on. Like, serious drug use.
I think you need to have a chat FIRST with your mom. She had no right to go and tell the rest of the family YOUR business. She might worry that you FEEL obligated to stay and help him out, but she shouldn't have blabbed to the whole family.
Secondly, HE SHOULD not move in with you. NO way. No how.
And while it took him 25 years to relapse, what is to say he won't relapse again, and again?
And what ELSE has he been hiding from you?
Do you plan to start a family? Because having he might NOT be a reliable partner or father. And he doesn't seem to make good choices. He CHOSE to use heroin instead of going to see a doctor. Several studies have reported a variety of negative effects on male fertility following drug abuse, so that is something to consider too.
"Heroin is a powerful opiate that alters the user’s brain chemistry, causing mood changes, suicidal behavior, psychological dependence and addiction."
(quoted from dualdiagnosis.org/heroin-abuse-depression/)
So it doesn't HELP with depression to smoke drugs, it makes it worse. Much worse.
Yes, it seems too soon to worry about marriage, kids after only 5 months - but SO does being the care-taker of an addict.
Most people who have dealt with addicts (friends/family) know that it's a HARD habit to drop, they will lie, steal, rob to get their fix. And they will DRAG you down without much thought. Because they don't think clearly.
I think you should encourage him to get help ASAP. But NO moving in together. He has 2 things he needs to deal with more urgently. Drug use and depression.
Personally? And this might sound cold, I would detach myself from him and the relationship. I just couldn't do this. While I think it's GOOD that he came clean, this IS his problem, his ISSUE and HE needs to be the one to fix it. You CAN NOT fix this for him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2020): Breaking-up with him is your choice to make; but I would think heroin-addiction is a deal-breaker!
He has to check into a professional rehabilitation-clinic. If he thinks he's going to kick a heroin-addiction cold-turkey, with only your help; the odds are tremendously against him!!! You should be concerned that this was kept from you all this time; and even more concerned you never picked-up on it.
There are visible-signs. Like track-marks, they disappear for days, they can't hide when they are high, dark circles around the eyes, and many are seriously underweight. I can hardly imagine what kind of job he has that nobody ever notices when he's high? Unless he works in a bar, tattoo parlor, or some establishment where ex-convicts and recovering-addicts going through transition are welcome. Those employers are people helping people; who deserve a second-chance. Provided they are dedicated-workers; and committed to stay sober, and be productive-citizens.
Moving-in together is out of the question. I'm probably wasting my advice; because our advice to a woman who repeats the phrase " but I love him," will fall on deaf ears! They will put their emotions first. Logic and common-sense has to override your emotions. We're talking about HEROIN!!! That is one of the most highly-addictive drugs, derived from morphine! You should also get tested for HIV and hepatitis A, B, & C. You don't know whether he may have shared dirty needles.
He should check into a rehabilitation center. You should give him all the moral-support you can.
He should not be allowed to move-in; until he has remained sober a minimum of a year without relapse. He should continue his counseling with a sponsor thereafter. Anything less, and you'll be back here! Asking what you should do after ignoring our advice.
I've personally dealt with a very dear-friend who was a functioning heroin-addict. He went from a handsome model to a pathetic mess. He lies, steals, and hustles. He is nowhere near the lovely well-mannered educated-guy I once knew. My heart breaks just mentioning it. His girlfriend from years back was a Russian-model turned highly-paid prostitute. She uses the term "professional call-girl." He left her, but it was way too late. She introduced him to the night-life, partying and drugs! After a four-years' absence, he showed-up at my doorstep out of the blue one-day. I had to kick him out of my house! I found one of his damned needles by accident. He lied it wasn't his! He had to go!
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A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (2 March 2020):
 You need to think very carefully about the next step in this relationship. Firstly, never believe what the drug user is saying. He may have started smoking heroine 2 weeks ago but I doubt very much that this is true. Do not let him live with you. It won't help matters. You have to distance yourself from his drug addiction as much as possible. If you allow him in your home, he will take drugs and you will have to live with it day in day out.The only way you can help him is direct him in the right direction of help professionals who are trained in this matter. Insist he attends help groups and puts in 100% effort into kicking this addiction and turning his life around. Most relationships don't survive a journey like this because they can't support a relationship and rehab at the same time. His attention must be on over coming this addiction. You help him by supporting him through this and not adding pressure. 5 months seems such a short period of time to be together and to deal with such a big problem as this. Tell him you wish him the best in his recovery and to get in touch with you when he has completed rehab. That is how you help him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 March 2020):
 The only thing I’d say is not to move in together while he’s in recovery. He will always be an addict, even if he’s not using, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have a great life together, once he’s better - providing he keeps getting help.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (2 March 2020):
You love him? Then stay, at least for now.
He’s had a rough life and bravely CONFESSED to you about his drug problem and depression. He’s asking for support while he gets help. If he gets help and commits to getting better, then why leave before he’s even had a chance?
Rehab won’t be easy and addiction is a nightmare, but isn’t it worth a shot for you to stay, if you do love him?
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