A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I’m hoping I can get a little advice here, I’m feeling slightly .. lost?Here’s a little background I hope it doesn’t bore you.Me and my partner have been together now for nearly 9 years, we have 3 beautiful children together.When I first met him, we were quite young, both worked full time, both lived independently (neither of us have parents that are alive) we did the whole casual dating thing, I got pregnant fairly quickly, I was so so in love with him, he was so everything I wanted, he was kind, thoughtful, caring + I fancied the pants off of him, he gradually spent more and more time at my house, and after about a year of being together he moved in with me. A few weeks after, our little boy was born, I found out when he was 6 months old that he was were expecting our second baby, so we decided it would be best for me to leave work after my maternity was over and stay home full time to raise the children while he worked full time. Things were always good, we’ve always got on, never argued, never disagreed, life was generally good. We went away a couple of times a year, do nice things, just general family life Our youngest now is nearly 3, I’ve been at home now for 8 years, and I am really really thankful that I’ve been able to watch them grow and start school, never have to miss anything + I appreciate him and how he has worked so hard and provided a decent life for us while they’ve been young but I am so so ready now to get myself back into work and get some sort of life back of my own! (As selfish as it sounds) I’ve been looking at part time jobs, just something that will give me a little bit of independence back and a little extra cash in my own pocket But he hates the idea, he brushes it off every time I mention it, he tells me ‘we don’t need extra money’ (he earns decent wages, but it’s not even really about that!) he says I can have money if i want it, but then he guilt trips me if I spend anything, he tells me ‘been a mother is my job’ and I should be thankful I don’t have to work. If I ask him for anything he complains, I found out recently he had another bank that he’s kept a secret (hes entitled to it, he earns it I know) but I don’t have anything coming in personally and he knows this. This was a decision we both made together when I left my job initially.I do so the cleaning, cooking, washing (he’s never ever cooked a meal or used the washer in the whole time we’ve lived together) I do the food shop every Saturday and have to take the children with me because ‘he’s had a hard week at work) he comes home from work every night to his tea on the table, then walks the dog and has a nice bath/shower while I put the kiddies to bed ..We have sex daily, sometimes twice, if he wants it we have to have it, or I’m left to feel guilty, he’ll try it and if I say I’m not in the mood or whatever hI lol just continue until I let him, But it’d boring, it’s all for his benefit and if I ever want it he isn’t interested. He doesn’t me me have my friends round, he will complain he doesn’t like them, or if I arrange to go somewhere with somebody hell say it’s fine for me to go, but then he’ll guilt trip me so I don’t to.I barely see anybody. I see my best fried in secret because he makes comments if I say I’m seeing herHe won’t let me go into town for a drink with the girls because ‘why would I want to go drinking in town when I can drink at home with him’’Like sometimes I can go all week and not even speak to another adult, it’s just me and my 2 year old while the other two are at school I just feel so fed up, I feel miserableI absolutely love him to bits, he’s my best friend, I tell him everything, I feel like I need him, because if he’s not there I feel lonely and a little bit vulnerable (I know how pathetic that sourds!) But I can’t stand the sight of him, he makes me feel so crapI don’t know if he’s changed, if I’ve changed, if we’ve just drifted apart, but I know I’m not in love with him, he doesn’t make me feel happy + he doesn’t make me feel wantedHe’s an amazing dad, the best my kids could ask for, but I just don’t feel like I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him, I know if we didn’t have children I’d or walked away, but how do I break up our family, how do I end it? How do I do that to my babies?Do I stay put until they’re older ? Will they hate me if I leave? I just know I can’t go on like this!I know I’d have absolutely nothing if he was to leave, and we’d have nowhere to go if we were to leave! Is this just how it’s supposed to be? Routine? Am I been silly! Is it just normal to feel like this or is it time to call it a day? Sorry for the length I just don’t know who to turn to!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2020): Hi againI just have to add a couple of points. I have replied earlier with the book recommendation by Professor Lundy Bancroft.What the OP and the people on here who have advised to 'just go and get a job' have to understand is that this man will make it almost impossible to do so. What will happen if you do try to 'just go and get a job' is that he will make it extremely difficult. The night before an interview he will make sure that you have the fight of your lives, so that you don't sleep much the night before and are distracted and unbalanced at the interview.If you do get a job then he will make sure that you have another disruption of some sort the night before your first day, before any important meetings etc. This is a well known ploy that abusive partners use to stop their partners from working. They make it so hard for you to carry on with your plans and do a good job at work that they hope you will just give in.I have had this experience and it is noted in the book I have recommended, as being an abusive ploy to get the abused partner to stay home.I started my own business when I was with my last abusive boyfriend and on the face of things my partner was being very supportive, so no-one would not be able to say that he had a problem with me working. But the truth was that the night before my first appointment, he stared an almighty row. I have no recollection how it started, you never do, because it's always so shocking. I hardly slept, I was unsure of myself at my appointment, did not feel confident because I was so shaken, but I managed it. A couple of days later when I had another appointment, I experienced the same again. This happened four times in a row and I remember thinking on the fourth appointment when I felt so tired, shaky and unsure of myself, 'What a shame that this keeps happening just before I have to feel confident and together'. I didn't suspect that this was being done on purpose until I read the book I recommended. This is an abusive ploy.So you see these abusive people don't make things so easy as to just go against their wishes and do what you want. Otherwise there wouldn't be so many people out there being abused. They are not like normal rational people who will suddenly be pleased that you are working and change their minds about it all. That is NOT how they work. It is NOT their M.O. I left him thank God before he could disrupt my plans anymore. Nine years later and my business is thriving. But only two Christmases ago, he was stalking me, banging on my windows and making threatening phone calls. They don't like you to get on with your own life even years later. OP, this is what you're dealing with now. This kind of man. You're not being silly. He has done a good psychological job on you to make you question your right to not be treated in this way. Please read the book. It will help you enormously. Good luck.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 March 2020):
 I think some of the comments may have forgotten that controlling behaviour is abuse. Abuse often becomes physical when you try to break out of their control. Please be safe when you do any of this and do NOT do it alone. You may be convinced he'd never hurt you, but he’s deliberately isolated you, so you can’t take the chance that he won’t hurt you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2020): Try going to couples counseling. Or just tell him you need to have a serious talk and tell him how you feel about everything and how you feel he guilt trips you. Tell him you guys need counseling and tell him you guys can try to work it out if he's willing to try.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (4 March 2020):
 Your post is rather contradictory (to me at least). On the one hand you state your partner is your best friend. On the other hand, you reveal how controlling he is and how he expects you to wait on him hand and foot and makes you unhappy. Best friends do not do that. They want the other party to be happy, to grow and to feel fulfilled. This is not happening in your relationship. This man is not your "best friend". He is your captor.
That said, your cage is in your imagination and of your own making. He cannot force you not to see your friends. You CHOOSE not to see them to avoid confrontation with him. He cannot forbid you from taking a job. You CHOOSE not to take one because it will make HIM unhappy. Well, SO BLOODY WHAT? You both put HIS happiness ahead of yours. That is not fair on you OR your children, who will grow up witnessing this and believing this is how relationships are supposed to be. I don't know if you have sons or daughters or a mixture but, if you have a daughter/daughters, would you be happy for her/them to be in a relationship like yours when they are older? If you have a son, would you be happy with him treating a future girlfriend the way your partner treats you? I ask because that is what is likely to happen if something doesn't change and you don't show them that being unhappy just to avoid upsetting someone else's feelings is NOT acceptable.
As a mother, your priority must surely be that your children will be happy. Children are like little sponges and take in EVERYTHING they witness. Don't be under any illusion that your children do not know you are unhappy. They KNOW and they think that is normal because that is all they have ever known.
You seem to feel some misplaced and OTT gratitude towards your partner for supporting you all for the last eight years. Before feeling guilty that you may look ungrateful, remember this was his choice and this is the way he likes it: to have you all under his complete control.
In your shoes I would find myself a part time job while the kids are at school/nursery (so that the precious little flower that is your partner can't complain that he has to look after his own children) and let him suck it up. What can he do? He is surely not going to walk out on you just because you have chosen to work a few hours a week. Yes, he may be unhappy about it. Yes, he may pout and sulk and even get into an argument with you. The reason you have never argued is because you have always let him have his own way. Grow a backbone and tell him you are deeply unhappy and, if something doesn't change, you do not know how long you can stay in this relationship. If he is the fantastic father you say he is (even though he cannot even look after his own children for a couple of hours while you go shopping), he will do everything he can to keep his family together.
As for your friends, you NEED to have them around you. If this relationship has truly run its course - which is always possible and not unusual for couples who get together at such a young age - then you will need your friends for support and possibly even a roof over your head.
You can't control how your partner will react but you sure as hell can put your happiness first for the benefit of your children. Then you need to learn to allow him to sulk, to pout, to try to make you feel guilty. Remember, nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission.
Go out and get a life - with or without him. If all works out well and you can weather the storm, this may actually bring you closer together and make you more equal partners in this relationship because, at the moment, it's all about HIM.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): Look, you were TOO young when you had the kids and put YOUR LIFE into a hands of another person.I'm not judging you, but it has always bewildered me how one decides to give up responsibility for AND control over their life.I know that people think that they have it figured out, but life is unpredictable. What happens if the person you're dependent on dies? Falls ill? Leaves you and has no money to pay child support? Loses his job? etc.Here's a thing you can look up - co-dependent relationship.You have given a pretty sweet picture of your marriage, at the beginning, best friends etc, BUT, you have also showed how much HE CONTROLS YOU.I mean, guilting you into having sex??? What would say to your sister/daughter if she told you that a guy had been forcing her to have sex by making her feel guilty? What happens if his tactics doesn't work? Have you ever said no to him and stuck to your guns? have you ever refused him anything and stuck to your guns? You may very well find that he has a completely different face when you do. A face that you won't like. A face that will scare you.You do not know your own boundaries and are afraid to set them. Just because he's the earner in the family doesn't mean that you have to have sex, you do not want or enjoy, because he wants it. Does he even know how much you're not enjoying it? You HAVE TO tell him. Then he will have NO excuse.You are in a golden cage.You are still young. You can get qualifications, if you have none, you can start working, get some experience and go from there.If your husband truly loves you and is not a bad guy, at some point he will accept the change, but it will take work and I mean his work on his issues. And surely he has some since he has been completely comfortable with forcing you to have sex, with you doing all the house work and raising kids while the only thing he does is make money. I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you can pay (especially when you start earning) someone to clean your home, do the washing/ironing, pick up the kids... do it! Do not take on everything. Someone mentioned that you will be unhappy. I'd add that you will be actively ruining your mental, emotional and physical health.And speaking of your kids. Your husband, the way he is acting, is a horrible role model for them. Do you really want them to think that the way you live and the way he treats you is normal? And by accepting this you are doing the exact thing. Your sons will treat you the way he does and they will go on to (try and) treat other women the same way.I'm sorry that you have no family (I have none myself and I know how hard it can be), but you MUST build a network of friends, people that can support you. You just need to put yourself out there and meet people.Things will get worse if you don't do something.Have faith in yourself!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (4 March 2020):
He’s been abusive - intentionally or not. He’s controlled and manipulated you, so that you’re isolated and dependent on him. Please seek advice from the Citizens Advice Bureau, as you are in a very vulnerable position.
You DESERVE a job. You DESERVE to be independent. You DESERVE to have your own money, in case this sort of thing happens. You DESERVE to have an equal partner, not a boss. You DESERVE to have a social circle outside of him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 March 2020):
 It sounds like he has isolated you from the "outside World" over time. Because it SUITS him. And you have realized that this is not how you want to live life.
I think BEFORE you decide to leave, that you need get on your feet and get back your independence, especially the financial one, whether he LIKES it or not.
It might take you a little while to do this, but DO it for you and for the kids.
Another thing I think you NEED to do, is STOP taking your kids with you when shopping, IF he is home, the kids are his to watch. I have 3 kids and have taken them food shopping many times because my husband was at work or deployed to a warzone. When he was home, HE would either do the shopping, we ALL would go or I would go without the kids. And while my kids were good little ones that I COULD take to the store (without having dramas or meltdowns) it's just NICE to be able to TAKE your time and not have to worry or constantly feel like you have to watch them and get things done.
Is it just routine, yes. Partly. The thing is you have gone from being you to being mom and wife. Your husband is fine with you just being mom and wife, because it suits HIS wants and needs, but YOU (I think miss being "you" as well. That means spending time with friends occasionally, working and earning an income, being around other grown ups, getting out of the house and doing/seeing things other than the 4 walls of the home. And that, is NORMAL for many women. Some are happy just being a SAHM (stay at home mom) some needs "more".
So yes, YOU have changed, but so has he. He went from being a BF to being the SOLE breadwinner. He obviously handled that fine so maybe he feels you should handle "your end" of the bargain too. Because "THAT is what people do". (in his opinion)
And I think you DESPERATELY need to talk to him. While he might not understand WHY you want to work (he probably think you have it easy and simple at home with no stress of work and being with the kids that you two made, you MUST be happy!) You need to lay it out to him, the things you NEED for yourself, to grow and be the best you, that you can be for you and the kids.
2 night a month should be a date night, no kids. 1 night a month YOU can go out with friends, 1 might HE can. Sunday can be family day for the whole family.
He might TRY and make you feel guilty for seeing your friend, don't fall for it. SEE your friends. You DO NOT need his permission. OK?
YOU need to stop CATERING to him and letting him control EVERYTHING.
Start with a part-time job, find one and find a reliable babysitter or daycare.
Each week put money aside for "rainy days". If he can have a "secret bank account, then so can you". I think it's a bit ridiculous that he as the sole breadwinner sees his money as his. But if you are OK with that, you will be OK with your own bank account too, right?
If the talking doesn't help and the changes doesn't help either, consider (as the last ditch option) to ask him to do couples counseling. HE CAN'T fix things he doesn't know is broken or not working. I'd say GIVE him the chance and opportunity to WORK with you to make this marriage work.
And lastly... The sex. NO means no, OP. You don't OWE him sex, and if he pouts, well tough. It's another thing you NEED to talk about. If you are not fulfilled or enjoy it then YOU need to tell him or NOTHING will change.
I think you have been guilty of just going along for so long that he is now in total control and you feel smothered. When you PUT up with shit, those around you (your husband in this case) will presume you are happy with status quo. You husband might not WANT you to get a job, OK he isn't IN CHARGE of you. While I do think these decisions are good to make together and agree upon he might not agree because he doesn't feel it suits HIM. He might feel YOU are "saying" you want a job because you feel he isn't working hard enough or making enough. He doesn't KNOW what it means to stay home and run a household because HE does NOTHING around the house.
You REALLY need to talk to him. And you NEED to go for what YOU want and need too.
Leaving is for when nothing works and everything has broken down. IMHO.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): HiI'm sorry you're going through this and no, feeling like this is not normal and not something you should just have to 'suck up'.I have to tell you that you are with an abusive man. I have been with three abusive men and your husband's behaviour exhibits many of the abusive tactics that abusive man use. Abusive men are controlling and manipulative in all areas of your life. They want to control you so you don't leave them.Firstly, not wanting you to have a life outside of him. No job and no friends. Abusive men isolate their partners so that they have no support network to go to, so they wont be told that the behaviour of their boyfriend/husband is not normal. They brain wash their partners into thinking that the way they are being treated is normal and they don't want friends/family telling them otherwise. They also don't want you to have a safe place to go to away from them, so you are unlikely to leave.Abusive men call the shots in all areas of the relationship including sex. He has sex when he wants it, but your needs are ignored. This is so you get to understand and realise that you have no say in this relationship. And coercing you into sex, continuing in his advances until you give in is VERY indicative that how you feel actually doesn't matter to him. Sex in an abusive relationship IS all about the man. The only reason they may put in the effort to give you a good time is for their self glory, nothing else. In an abusive relationship your needs and wants are not important. That is always made clear. Your wish to work outside the home, your wish to see your friends are normal acceptable parts of your life and if you were in a loving relationship, your wishes and needs would be taken into account and discussed. But you are in a dictatorship, which is what an abusive relationship basically is.You start off your post saying how wonderful he is and how you are so happy, then everything changes dramatically, the more we read. This is because of how he made you feel in the beginning of the relationship. I bet he was the best bloke you'd ever met. You couldn't believe that a man like him would ever come your way. He was everything you ever wanted wasn't he? You have to understand that this was an ACT. To get you to fall in love with him and hope, during your future unhappiness that the man you met in the beginning, will return. He wont. This is the guy you are left with. The one you cant stand the sight of because of the way he behaves and the way he makes you feel. He KNOWS you are unhappy and that his behaviour is wrong, but he doesn't care, just as long as he gets what he wants. A wife and stay at home Mum, who will never give him any worry about meeting someone else, because he makes damn sure you don't meet anyone else. Ever. Someone who is obedient, quiet, gives him sex whenever he wants, but never has to put himself out. He never has to lift a finger at home and I bet he has made it plain that he never will and the subject isn't up for discussion. This is what abuse is all about. To achieve this end. And this will never change in him. This is his mindset. No-one is as important as he is. I felt like I was a pet in my last abusive relationship. I was looked after and 'loved' after a fashion, but I got to know my place which was below him and God forbid if I ever forgot that. This is something that happens gradually. It is insidious, it happens so slowly that we don't notice. We know SOMETHING is off, but we're not sure what, because he can be so loving and great, so it must be us, right? Wrong! I am struck by the way that you still think he is great in your post. He has done a good job on you, psychologically. I bet you feel guilty writing anything bad about him, because he has persuaded you he is so great, by being so lovely in the beginning. And probably still is sometimes, but do you feel as though you never know who you're going to get today? Mr Nice or Mr Nasty? My last abusive boyfriend I still describe as the best bloke I ever met. Until he was the worst. And this is someone who ended up choking me, smashing things very close to my head, telling me I'd said things that I hadn't, done things that I hadn't, who made out everything I did was for a nasty motive. If anyone horrible came on the television he would look at me, smile and say, 'You'.It is a gradual drip drip form of psychological torture and, eventually often, terror.They are fantastic in the beginning because they are very clever at finding out what you want and need most and then giving it to you in spades. Which is why it's so difficult to believe that they are happy to make you so unhappy. Please read, 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. This man knows about abusive behaviour and can describe and explain what's happening to you, so that you don't feel you're going crazy. You feel understood by someone who understands what you are going through.Don't let your husband see that you are reading this book. He will realise that you are onto him and he wont be pleased. Reading this book will make you realise that you may well be in danger if you try to leave and I hope you will leave him. They often turn very nasty if you try to assert yourself in any way, especially if that includes leaving him. Don't try and leave on your own, enlist the help and presence of friends/family and make sure you have somewhere safe to go to, where he cant get to you on your own.Unfortunately, he will still have to be a part of your life because of the children. He will never make that easy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): First thing first, put your foot down and start looking for a job seriously once he sees how serious you are, he will give in. Once you have a job and become financially independent then think about the other issues. I have a feeling that eventually he will be pleased to see you working and possibly you will have a change of heart regarding the other issues.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 March 2020):
 Wanting a job isn’t selfish at all. The fact that you think it is shows how much control he has over you and how he’s indoctrinated you to think that way.
You say how lovely this guy is yet describe that he’s a controlling and emotionally abusing partner. He doesn’t sound all that great to me. He dictates your social life and cuts you off from your friends. Does that sound like a loving partner? I couldn’t ever imagine telling my GF ‘I don’t like X, I don’t want you to speak to her anymore’. Why does it matter if he doesn’t like your friends? They are YOUR friends. You like them and that’s enough to see them. Maybe if they were encouraging you into negative behaviours but that really doesn’t sound like the case here.
If you don’t have close friends that you confide in then it makes his job to control you a whole lot easier. I think you need to be more open with them so they know what he’s really like and what you’re going through. You aren’t asking for a lot here. You’re wanting to claim back some independence and he thinks he has the right to deny it?
Bluebird is spot on. Tell him in a calm manner what you want with your life and it’s not his decision. He may counter with something along the lines of what will you do with no money? No house etc so if push came to shove it may be worth trying to find some alternate living arrangements in advance for if things went south and you needed to move out.
You can only fall back in love if you work as a team and help each other out. If he’s not willing to do that then what other option do you have than to leave? You’re not a slave. You’re a human being with wants and needs like anyone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): Some men have a way of making a woman feel they've lost the plot because they have an assumed sense of superiority.This olde fashioned: You-are- my property- attitude is almost impossible to dismantle because it is an undeserved sense of superiority to the 'fairer' sex that has been developed from childhood.However I think your man has done a lot of good towards you, but he is far too territorial to allow you to spread your wings as you would like.That's the crux of the matter!But the truth is that he has no right to 'allow' you anything at all.If you want a job you can just take a job.But will you regret putting your 3 yr old in daycare while you work?This is an age old problem.You have everything you want but it's not enough.So I suppose you regret not being married because divorce is final and leaves you financially with half of all assets.Perhaps you could link up with a play group so that your 3yr old plays and you get to chat to other mums and still spend time picking up the others from school?Or maybe you could study at home?But most options require quite a bit of compromise and a certain amount of honesty towards your man who has no idea that you are unhappy in your gilded nest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2020): You need to take off those rose colored glasses and look what is really going on.It is all about control and the control he loves to have over you.No friends...no life except to do things with him or for him.Honey you are his slave.Get a job....Get out of there before your children think a controlling relationship is normal....I assure you if is not.Your kids will copy this behavior when they are grown.Now it is time to break this abusive cycle...and yes this is abuse.Before you break it off go to a woman's shelter and get advice on how to leave and be safe.Men like this flip out when you leave and can be very dangerous.It is because men like this cannot handle losing control...that is when they get dangerous.Be safe..be careful and really watch your back.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (4 March 2020):
 Men can use money to control women. Set boundaries, tell him you want to work and have social life or its over. No talk, only actions. May have to show him youre not always obedient. But no fighting or throwing tantrums, handle this as a woman. Kind, firm, but strong boundaries. Its been 8 years, you have put your foot down firmly.
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