A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I accidently sent my bf a text that was meant for my sister, discussing what my dad had said about my boyfriend and how i should take a university place at the other end of the country because it would get me away from my boyfriend. and I ended up having to tell my boyfriend the whole thing. Now I don't agree with my dad, because my boyfriend does an awful lot for me, including waking me up so I get out of bed to study, proofing my essays etc. He even cooks for me! but I can also see my dad's point. my boyfriend doesn't have a job, and doesn't really do much. He probably is going nowhere, while I'm determined to go somewhere. the issue is my bf is now trying to make me pick between my dad and him. He calls him 'fatso' and other awful things and makes terribly derogatory statements about him. When i go to defend my dad he says oh it looks like your on his side. I don't know what to do, because all of this is really making me think that my dad is correct and I should move away from him. I'm 23 btw and am going to do a pHD so I do kinda rely on my parents to support me.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (23 July 2011):
I agree with Cerberus on this one. When someone forces you to choose, that's when you should let them go. Your father loves you, looks out for you and is concerned about your future. He has been there your entire life whilst your boyfriend has only been a part of it for a short time. What right does your bf have to deny you your father?
A mature, sensible man would not do such a thing. A mature, sensible man would have a job or at least actively search for one.
He should be supporting you no matter what. Instead of blowing up in your face he should have simply told you he's disappointed that your father has so little regard for him. That text must have been hurtful. But his reaction was just plain immature.
Also, I don't see how this relationship can last when you have ambition and he doesn't.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): Pretty simple really OP, the person who tries to make you choose should always lose.
How the hell does he expect you to choose him over your dad, you can't make a decision like that, there is no hope in hell that you're going to ditch your own parent for a lazy good for cooking (nothing) guy who has suddenly turned into a prick that insults your father every chance he gets. He sounds like a child and an idiot OP. No wonder he has no job and is probably going nowhere as he thinks he can have everything his own way and throws his toys out of the pram at the first sign of trouble.
OP your dad is right about him and I think you know that. I think you need to do what you have to to get the best chance of a career possible. If your boyfriend loves you he'll understand if you have to move away but if he gets selfish and starts emotionally blackmailing you then you know exactly what he's doing.
OP you're boyfriend isn't nice for waking you up, cooking and proof reading stuff, that's the minimum of effort for a guy that does nothing else anyway. You're his gravy train, keep you sweet and you'll earn all the money while he gets to sit on his ass all day and do a few nice little things for you and that's it.
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A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (22 July 2011):
First and foremost you need to choose the right uni for your PhD. Presumably that is all based on your potential supervisor, research interests, etc, and funding I guess if you are applying for a scholarship. My supervisor was excellent and the reason I chose the institution I did.
I think the rest of the problems ought to be secondary to this. I think your bf is being a bit immature and maybe should have a think about why your dad said what he did, even though I can appreciate it was probably very hurtful to get that text. I don't consider what your of does for you in any way overshadows the fact that your dad is your dad; if you have to choose between them there is only one option as far as I can see.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2011): It is a hard situation, but nobody should ask you to chose between them and your Dad. Your Dad was wrong to say that, but he is trying to protect you which is what Dad's do, try talking to your boyfriend and explain to him that you love him, but you also love your Dad and that doesn't mean you believe that what he said was right, but that you won't chose between them, if he truly loves you he should accept that. Unfortunately in this situation you are the one being hurt by the 2 most important men in your life, and that is not fair on you. Also try talking to your Dad and explain to him that it is hurting you. As for university, I wouldn't change over this, but that's me. I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that both of these special men in your life can realise that they both love you and only want the best for you, but only you know what the best for you actually is.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 July 2011):
 If both universities are on the same prestigious level, there is no reason to move away, unless your father refuses to fund your education if you choose to stay in your area. You can tell your dad you decided to end contact with this guy because you don't think you can handle a romantic relationship during college anyways. To label your boyfriend as a nobody is limiting. Right now he is resisting change but he really needs a kick to jump start his life. It's not your fault that you started a relationship with this guy. Why move away? Stick to the school closer to you but have a temporary break from your boyfriend. Tell him you appreciate all the nice things he does for you but you need more than a nice boyfriend, you need someone who at least makes money at the same time make goals in life.
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