A
female
age
30-35,
*ativeli14
writes:So, I'm in a relationship and I'm holding onto to something because I'm resentful. . About a month and a half ago my boyfriend told me, "let me get fat and see if you want to hold me." I was speechless at the time and didn't know what to say so I said nothing. Thinking it over I thought wow if I'm so fat why are you with me? About a month before I put his arms around my waist area and he said I don't want your stomach. I feel like my body shape isn't pleasing for him and maybe I need a bigger man. . I'm about 140 lbs. 5 foot 1.. I had my first baby and he is now gonna be 11 months old. My boyfriend is his dad. I'm partially to the point that the fat comments ruined sex for us and other things. Boyfriends hold their girlfriends and stuff right? ?.. I'm trying to figure it out. . Help. Please. . Reply to this Question
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female
reader, nativeli14 +, writes (5 July 2014):
nativeli14 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Updated and further information on this relationship here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-havent-known-my-boyfriend-and-feel-like.html
I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. .
A
female
reader, nativeli14 +, writes (4 July 2014):
nativeli14 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDaisy,
Thank you. I posted a new question going in to more depth of this situation. I expect him to be responsible enough to get what his son needs, but no he doesn't really support the baby and he has gotten off real easy! And it does chop me down. He doesn't understand that.
As for birth control, I haven't had sex, I'll be getting the copper coil soon! I just had to wait because the other one fell out because I got it too soon after I gave birth to my son.
I'm not sure if I got everything in my new post, I wrote it quickly. If any questions I'm free to answer them..
****Thanks again.
**Thanks everyone.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 OP, your follow up is very enlightening and I'm sorry my reply might have trivialised your situation. I imagined your situation very differently, assuming it was a crass but one-off comment in a more committed, stable relationship (i.e. living together) than it is.
This guy is chopping you down, essentially lowering your self esteem, while you seem to be doing the brunt of the work in raising your baby. Since he makes so much more than you, does he support you financially and does he begrudge that?
If he's making you unhappy, and you believe your baby won't be negatively affected by you two splitting up, then yes I think you should consider your future together. Not to replace him with a bigger - or any other - guy (better being single for a while than jump from one to another).
Your weight & fertility: you say you've lost weight since coming off the pill. I hope you're using another form of birth control, because although it's great you've lost some weight, the last thing you need is another baby in an already unhappy, insecure relationship. The copper coil is good - no hormones/ weight gain, no fuss (apart from having it put in), lasts 5-10 years and is completely reversible the minute it's taken out.
You mention writing a new post: well I say let it out, either as a follow up to this post or as a new post with a link to this one. Nothing better than journaling, and all the better if you get helpful feedback.
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A
female
reader, nativeli14 +, writes (3 July 2014):
nativeli14 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou wish, I don't think he thinks about what part he has played in this. I noticed the weight melting off but then I started to take the pill form birth control which was making me gain weight back and rapidly. . We don't live together. And maybe that's better. He does hang over my head that he is older than me. We have different points of view as well. I feel like I have top become a twig for him to be happy. . But I do feel that shouldn't be the only reason we stay together is for the baby. If we are unhappy than I don't know what good that's going to do for my son. . I think that the fat incident is just a part of what I think l feel like we are having problems with and there's more. . -_- I agree he should have expressed it differently if any expression. . I do watch my son alone workout his help. He claims to be working so hard when I don't really see anything to show for his money. I work 4 hours out of the day 5 times a week 8.00 dollars an hour. He makes a grand a week. Talks down on my money saying, "I make what you make in two months in just a week." It's more than this, I will make another question of this -_- I guess this is what first came to mind. . Any who. . I haven't been weighed lately but I'm sure I've lost some more weight due to ending prescription with the birth control pills I was taking. Thought: I never forced or urged him to work out when his arm muscles started to fade when he didn't work out as much. I still touched him the same, showed affection the same, and was still happy with him despite the difference. I guess that's what I wanted. . Was some time to get back to how I was and still feel 'loved and cherished' . Entire new post coming soon? I wouldn't know how exactly to show you guys. .
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A
female
reader, nativeli14 +, writes (3 July 2014):
nativeli14 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! I'm reading your responses now!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 July 2014):
 I love it how guys impregnate their girlfriends, who gain weight during and after pregnancy because babies take 1000% of their efforts. The old saying "9 months on, 9 months off" isn't just a myth. Your baby's 11 months old. When he said "I don't want your stomach", the baby was 8 months old. Your boyfriend was PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE for that damn stomach, or he shouldn't have ditched the condom.
He didn't have a major hormonal shift followed by the body re-arranging itself. Did he jump in there and devote as much time in caring for this baby as you do? Heh.
I understand weight gain being a factor in lessening attraction, but seriously, right after giving birth in a baby's first year? What a lunkhead. He should have factored in the fact that you BORE HIS CHILD, put your body in the shredder to nurture and raise his child, and have committed yourself to show HIS offspring love, compassion, and a mountain of your time and energy in a lifetime of that raising. And for this reason, he decides to be snide to you? Sorry, but a squirt of semen that takes 10 seconds doesn't equal pregnancy and breastfeeding.
I would nail him to the wall and tell him that if he wants you to put time into working out and eating right, he needs to step up and give you the time to do so, meaning he does the midnight walks, the grocery shopping, cooking, and housecleaning so you can go to a gym or spend hours biking or team sports.
Now, I've gotta tell you something for you. Given that your boyfriend most likely isn't going to change his stupid ways in terms of emotional support, you need to learn some skills for comforting yourself and making yourself feel better without resorting to comfort eating. If you don't have time to hit the gym, get a stroller and walk. It's amazing and will make you feel better than a pint of ice cream ever could. If you have some friends with babies too, even better! If you're working, make some subtle changes (stairs, not elevator, replace easy microwave meals with lean sandwich wraps and salad. Don't do it for the moronic boyfriend. Do it for you. You may find that he's the one who's left in the dust as his hair recedes, his muscle starts waning, and he starts inching the belt out. Oh yes - guys deal with the body changes too.
The point is - enrich your life. Make it satisfying to you. If you need motivation to get moving, or you find that some of the eating or inactivity is because of possible post-partum depression, a trip to the doctor can help you!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 July 2014):
 As Jennifer Aniston once said about Brad Pitt.."he doesn't have a sensitivity chip"...Your boyfriend was not too classy about trying to tell you that he isn't thrilled with the way you look. He could have been kinder, gentler but well..some people just blurt out what they are thinking. Stupid, rude whatever you want to call it...but he said it.
What are you going to do now? Let him know that his comment hurt you? Work on getting in better shape? Or dumping him?
I personally would be hurt too if a an said something like that to me. Actually my ex (notice I say ex) husband did talk to me the way your boyfriend did. He lasted 2 years. I can't tolerate rudeness and stupidity in a partner. There is always a nicer way to talk someone, your boyfriend just doesn't seem to know what that is.
Only you know if you can tolerate his behavior now and in the future. I hope he doesnt talk that way to you all the time (My ex did). Can you work it out? Or is it time to rethink everything?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): To be honest, I can't fault him for expressing himself but I can fault him for expressing it the way he did. My gf is pretty much gaining weight herself and although I'm too nice to say, I really wish she would work out. I find myself being less and less attracted to her over time. I'm 6'1 and 210 pounds but that's mostly muscle as I work out 5 days a week. I'm not saying she needs to work out as much but I really wish she would lose the fat as I'm finding myself looking at other women.Your boyfriend has a right to not be attracted to you. He doesn't find your weight appealing and you should at least try to lose it. I'm sure if I stopped working out and my muscles turned into fat, my gf wouldn't find having sex with me enjoyable. Sure love is suppose to be true but you can't expect love to keep everything together. We also need to put some work into it. If you can't handle it then you should leave him but I seriously don't think there's anything wrong with him not being attracted to your current physique.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 I agree with Daisy Daisy.
I think that you can love a person, without for that being blind to changes in her body and without having to LIKE those changes or approve them.
His feelings for you will be the same, his appreciation for your good qualities the same- his physical attraction to you, not quite the same.
Now I am sure that there will be posters who'll say " If he loved you he woud not even notice " " If he loved you, he still would think you are the most beautiful woman in the world even if you were 400 pounds ".
I feel this is very romantic but a bit unrealistic. Maybe that's how it SHOULD be, but rarely how it is.
Call it shallow and superficial, tht won't change that sexual attraction does not just pertain to the mind or the heart, it is also strongly rooted in what we can perceive with our senses, in what we can see and touch.
The body wants what it wants and the senses like what they like, and as disappointing or petty that can be, it still happens. If your bf has a thing for flat stomachs and you dvelopped a potbelly, no he won't leave you for that... but he will find you a bit less attractive and theer's not much that HE can do about it.
I agree though that your biyfriend has the finesse of a bull in a china store though :).He could have said " honey, why don't we go exercise together, it will be fun " or remarked on the benefits of being in good shape in terms of HEALTH , and of stamina, and energy to play with your toddler and run after him... Yet if this is his first and only faux pas, and generally you are happy together,- I think it's easier and better to get rid of your extra weight, rather than to get rid of the father of your chid.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (3 July 2014):
Why is he with you? Maybe because he loves you and wants to keep the family together. Doesn't mean he has to love the weight you gained. It would be easier for you, and much better for the child you share, to lose the extra weight than find a 'bigger man', don't you think? Yes his comment was insulting, but it's an honest expression that he doesn't find the extra weight attractive. If he's always making remarks that undermine you then that's not OK, but was this a one-off remark? I think you should talk to him, tell him that what he said hurt you and then try to work out how to get to a healthier size for your own health as well as the health of the relationship.
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