A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why is he so angry? Is this an abusive relationship?So my bf lost his job and he's having a had time finding another one.I've been supporting him with money for food. Phone bills etcNow be wants to relocate for a job and he's told me to help him come up with some money.I'm so stressed out too cause I don't work my family supports me(I'm looking for a job)But now he's easily irritated gets angry at the smallest thing. Can't take a joke I have to walk on eggshells with me. He doesn't give me attention anymore and he said he cant give me attention cause he's not the same guy anymore.I stay. and I'm there for him but his behavior is upsetting me and he seems like he doesn't care about my feelings anymoreWhat should I do.? I tell him how I feel and he acts like I'm nagging him:(He started screaming at me infront of his friends when I told him one of his friends is coming on to me:(
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 If you don't have a job how are you supposed to help him with money? You mean your FAMILY has to cough up so he can relocate, right?
And when he relocates he will dump you and start his "new" life.
I get that not having a job is stressful, but he is being downright abusive towards you.
TELL him, I don't HAVE any money to GIVE you. I live of my family. If he can't understand that, CUT the contact.
Don't give him money your family GAVE you, to help YOU.
And if you have a phone conversation and he is talking smack you SIMPLY hang up.
I think you have to accept that THIS is part of who he is. He doesn't CARE about you, right now all he cares about is HIM.
Let him go.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 July 2014):
 He's revealed himself to be quite a bully. Is THAT the kind of man who you want in your life? I suspect "No."
So.... dump him. Let him go on in his wretched life, by himself...
Good luck...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): It can happen, OP, losing a job and not working with bills to pay is extremely stressful and some people don't handle that at all well. If he's normally a lovely guy and has never been like this then it's not really abuse just him going through some shit and unfairly taking it out on you.
You need to distance yourself from him a bit, he's not nice to be around lately so be around him less or find a way of being his distraction.
When me and my wife were first dating we were both broke students with hardly any money to do anything fun with the added stress of exams and assignments on top of that. We learned the value of giving each other space and also not dumping our stress on each other.
OP you have to balance "being there for him" and giving him space better. If I insisted on being there all the time for my wife when she was stressed up to the eyeballs we'd never have lasted. There are times when people need to be left to their own devices and there are times when people are so hard to be around that it's not good for the relationship for you to stick around and be their emotional punch bag.
He does not get to take this out on you, OP, and you can't allow "being there" be an excuse as to why you stick around and let him treat you that way either.
I have a great marriage, we work incredibly well and that mostly stems from the fact that we know when to back off and give space. If I'm stressed, being angry or unreasonable, which happens all of us, and it's neither my wife's fault nor anything she can do then she'll leave me to it. Head out with her friends, spend less time in my face. She won't nag or start shoving her feelings in my face she'll let me get on with things because she knows that I know if there's anything practical she can do to help me I will ask.
You also need to pick your battles better, OP. Seriously why the hell did you tell him something as messed up as a friend coming onto you when you know where his head is at at the moment? You basically decided to add more drama to his already fucked up state of mind. Don't do that anymore, he's not in the right place mentally for that shit.
OP you have your own shit to deal with right now too, so focus more on that. Spend a little less time with him, I mean what's the point he's not nice to be around at all at the moment. Don't add more drama like the friend coming onto you shit, deal with that shit yourself. He shouldn't have shouted at you but I can see why he did, you picked the wrong time to add more drama to his life.
OP you have to leave him alone a bit, stop trying to tell him your "feelings", that is nagging. He knows your feelings, he knows you don't like that he's not working, he knows you're finding this tough too he doesn't need you shoving that in his face, but you also can't allow him to do it to you either. Your relationship cannot be defined by his lack of a job, he needs to sort his shit out and be better to you.
In terms of helping him find money to relocate, you have no money so there's nothing to find. There is no chance you'll get a loan or anything like that so he has to help himself.
OP one of the most important traits in any relationship is adaptation. You need to able to adapt your expectations and how you conduct yourself based on the circumstances.
In these circumstances less is more. Less time together, less time talking about his lack of a job, less drama and a lot more distractions.
Focus on you, focus on getting a job and sorting yourself out. He's a big boy so he has to start taking care of himself. As far as the money for food and stuff goes, if that's balanced and he's done that for you then I don't see an issue with continuing to help him. Me and my wife have always been free when it comes to cash, if one of us has it we share it and look out for each other. If you have that with this guy then that's cool, just be careful he's not using you and don't assume he's that kind of guy if he's never done it for you before.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): You're lucky you have family to support you, that is the only reason you have the spare cash to pay for your boyfriend's expenses. They do it to help you, not subsidize himYou have no reason to give him money, he is not your responsibility. He has to learn to cope. He could ask his family for help to re-locate and if it means he goes to a job I am sure they will if they can.It wasn't the best timing telling him a friend was coming on to you either, he's stressed enough as it is.Look after yourself and tell him no more money.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2014):
 First thing, why does he presume you should help him come up with money for HIS relocation.
Are you married ? Engaged ? Got kids togetehr ? Are you his mother ?... No ?
Then he is crossing boundaries big time. He is a grown ass man, he should either be able to take care of himself, or accept he can't get all he wants and do all he wants until he's found a job and got himself sorted out .
The girl he dates ( you ) has got nothing to do with his financial position.
Particularly considering that you are unemployed too, and supported by your parents ! Are they happy to know that the money they give you ( maybe with effort and sacrifice from them ) goes to pay food and bills for a third party ? do they even know, and would they keep giving you the same amount, since you obviously do not need it all for yourself, so you could even do without part of it ?...
What should you do ? Stop being his meal ticket, and stop paying his bills. He can ask his friends if he wants... since apparently he is nicer to them than to you. It's fair that his friends see both his nice side and the not-so-nice one.
While you only get too see the not so nice one, plus you are paying money for that.
Close your purse, and think of yourself first - at least, THAT will give him something real to be angry about !
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