| A
female
,
*mandabrv
writes: Hello, I am 27 years old. I have been through a lot the past year. I left my husband after 10 years. I lost my father, who was my rock. I lost almost everything me and my four kids owned. I have been in a new relationship for about 10 or 11 months. I am in love with this man, but the other day he said something that completely broke my heart and has made me question our whole relationship. I have gained weight since we have been together--I'm not fat but a little chunky; I weigh about 128 and I am 5'1!We was in the middle of having sex and he rolled over and said I was to big he couldnt get comfortable. My heart fell into my belly. I couldnt belive this man just said this. I didnt know whether to cry or leave or what. He tried to say he didnt mean it the way it sounded but he did. Now I don't want him to touch me. What should I do? I havent eaten in two days and I have no family or friends to talk to. I am so lost and depressed!!! Thank you all for your help.
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2007): I have a boyfriend whom i've been dating for 4 years and I've been the same size for years. Last night he told me the reason why he doesn't want to have sex with me is because I'm getting too fat. He isn't attracted to me. I cried and felt horrible because were in bed and I wanted to make love. Thetimeing was so aweful. I feel like I'm disgusting and that their is no reason for me to recieve love because of the way I look. Now I feel judged and depressed and that i don't derserve to eat and things I put in my mouth are forbidden! I know your heartache!
A
female
reader, Sbrwneyes  +, writes (28 June 2007):
 I agree with the person below me. 128lbs is not fat. He obviously doesn't know what he's talking about. Don't get depressed about it, defenitly don't stop eating..just try to talk to him about it.
...............................
A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (26 June 2007):
 128 lbs is not fat. Especially after giving birth to four kids!! You should not feel bad about yourself whatsoever. Most women are not skinny little supermodels and to expect that we should be is unrealistic and unfair. You are not even considered to be overweight! If you look at a height/weight chart you will find you are right in the normal ranges, not overweight at ALL! He needs to love you for yourself and not expect you to be an emaciated twig!
...............................
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Hello Amanda,
Well, not that it will make a difference what I think, but you don't sound like you need to lose any weight in my opinion.
Anyway, you say that you've gained weight. I think that's more of an important issue than the dumb comment that your guy made. I think you need to focus on that - why have you gained weight? Is it because you eat when you feel depressed? If it is, then you may want to consider seeing a professional for counseling (for the depression, obviously, not the weight. Symptoms - like overeating - disappear when the cause is treated and gone.)
Is it because you've become more relaxed in the relationship and just feel like you're comfortable enough to eat more? Maybe try and change your eating habits and schdule. Instead of eating sweet and/or salty snacks that can retain water and fill you with calories and fat, why not eat fresh veggies and low fat yogurt?
If you are really concerned about your weight, you might want to consult your physican. Perhaps your doctor could help you establish an ideal diet or refer you to a dietician.
You know, sometimes people can say really stupid things at the worst times. While it wasn't "right" or "sensitive" what your guy said, what happened has happened. You need to talk with him and let him know how much his comment hurt you. Maybe next time he would think twice before saying something like that. And, you know, maybe he is not bothered by your weight at all and that's why he was able to say that and not think it would have any effect on you. Well, whatever the reason, it does sound like he realized at least a bit how hurtful his statement was to you - it does sound like he tried to apologize in some way from what you've written.
But listen, the last thing you want to do is starve yourself. It's extremely unhealthy for your body to go without food - for obvious reasons that I'm sure you know - but also because your body will then start to hold onto all of the calories and fat since it is tricked into thinking it won't get any nutrition. So starving yourself can actually backfire and make a person gain weight.
Look - your boyfriend said something stupid. Talk with him and let him know how it made you feel. If you're really upset about something else and food is your relief, please talk with a counsellor. If you really just have changed your diet and it's nothing more, speak with your doctor and/or a dietician.
Take care.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): You are 5'1" and he thinks you are too big? This guy is a moron in more ways than one....I personally would not want to continue a relationship with a guy that was that insensitive and said something like that in bed....I would be done, thank you very much....You are a little curvy, but so are a lot of women....in the US, the average woman is a size 14 or 16, which is pretty big, and if men did not want to date us, then we would all be alone I suppose....go find another guy who loves all of you, and if you want to lose weight for health reasons, then that is a great idea....you have had an awful year, and food may have been a comfort to you, time to stop that habit and care more about your body and your health but for you and you alone....what a jerk!
...............................
A
female
reader, YummyMummy  +, writes (25 June 2007):
 Hunni you need to eat. Even if it's only fruit or something. And this guy isn't worth you making yourself ill over. Pardon my language but what a shitty time to say something like that. I can't advise you to leave your partner over this as that is down to you but by the sound of it he has deeply hurt you by what he has said and the fact you don't want him to touch you won't help the relationship.
Were you comfortable with your weight before he said what he did? Were you happy within yourself? If so than your boyfriend has been completely out of order. If you weren't so happy with your weight gain than what about joining a couple of classes down at the gym? You may make some new friends.
As for the boyfriend tell him how crappy he has made you feel by what he has said. Explain that being told something like that during sex has hurt you. Has no one ever told him us females are sensitive about our weight.
xxxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (25 June 2007):
 What a s#@t even if that is the case there are better times and ways of saying it than in the bedroom.
You say you have been through a tough year and from what you have said it certainly does sound that way.
Have you had any time to yourself since you left your husband as at the age your are it's along time to be in a relationship with someone especially going into another one straight away.
Have you had any counselling to help you deal with everything that you have been through, if you have not it would be very worth while popping to see your gp and talking things through with them as i'm sure they would offer you the help and support you need at he moment.
I know from experience that when you have been with someone for that amount of time from a child really it's very hard to imagine being on your own but maybe that is what you need right now because you most certainly could do without someone that has that little respect for you.
Take care of yourself and we are here if you need to talk.xx.
...............................
|
