A
female
age
30-35,
*orgy
writes:I hope that you can help me. I can't trust my family or friend’s opinion because they're obviously going to take my side. Alright so my boyfriend of a year is asking me to move back with him. I love him very much but he has done so many awful things to me. Through our relationship he was abusive but he attended violence courses last month and still threatens to hit me, but doesn't anymore. He has broken up with me 3 times now just to sleep with other girls and taken me back within days. We recently broke up for a couple weeks and he took me out for supper two days ago and stared at a 45 year old woman the WHOLE time and when I wasn't looking he gave her that creepy look (you know what I mean) right before we left. He felt guilty when I caught him, but only because I caught him. He doesn't have a job so he's constantly stressed about money but if I try to tell him to get one for his OWN happiness he yells at me. Also his brother just died last year. It’s almost the anniversary of his death, so maybe it’s just the stress. I don't know.He has broken me down. I know I'm not ugly, I'm not overweight, I'm not stupid or useless. But he's made me feel that way. If everyone else seems to think I'm beautiful and fun, why can't he just be happy with me? Why does he have to keep looking for something better when I love him to death and no one has ever treated him better? I'm the only one who's never left him, and I would feel ashamed and mean to be just another person who leaves him behind. He says he's going to change and that he will never look at a girl again, but he's said it many times before. Can I believe him this time? Can a person really change or do you think he's just telling me that to get me back? I know he loves me a lot and I love him but I don't know if I can trust him again! Please tell me your opinion if nothing else, I don't know who else to ask. Is there any way I can handle this without him getting mad or wanting to hit me and NOT have to break up with him? I can't take the hurt anymore, but I can't leave him. And I'm not perfect either. I have a hard time letting things go and I'm clingy. So maybe it's my fault.
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 You don't want opinions... you want reassurance that he'll change otherwise you would have gone to your friends (who no doubt hate him and with good reason). Sweetheart, trust me, he won't. This man is going to destroy you and you don't even seem to care.
Get help. The lower he pushes your self-esteem down, the harder it'll be for you to leave and the more you'll feel you need him as you won't consider yourself worthy of anybody else.
Please, please, please... for the love of God get help to leave this pathetic excuse of a man.
I know you won't listen, but its worth a shot.
A
male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (10 March 2011):
Lets describe the two parts of this relationship. You:Say you love him and act accordingly by your care, forgiveness, support, empathy that you describe in your post.Have great qualities as listed above, and are beautiful and fun.Treat him better than anyone else ever did.Never left him, stand by him.Believe in him.Acknowledge you aren't perfect, no one is.Are clingy, and wonder if its your fault.He:Says he loves you but treats you with the opposite of love.Is abusive and threatening.Cheats on you whenever he wants to.Breaks up with you whenever he wants to cheat with you.Breaks you down and makes you feel bad about yourself. Doesn't have a job.Is probably not dealing with the death of his brother.There is a stereotype of lovely girls who go out with the worst kinds of guys, and if you look at it on paper, this sounds very much the same. The question you aren't asking is, "why do I settle for such a bad relationship and bad boyfriend?"You ask if he is going to change. Why should he? Why should he stop abusing you, breaking your trust and cheating you? You will just take him back, right, so what incentive does he have to change? None. The truth is, no one with any self respect would tolerate such a relationship. No one with any self respect would say "I can't leave him". If I was dating a girl and she did any of the things you have described once, I would dump her sorry ass and never look back, because I know I am worth more than that, and won't tolerate that kind of relaionship. You aren't even thinking about yourself in this at all, you are only thinking about how to make him better, or help him change, etc. You need to take care of what is right for you, and let him take care of what is right for him. If he doesn't fit with what is right for you, dump him and have a relationship that is right. To do this, you will need to find out why you are prepared to tolerate what you are putting up with, and don't respect yourself enough. Until you can answer these questions, you will go from one abusive relationship to the next like so many other abused women, which no one really wants to experience. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, cupidus +, writes (10 March 2011):
 You are in a cage with a mad monkey and you have the key in your pocket. However, you have one hundred and one pockets and your blind. You need professional help, I highly suggest you get it. They will help you find that key and help you set your boundaries so events like this will not have to be negotiated but just ended. If this were a new car, you'd be at the dealers looking for a refund.
Don't attempt to fix this on your own or you risk getting into the same situations.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Actually, you *can* leave him. And you should. Just because he says he loves you doesn't mean you should put up with his abuse. There are people out there who will love you without abusing you. Abuse is not part and parcel of a relationship.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 You will leave him, because he is a cruel and lustful boy and because you know you deserve better. You will not be just another person who left him, you will be someone he pushed away because he refused to see reason and instead chose to see a chance to lie and reign cruelty upon someone who strove to show the utmost love and dedication.
A violent threat is not something you should hear from your boyfriend, or anyone you love if anyone at all. Do you hear your own words as they ring about your thoughts? You know you are good enough and yet by the end of this post you doubt yourself. This is when abusive relationships start killing you and tearing you apart. You deserve better than this. It does not matter whether or not it is the stress that forces his tongue and his eyes, if it is, he has to deal with it in his own way, if not, then that is just another reason to leave him. The answer is perfectly clear now so, do not tell yourself that you cannot leave him because you can and you should, just go and do not look back.
I hope that helps.
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