A
female
age
41-50,
*ickyjsx29
writes:About 3 months ago I was raped by a man I met in town on a night out who I thought was nice-looking but wasn't a nice person, then I met my boyfriend in mid-July, and he is far nicer than my exes or the guy I met.It's only recently I told him what happened, and he was disgusted, but he said to me that I shouldn't tell the police, I'll become a target for revenge attacks, and that the police are useless here anyway - all they want to do is deal with car crime, drink-driving, speeding drivers or arson, and nothing else. He feels incredibly sorry for me and wants to help me and I am glad of it.He said he would go to the police about it, but having heard what the local police are like, he decided against it.what should we do?I'm so glad I met my boyfriend - I can be myself around him, he's there for me with any worries or crisises I may have and he helps around the house, and is gentle, loving and kind.
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female
reader, Becca1986  +, writes (7 November 2009):
I did and it was a big mistake. I was billed about four thousand dollars. He was never charged. Then saw him after that in public and it wasnt worth it. I recommend anyone if they got raped if they dont have any brusing on their body to not even bother. because he or she will get let off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): It's been three months, to be honest you now don't have much of a case at all.
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female
reader, alexdinasour2009 +, writes (2 October 2009):
 i have been raped also and im holding my baby in my arms right now i was raped a year ago and now im eleven. its ur choice. u could not even report it just go see a counsler or something. and im really sorry if this didn't help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): sounds to me like ur boyfriend is embarrased.. i mean.. putting u off going to the police?? comparing it to car crime!? being married to a former police constable i have seen him go to court on many an occasion for rapists.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): Honey, its you who was raped not your bf:) so its you who need to decide if you want to report it or not. As so much time has passed, the person can simply deny it, but even then he must be questioned and put on the record (thats what I think).
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female
reader, rb23nc +, writes (9 September 2009):
I too was raped a few years back. Unfortunately, I took a shower after the attack because i felt so dirty, so i washed away the evidence. I talked to a family member a day later who is a police officer, and they told me that without evidence it is my word against his - i was better off taking matters into my own hands, even though she did not condone that. If you have some sort of evidence or witness or something, then i would report it. If not, why put yourself through the chaos that will result? You already have much to deal with . . . why make it worse for yourself if it's not going to get him punished?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2009): you on your behalf are right but for your safety it seems to me your bf is right.he is practically right as he or your mum or someone or the other wont be there at times to protect as you may be on the road alone and he might again try to.............so give it a thought.people would say report him,but i say dont do so and put yourself into any sort of extra danger which you already have faced
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 September 2009):
 So your boyfriend is comparing rape to a burglary of a garden shed?! I would put very good money on the fact that the police would take a rape claim much more seriously then someone's garden shed being burgled!
What you need to understand is that local residents like to moan - about anything! They are often elderly or middle aged with nothing better to do than have a good moan about the number of speed cameras on the roads or how there are not enough policemen on the streets. Yes there is a tiny element of truth - the labour government have become obsessed with catching people speeding because it is such a good money generator and they are so deeply in debt they need all the money they can get.
But putting politics and local moaning aside, the police do actually do a wonderful job and take every allegation of a crime very seriously. I was attacked in a nightclub a couple of years ago and even with no witnesses and it just being my word against the other person, it was taken incredibly seriously and a detective was assigned to my case, despite my injuries only being superficial. The outcome wasnt very good but that was not the police's fault - that was down the fault of the legal system, the police tired everything they could to get this girl that attacked me convicted but her lawyer found a loophole in the law.
You must have seen or heard recently about the government wanting to crack down on rape and convict more cases - it was a huge story a few months ago. Basically they have updated/changed the laws so that more rape cases are convicted and there are now special police officers that are trained in dealing with rape cases. I can honestly say rape cases are taken more seriously than 99% of other crimes, with only murder coming above it. At the moment, all rape cases are made top priority and if it makes it to court, then the rapist in question is almost guaranteed to get a sentence that involves jail time.
However because you have waited so long and dont have any evidence then no, your case in particular may not be taken so seriously. If you had gone to them right away, then what they would have done is sent you straight to hospital where you would have had an examination to look for sexual trauma, and they would have also taken a sample of fluids (from you know where) to identify the DNA from the man who raped you. You would then have to give a statement to the police about what happened and about your memories of this man (what he looked like etc). The key to rape cases is time - your physical evidence is obviously better straight after the event, but the statement is also better straight after as evidence because you will have been able to remember more about the incident.
If you tried to press charges now, then in all honesty you wouldnt get very far. You have no physical evidence and the defendant's lawyer would easily argue that you are making it up because a) you waited too long to come forwards and b) you were drinking and c) there is no evidence.
I cant really say much else I'm afraid - you must have had your reasons for not going to the police right away but at the end of the day you were the victim in this, he made you feel dirty so it was your chance to do something about it and stop it from happening to anyone else he meets.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 September 2009):
 Honey, there is a BIG difference between a burglary of a garden shed and a rape.
You BF might be looking out for you thinking it is less traumatic if you don't report it. But I think that part of healing for many rape victims is telling someone (who can actually help you).
With out taking into account what you BF think is best - what do you think you should do?
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (9 September 2009):
 Hmmm, I don't think anyone should get away with rape. BUT, there are a lot of pro's and con's for reporting it. The most important thing is to be able to "prove" that it was rape, or else you could be opening yourself up to a whole lot more pain. You need to take into account the circumstances, (ie; could a court construe in any way that you may have given the attacker the wrong impression?), and the character references of the attacker, as well as their history. Sometimes the most vile people can come up with the best people to defend their character, and they may also come up with people who will defile your character and humiliate you. Are you tough enough to go through that?
If you'd reported it when it happened then it would be a lot easier, there would have been medical reports proving your emotional and physical trauma, but reporting it some time after the attack is a whole different matter altogether.
Sometimes it's best to let terrible things pass in their own way, because karma has a way of catching up with bad people and paying them back on your behalf. If they hurt you, they will hurt others, and perhaps at some stage in the future your opportunity to speak up might come along.
Like I said, if you think you're strong enough, report it, because you may save someone else, but if you think you can get over it with the support of your partner, maybe you don't need to put yourself through the horror of a rape trial.
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you and I hope that you can get over it. XXX
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female
reader, vickyjsx29 +, writes (9 September 2009):
vickyjsx29 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy boyfriend told me when his mum tried to report that her garden shed was burgled, the police did not even come round and just ignored it, and that was 2 years ago!!He said the police said they could not deal with any crime unless it was what I'd mentioned in my earlier post, and he was shocked himself. His opinions are shared by many locally - many residents complain the police are TOO focused on prevention of car crime, drink-driving, speeding and arson.He said to me if I went to them about rape, they'd do little about it anyway, as it wouldn't be high on their priority list. He said it's not an ideal situation, he was only being realistic.It's not so much that his opinions are bizarre or unfounded (he has told me there is evidence the police are only interested in stats for car crime and arson, and making themselves look good in the press).I didn't go to the police at the time as I was too traumatised and felt ashamed/dirty about it.However, I did know the man who did it, if only vaguely, before the night out, for the record.Hope this has helped you, and sorry if it's rambling.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 September 2009):
Well if it was 3 months ago why did you not go to the police right away? The right thing to do after you have been raped is go immediately to the police (the sooner the better) so they can take his DNA and get a criminal conviction. The Police in the UK take rape incredibly seriously, far more seriously than murder in a lot of cases. Rapists will often get longer convictions than people who have been drink driving and killed someone.
Seen as you have left it so long the choice is yours now whether you go to the police or not. There will be no physical evidence on your body of sexual trauma nor will there be any DNA evidence left so the chances of them being able to convict this man are slim. Can you even remember what he looked like? Do you have any idea where he lives? Do you remember enough about the night to be able to give a statement to the police?
What your boyfriend has been telling you is complete rubbish and if he thinks that the police take one particular crime as priority over the other then he is an idiot. The police in the UK are excellent and will always do their best to fight crime and get a conviction where possible, he is just listening too much to gossip and hyped up news stories about the police in the UK.
As for being a target for revenge attacks - that is also completely stupid! If you met this man on a night out then the chances are you only saw him once (the time he raped you) or only a couple of times after that. So he wont know anything about you therefore he or his friends wouldnt be able to come after you. revenge attacks often only happen in gangs, or when a witness has come forwards about a crime with some serious information that can affect the outcome of a case. In this situation if you were raped then you are the victim, there is no "revenge" to be had. If anything you would be the one wanting revenge on him for what he did to you.
Your boyfriend is filling your head with rubbish, try not to listen to his bizzare unfounded opinions on the legal system and the justice system, they are all completely wrong.
Unless you personally think you have enough to convict this man of his crime and you go to the police (your boyfriend cannot go for you - he wasnt raped, it was you. The police have to speak to you, they are not interested in what your boyfriend has to say) then you dont have any other choices. Perhaps you could seek some counselling to help you get over the trauma and deal with the feelings you have after the event. You should also get an STD test at your doctors - I dont know if you can remember whether this man who raped you used a condom but the chances are he didnt so you need to be safe.
Go to your doctors for the STD check and they will also be able to refer you to a therapist service who will specially deal with victims of rape like yourself. Maybe if you google a support network for rape victims in your area that might help too.
Unfortunately your boyfriend cant do anything to help on this one, except be supportive and be a shoulder to cry on when you need him.
I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 September 2009):
First off I'm sorry you have to go though something like that. I think you need to listen to your own gut. Why did you not go to the police right away? What held you back?
Secondly I think you should call the polive or a rape hot line and give them a call they can give a much better answer. And maybe also some guidance to find a counselor, this is not something you can "just" forget. It will be with you always.
Personally I think you should report the rape, if that guy goes unpunished how many other girls will he rape? However, it might be hard after 3 months to prosecute with no evidence, but again, I suggest you talk to people who know. Police or a rape hot line.
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