A
female
age
41-50,
*itzy
writes:Well I know this kind of situation has been bought up on here before, but would feel really appreciative if i could have some answer's personal to me.See the thing is I escaped an abusive relationship with my ex husband, for example controlled my every move and was never allowd out. Since then I fled with my children and met a very nice man who, I would say rescued me like a true prince charming :)We moved into our flat over a year ago, We are so totally in love and everything seem perfect, he treated me like a princess.Now the problem... I found out he is watching alot of porn! and being really sneaky about it. The first few months of being together in our flat, he used to snuggle up to me every morning and watch me sleep, I used to wake up to see him looking lovingly into my eyes. Then he would get ready for work and tell me how hard it was to leave me looking so beautiful in bed.A couple months after he starting getting out of bed extra early befor i was even awake, I just thought that maybe he was trying to be more focused on getting ready on time for work. I got up one morning to find him already out of bed again so i crept out to the hallway. o my horror, i could see the relectiom of his pc screen in the glass cabinet, he was watching porn!!! I felt immediatly heartbroken and crept back to bed.Since then He has been getting up early every morning, sometinmes in the middle of the night to watch it. And its not just any old random porn, because in his history its the same porn star names all the time, and most of them are extremley pretty and blonde! (I had black hair at the time).I confronted him about it a couple of times, once when the kids were awke and wondering around! He just lied and said it was pop ups! And another time appologised and said sorry for being insensitve. I have not had the courage to have a proper talk about it too him yet as I have terrib le issues with my body. I have had a boob job as i was deflated after kids, but feel i did not go big enough compared to the porn stars! They have made me feel so bad about myself that i am in the process of getting Pshycological help with depression and BDD (body dismorphic disorder)I really cant see anything good about myself anymore and am even getting my hair highlighted every few months to go blonder! I feel porn has just trappled all over me and there is no hope because i will never look like one of those girls :(.
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female
reader, Sam09  +, writes (31 August 2009):
It's really sad that so many women fall for men that are obsessed with porn. We never lived together but lived at each others house and I just broke up with my bf of 3.5yrs because I was lonely and emotionally neglected in the relationship.He was so much fun, he is very generous with his time and with money and very very clever. He can do anything from building, mechanics, repairs, jokes, cooking, immaculate cleanliness, very knowledgeable, a good talker. He is very talented.We did a lot of fun things like camping, fishing, drive-in movies, country drives, floor wrestling etc. We started out kissing, lots of great sex, then he got the internet on 6 mths after dating, you guessed it, kissing faded and regular sex faded. I told him he has sex like a porn movie, it's like he got his sex education from watching porn movies. The Blank Look lolMy son fixed his pc and found 32 gigs porn on it, that is a lot of porn. It made me fill so sick inside. I still stayed with him, but it answered why the short quickie in the morning, then when I got home from work, nothing. It's all lies, lies and more lies.These men seam to have it all, they have companion to meet the social aspects in life and they have the porn to meet their sexual needs. A robot would be good for them because every time he looks at girls then yells at me, I just imagine being with another guy who is not so nasty and selfish.I walk around my house and I see all the amazing things he has done for me, and I walk around my house and I see the results of his temper. I didn't care that he watched porn, I just didn't want to be neglected emotionally. He has a bad temper and he breaks and smashes things and humiliates me in public. His car has his fist marks all over it.It's very hard to stay with someone like that. I can't do it anymore and I had to do what was best for me and that was to let him go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): I think it's horrible what he is doing!
I don't understand porn and I never will. I have a similar problem as well. I was sexual abused as a child and pornography was used in the abuse. I still have a strong aversion to it and it brings up painful memories every time I see it. I developed an eating disorder because I thought that for a man to want me, I had to look like those women. My current boyfriend knows all of this and still looks at porn all the time. I've confronted him and cried about it. He says he's stopped looking at it, but I don't believe him because now we've just completely stopped having sex. If he really loves me, then I don't get why he would continue to support an industry that has so deeply damaged my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): I know EXACTLY how you feel.Unfortunately there seems to be no solution, because the problem is his and until he admits he has a problem, nothing can change.The use of porn once in awhile is not an issue . I realize men look at other women , it's only natural.But partners losing interest in sex with us , and REPLACING US with pixilated images is a whole other category indeed.It is a devastating emotional situation to be in. I am open-minded and have a healthy appetite for sex;my husband and I had an intense physical relationship for a long time. Looking at porn together was exciting. If he viewed it by himself once a while, no big deal.I never even minded if my guy went to a strip club for a bachelor party or a night out with his friends. I was secure in knowing he came home to me and we were very close and very physically connected.I'd even accompanied him on several occassions.We kept the spice in our lives even though we had kids.
I was confidant ,knowing he had strong desire for me, making me feel wanted, and very much loved.I did not feel at all threatened by images of women. All that changed about 2 years ago.He no longer has ANY sexual interest in me. NEVER iniates sex, and when I do he makes no move. He avoids me .He will give me a quick kiss,no deep kisses anymore. I just get a hug, but nothing more.I am 106 lbs. 5' 6", so letting myself go is not the problem. I'm a vegetarian, and a former ballet dancer, so exercise is a big part of my life.He jumps on the computer everytime he is alone in the house, or if I sleep late on a saturday morning.He even visited his favorite porn sites when I was very ill in bed with a serious health issue. I had a lumpectomy and am self-conscious about about my chest.He has never tried to make me FEEL that I am still attractive, although he says he still cares about me as much as before.If he paid attention to my chest I would feel like I measure up, but he will not touch my breasts anymore. I was upstairs too sick to sit up straight and he was jerking off to skanks.Just great.He never touches me in a personal way anymore. I used to be the most uninhibited female. I'd would try anything, I absoultely love sex.I get undressed in the bathroom now because he has made me feel ugly and unwanted. To realize he prefers photographs over me, someone he says he loves, is humilating. When he first stopped sleeping with me, he said it was because he was stressed out from work. The pressure. I believed him until he forgot to log out of an X-rated site. Afterwards things began making sense, and I started checking the history. Not just a few sites had been visited , he looks at a list so long each time, it is mind-boggling. I didn't like sneaking around, checking on him like he was a kid, and I could no longer keep my mouth shut. I told him he forgot to logout ,told him I saw the site, neglected to tell him I regularly check the history .I asked him why he has the time and energy to spend looking at naked women online,if he is "too stressed " for sex, why isn't he "too stressed " to have cyber sex ? Seems to me if you are too stressed for sex, you would not want sex at all, in any form. But apparently, he is still very much still interested in sex, just not sex with me.He just stares at me with a blank look. I asked him how does he think it makes me feel, that he completely ignores my breasts , but he makes the time overdoses on picture after picture of boobs ?? He says nothing, or says he no longer does it. He is of course lying.Just last night I calmly asked to PLEASE stop, it is affecting me deeply. I have cried and argued over this subject, but I know that fighting only makes things worse, so I stayed calm, hoping to get through to him about how much this is hurting my feelings.Apparently he doesn't care. This morning while I was asleep,he was at it again.I told myself, he surely wouldn't do it again, right away after we had spoken. I was compelled to check the history anyway.I think now it is becoming almost a power play. He probably does not clear the history cache on purpose, just because I've been arguing over the subject.Typical male passive-aggressive behavior.I realize no one likes to be told what to do or what not to do, but I would never do something continually which I knew was hurting my husband.I am currently running back and forth to Dr. appts., and may have Paget's Breast Disease. I'm waiting for test results, and this man is screwing with my emotions .He still talks to me about every other subject,spends his spare time with me, we go to concerts, movies,art galleries,plays,restaurants regularly,we are political activists,still go on vacations ,we do everything together like always. He can be generous, kind and thoughtful in other areas.Helps with household chores, buys me lovely gifts spontaneously , not only for birthdays, etc. He loves my 4 cats and my great dane as much as I do. We have been best friends for 24 yrs.He doesn't hang out in bars, he is home, the only thing different is he has cut me off sexually. I do not want to feel this lonely forever.I absolutly cannot believe this is happening to me.We used to talk about couples who live lives of no connection physically, saying what a waste that is, to be merely "roomates ".Now I am in a nightmare, I've become one of those people.I'm 51 yrs. old,and feel even though I keep my self attractive for my age, I obviously cannot compete with 20 yr. olds. His porn fixation has ruined my self-esteem. I asked him how he would feel if he had penis cancer and while he was sick on chemo upstairs, I was downstairs looking at photos of big dicks.He just looks at me, or looks away. Of course it is too uncomfortable to respond to !! For god's sake !I feel ill inside everytime I think he may NEVER want me again.He says he DOES want me and no one else, but the months go by and nothing. I have stopped initiating anything personal, as a means of my own self-preservation. I am embarrassed to know he has no desire to undress me anymore. Asking him for sex is pathetic, like begging for attention, and any thing that would come of it anyway, would be meaningless, knowing he felt " forced ". I am now to the point I do not want to discuss test results with him, when he asks, because he has diminished the importance of it all.He gets angry with me when I don't tell him what the dr.s are saying, but I am supposed to discuss a boob problem when he is OBSESSED with other women's boobs??If I had a problem with my elbow, I'd gladly discuss it with him ! What the hell does he REALLY care if he can hurt me on such a deep level ? Is this an addiction for which he is truly powerless ? I am so depressed over trying to figure it out,I drag through each day.
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A
female
reader, Ms.Helper +, writes (22 May 2009):
 I can't really relate to yr issue, but just think about these porn stars... would you really want to look like one?
They are in it for the money, it's cheap, nasty and just sickening for people like you & me. You should never let other people get you down about your appearance, you are beautiful, if he needs to watch porn for a quick release he's obviously missing out on the real deal, which is his loss!
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (22 May 2009):
 Sweetheart
I have been through an abusive relationship were porn was used as a form of sexual abuse, That wasnt the main thing by far. But reading your post let me tell you I inderstand your feelings 100%
Now I wouldnt allow a computer in my house for years after this relationship. I have post traumatic stress..But I now do not look at myself as I did back then! I do not look at pictures or models or porn stars and think any man is doing this to personally hurt me..Just because one did...The fear and upset you are going through is real to you, and I feel if he loves you then to discuss this to pop ur mind at some sort of rest is most definatly needed. But please please dont compare yourself YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!I would only be to happy to talk to you if you wabt to message me, I have been were you are and come through the other end... Please at any time get intouch with love n hugs MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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