A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for just over 2 years now. He lives 2 hours away from me and we have had a generally good long distance relationship. He smoked cigarettes and weed when we started to get close, I told him I wasn't interested in being with someone that smoked and so he stopped. However, 9 months in to our relationship I found that after trying for 3 months to stop, he had started smoking weed again for 6 months and hadn't told me. I was devastated at the time but slowly and after a lot of talking/arguing we have got through it and generally I am over it.The problem is that he continues to smoke weed since that time, and I can't shake the feeling I have about it. I have learnt a lot more about weed from him and I now realise that it is a lot less harmful than I though when we got together. Yet still I can't help myself from being upset and bothered when he turns up to my house stoned and when I see him doing it.I desperately want to just get over it and accept it but I cant seem to make myself. It doesn't help that we often argue when I try to talk to him about it and he doesn't understand why I don't like it and, to be honest, other than him lying and being dopey when hes stoned, I don't really know why I don't like it anymore.I want to work through it and get over it but I don't know what else to do. Any advice would be really appreciated. P.s. for those who may want to tell me how bad weed is, I have done my research and am doing a degree in psychology, and weed really isn't that bad for your health or mental health.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, this is the sort of comment I was seeking, as what I'm trying to do is accept him the way he is I just want to learn how to do it to be honest.
Whilst I get other peoples comments saying I made a deal breaker and he chose to do weed so I should leave him, it's not as easy as that.. We've grown together and he has educated me on weed so I feel differently about it. I think Im still somewhat stuck in my old mind because it's how I've been brought up but I would love for me and him to be able to come to a happy medium on this.
For now I think I will try asking him not to do it around me, if we were to live together I think I would treat it as normal smoking and ask him to do it outside.
Thanks again for your comment and I will pm you shortly to talk more.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 May 2012):
 I don’t’ find weed harmful. It’s psychologically very addicting… but other than that… I think it should be legal… not happening here any time soon…
If you don’t want him to smoke weed, then your only option is to make him choose… sadly that’s not going to go over well as quitting something for someone else never works. I quit smoking for my first husband… I was smoke free for 8 years (we are talking tobacco here) the DAY our marriage ended I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes. I smoked for another 6 years before I quit FOR ME….
IF you say no smoking around me or with me, and you two end up living together or married.. will he have to go out with friends to party??? How will that make you feel?
I personally find that loving a person where they are and how they are and accepting them that way works better.. if they grow and mature and change then that’s a bonus.. loving their potential is not a good plan.
Best of luck to you OP and feel free to PM me to discuss this further as I have a lot more to say but do not wish to make it public.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I do really appreciate your advice and I am going to try that for a while. At the end of the day if nothing else works and I know that I can't get over it and he won't quit then I know I have to walk away. But minus the weed this is easily the best relationship I've ever had.
Thanks so much for talking to me about this even if some of it was a bit hard to hear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): I posted that response before reading your recent reply.
Take weed completely out of your relationship then OP. No smoking around you, no being stoned around you no talking about deals or getting it or anything like that.
Tell him you want weed out of your relationship but that doesn't mean out of his life.
You just want him to consider you in the sense that if he's going to spend the day or night with you he won't smoke beforehand or at all that day.
You can remove weed from your relationship entirely, he doesn't "need" to be stoned around you or anything like that.
Try that for a little while, but be strict about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): "I know and he has told me that if I were to make him choose between weed and me that he would choose me."
You did give him that choice and he chose weed. You told him from the start he said he'd give it up for you and he didn't. How is that choosing you? Besides if he said he'd choose you then just tell him to choose you.
I smoked it for ten years OP I know exactly what it's like to be in his position and you and I know it's not his way of relaxing, it's a habit, is there no other way he can find to relax? One that wouldn't create this issue?
Wanting to get over something does not mean you'll be able to. You're not going to be able to shake that feeling, so either tolerate that feeling or ask him to stop. OP it's not emotional blackmail, it's not a bad thing to ask him to stop. Weed isn't that important a thing at all and it shouldn't be.
What else can you do OP? You've researched it to hell, you've talked it out with him and gotten over it as a major issue but that niggling feeling you have about it will never go away. You're here asking us how someone can get over something they've never really been okay with in the first place and no one can tell you how that is done because you've tried everything else, haven't you?
I mean surely this is your last resort and you've exhausted all other options.
"take that from him it will be difficult for him"
OP I'm telling you as former smoker that it's nothing to do with you taking anything from him. He agreed to this in the beginning OP, all you're doing if you ask him to stop is asking him to live up to his agreement. You want him but you don't want weed being part of your relationship, you told him this from the start, he said he'd stop, he didn't stop he's also told you that he would choose you, then tell him you need him to make that choice because 2 years down the line it still is having a bad effect on you.
"I'm not interested in being the kind of controlling girlfriend that makes him choose between the two because I WANT to get over it because I WANT to be with him."
It's not being controlling OP, it's not something you can help and how is it controlling when he already agreed to it? If he says he'll choose you then I don't see the problem.
Look the only other thing I can suggest is that it's okay for him to smoke but you don't want him smoking around you or being stoned around you. You don't want him talking about it or have it be part of your relationship. Maybe that will work, but honestly in my time as a smoker it would not have been hard to give it up for a girl that I loved and I certainly would give it up if I were him and having said I would stop and went back to it. I said I would, why would I then not do again knowing that my love didn't like it? Knowing from the very start she didn't want to date a smoker? Why would I lie and date her under false pretences then OP?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your comments but he is a really good man, no relationship is perfect and I'm never going to get prince charming but other than this problem, my boyfriend is pretty close. If I wanted to loose what we have over weed, I would have got rid of him a long time ago.
I haven't been able to explain our relationship properly, but what I should mention is that although he will come to my house stoned, he never brings any of it with him and the whole weekend that he is with me he doesn't smoke. The only times I see him smoke are when i visit him where he lives, which isn't very often.
He is currently quitting to show me that he is not addicted to weed but he has said that he doesn't want to quit forever at the moment. He has also said that there is possibility that he will quit for good in the future.
I was previously in a relationship with someone that didn't smoke weed but treated me horribly and emotionally abused me.
At the moment I have been talking to my boyfriend about how I feel he shouldnt smoke it around me when i visit him, and part of me feels that if he does this that i will feel more comfortable as I don't have to be around it. I'm not the sort of person that will give up on something if I feel I will regret it, and at the moment, I feel I will be hurting myself and him if I leave him and I think I will regret it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is, I know and he has told me that if I were to make him choose between weed and me that he would choose me. But I also know that it is his way of relaxing, and if I take that from him it will be difficult for him. I'm not interested in being the kind of controlling girlfriend that makes him choose between the two because I WANT to get over it because I WANT to be with him..
I don't believe the horror stories about weed because I know the majority of them are flawed.
I could really do with some advice from someone who has been in or is in my position.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): *just because you *don't* believe the exaggerated
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): "I told him I wasn't interested in being with someone that smoked"
There's your answer OP. I don't see the confusion. This is a dealbreaker for and lied about it too. OP he has a choice, lose the weed or lose you. There is no way for you to "get over it".
I smoked it regularly for 10 years but can't now because I'm a teacher. While others may be harmed by it, for me it was always a bit of fun, it made life a little more colourful but I only dated girls who smoked it too or were okay with it. I had about 6 weeks of complete isolation and no contact with any of my friends to get it out of my system when I stopped smoking a few years back when I started college again. It's not hard to stop so he has no excuse.
OP just because you believe the exaggerated horror stories doesn't mean you can accept it, especially seeing as he's known from the start you don't accept it. It's simple OP he has a choice, you or the weed. Which matters more to him because he can't have both. That's all this comes down to.
I have a friend who likes a drink a bit too often, his girlfriend ended it and would only take him back if he chose her. He did and now every now and again he is allowed to drink by her on special occasions and he's fine with that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your comments but majority of them suggest that weed is harmful when you have a susceptibility to mental disorders and most also state that there MIGHT be a link but find no definite proof that weed is the cause. Alcohol and tobacco are legal drugs that have been found to cause death, no one has ever died from smoking weed yet it is illegal.
I don't believe my boyfriend has a susceptibility to mental disorders as he has been smoking it for years and is one of the least paranoid, depressed, schizophrenic person I know.
Anyway like I said I appreciate your comments but I really don't want this to turn into a debate on whether weed is good or bad as I am on the fence about it. I simply want some advice, preferably from someone in a similar situation.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2012):
 That would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. No weed. No drugs.
I don't think weed is AT ALL harmless, specially the younger the smoker is. Many studies link mental issues.
QUOTES and LINK:
It is still unclear whether the psychotic symptoms linked to cannabis use are only short-term, or whether they may persist after use of the drug has ceased. In 2005, a Danish study found that almost half the patients treated for cannabis-related mental disorder went on to develop schizophrenia.
The mental health charity Mind found the number of people taken to hospital with psychotic episodes had risen since cannabis was downgraded to Class C. A study in the British Medical Journal in 2004 found that while there was a slight risk of psychotic symptoms, the drug had a much stronger effect on those who already had mental health problems.
A summary of research into the effects of cannabis on psychosis was published in the Lancet last year. It concluded that smoking cannabis increased the risk of schizophrenia by at least 40%.
Louis Appleby, National Director for Mental Health Services, said: "Cannabis is a harmful drug that can damage your mental health. We have known for years that it can be part of a pattern of relapse and risk in people with severe illnesses such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Now the evidence is pointing to cannabis as the cause of psychosis in some people."
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2009/feb/16/cannabis-mental-health
http://www.theantidrug.com/drug-information/marijuana-facts/marijuana-mental-health.aspx
http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/teens-who-smoke-pot-at-risk-for-later-schizophrenia-psychosis-201103071676
There are MANY more studies that say WEED is NOT at all something to trifle with.
I watched my older brother be a total pothead for 3 years and I KNOW how it not only affected him (severe depression, thoughts of suicide) but our whole family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply,
Weed itself is not an addictive drug, it has no addictive qualities and people who smoke it don't suffer from withdrawal symptoms when they stop. it is possible to be psychologically addicted but I don't believe that my boyfriend is because of what I'll explain next..
The problem for me is that when he visits me on the weekends, he may turn up stoned but other than that he stays sober all weekend while he is with me, which shows me he isn't addicted. The times that I am around it is when I visit him (which isn't very often as I am at university). So I'm never really around it but still cant stop myself from wanting him to stop.
I know the easiest option is to walk out but other than weed we have a really good relationship; he treats me like a princess and we still have a lot of fun even though we've been together 2 years. In my previous relationship before him I was with someone that didn't smoke weed but he treated me terribly and I was so blinded it was only until after we broke up that I realised how nasty he was to me.
I can't help but feel that no relationship is perfect and everyone has problems I just wish that weed wasn't our problem. It could be so much worse.. Hes never cheated on me and continues to give up time with his friends and family on the weekend to come and visit me.
I just feel that I'm never going to find prince charming.. But without weed my boyfriend is pretty close.
I just don't know, as I'm sure you can tell I'm very confused about the whole situation.
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reader, Starlights +, writes (2 May 2012):
 If your uncomfy with the whole weed thing; then stop seeing him.
Dont put yourself around something you dont like.
Its your personal preference, and that thing does stink ;)
Personally from experience, people just get stoned on weed and relaxed.
I dont like it myself for me; only because im naturally high and happy, i dont need it :)
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female
reader, babygirllovej  +, writes (2 May 2012):
 Hello,I'm glad you did your research! I'm not fond of it either and would not be able to be with someone who made a habit of smoking weed. If you really can't accept him smoking weed (I wouldn't be able to) then your best option is to move on and find someone who doesn't smoke weed. I'm not sure the affects of weed but surely where it can be addicting it's not good for your mental health. Anything that is addicting is bad for your mental health and it seems your boyfriend is addicted to the point you can't even hang out without him being stoned. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who is always stoned? I certainly wouldn't. I would move on if I were you. I would also suggest to your boyfriend to seek help for his addiction...not because it is weed...but because he is addicted and that is not healthy. It is ruining his relationship with you and probably ruining other parts of his life. Good Luck!
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