A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 3 years and officially dating for a year and a half. We just moved in together into a house with a few friends. We share a room and he's been sleeping on the couch in the livingroom for nights in a row and not in the bed. A big part of living together is that we get to share the same bed and it's pulling me further away from him and a huge turn off. If he can't even sleep in the bed with me why should I be turned on when he decides it's time to show some affection? I feel like I did something wrong but when I ask him he says he was 'drunk' and just fell asleep and that he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal. I don't have a problem with him sleeping on the couch sometimes but it's become a regular thing. On top of how bad this makes me feel it's also disruptive to the other roommates when they get ready in the morning. I worry about my roommates and about waking him up in the morning when I get ready so I now wake up every morning at 3 to try and get him to come to bed and it doesn't work. I don't sleep full nights anymore. Any advice on how to get him back to the bed without making him feel like I'm smothering him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2014): If you snore or wiggle too much, he will probably go where he can find undisturbed sleep. Sleep is very important, and undisturbed sound sleep is rare.
If you've slept alone the majority of your lifetime, inviting someone else in takes time to get used to. I have to admit, that in the winter it's great snuggling under a comforter or blankets together. Except for Popsicle toes.
When the weather is warm, I'm all over the place. It might disrupt the sleep of another person. I have a queen-size bed, and I sleep on every inch of it. When I had a partner, I had a king-sized bed; and there was more than enough room to stretch out. Yet, I would miss cuddling and spooning; so I had to compromise and become a considerate sleeper.
I sleep very lightly, so snoring will keep me awake. Some people have sleep-spasms, and the jerky motions are annoying. My sister says my brother-in-law used to talk in his sleep; and tosses about. They now have one of those beds he can adjust or set his own firmness, and she can adjust her own. Now they sleep peacefully together, and the talking has almost stopped. Restless sleep may have been his problem.
It might be hard to tell you the real reason he sleeps on the couch; but I think he owes you an honest explanation. Especially if it hurts your feelings; or it disrupts or imposes on your other roommates. If he gets drunk that much, you may have another problem to deal with.
Try not to come across confrontational. If you take the right approach, you're more likely to get the truth. If you nag or bark, don't expect to get the truth; you'll get lame excuses.
In any case; you share a house; and other people may not like finding him stretched out and having to tiptoe around him. If there is another female in the house, she may not like your man sprawled out; and the first thing she sees each morning. It can be off-putting and creepy.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2014):
 "A big part of living together is that we get to sleep in the same ned " it is so only if you make it so and you load the sharing , or not sharing, a bed with lots of psychological / emotional meanings that not necessarily are inherent to the act of sleeping together , but mostly just a social construct / a habit.
My mother resisted heroically for the first couple of years sharing a bed with my father , then decamped for the following 45 years or so- my father not only was a heavy snorer , but he also talked loud and SANG in his sleep. My parents's marriage was a very solid, close and happy one.
Ditto for my sister, she and her husband sleep on two different floors of their house, my BIL is the loudest snorer ever ( for mysterious reasons, since he does not smoke, does not drink, does not have an ounce of extra fat , and scores of nose/throat specialists have pronounced him perfectly healthy, and yet, he snores to wake the dead ) This too is a marriage that after many years is still going strong on many levels, including the intimacy one.
It is not unusual that people for tons of different reasons just feel more comfortable and rest better sleeping on their own, I could quote dozens of other examples just in my circle of friends . I feel that only in a small percentage this may be a way to avoid intimacy,- most often is just a way to secure oneself a good night's rest, without all the inconveniences of sharing a bed, mentioned by the other posters. I also feel that sleeping separately or together is not an indicator of the health of a relationship, people manage all the time to cuddle, be affectionate, be emotionally and physically close and also have great sex even if they choose to sleep in separate beds or separate bedrooms. ( And of course, other people manage to treat each other like shit even if they in the same bed ).
Of course you need to have the space to do that, and a shared accomodation is not the ideal, if your bf routinely hogs the sofa in a shared house, yes, I suppose the roommates might have issues with that. But, your bf is a grown up man,let him handle that- if the roommates have a problem with where he sleeps, THEY can tell him.
All in all, if your relationship is altogether good I would not worry, and would let the man sleep wherever he likes. If any, I would worry , and be annoyed, much more because he falls asleep DRUNK so very often !
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (10 June 2014):
 I had an ex who used to do the same thing to me, and months after we split, I realized that it was his way of avoiding intimacy. In your situation, I don't think this is the case, beacause you are in a committed relationship and living together. It may be that he does not feel physically comfortable sleeping next to you or anyone else. It may be due to snoring, temperature, movement in the night, as some of the other aunts and uncles mentioned. Perhaps two single beds in the same room might solve the problem.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 June 2014):
 My hubby and I have some issues with the bed vs the couch.
we even have a guest room bed that we can use as needed and yet at least one or two nights a week ONE of us falls asleep on the couch. I used to try to wake him to come to bed but I realized that I sleep better and he sleeps better if we sleep apart. We don't want to move into separate rooms so we just let the couch be our other space.... we even keep a pillow and a throw on the couch.
some nights he comes to bed and i'm snoring loudly and he will wake me to move to the other room... sometimes he's snoring and I'll just move to the couch.
I would NOT worry about waking him or your roommates waking him... if he's asleep on the couch just let him lie and go about your business no matter what time.
also when my husband comes to bed it starts my nightly cycle of hot flashes and he calls me his furnace... which is nice in December but lousy in July...
if he's not sleeping on the couch to avoid you or intimacy and it's just that he's falling asleep on the couch... oh well....
he may not want to tell you that you are snoring or you have restless leg or whatever.
some nights we just cant' get comfortable together in a queen with two huge body pillows....
if everything else in the relationship is good, I'd not risk ruining it by forcing him to sleep in the bed just because you want him there... ask him to be honest and let you know what if any issue there is...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 June 2014):
If expressing your needs makes you feel like you're smothering him that's part of the problem. Tell him. Plain and simple. Nothing you said here should be a problem for someone who cares about you and your happiness (actually I'd leave out the part about being turned on).
If this DOES make him feel smothered then you're with the wrong guy. Your needs should be important to him. Not only that, but him thinking they're important should be important to you.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (10 June 2014):
 How often did you sleep together before you moved into the shared room?
Did you regularly spend every night - all night together?
Sleeping in a bed with someone just when you are being intimate/having a sleep over, is very different to sleeping in the same bed as someone "just to sleep"
It can take a bit of getting used to. Sleeping habits can be a massive issue. Snoring. Bed hogging. Duvet stealing. Temperature (my personal issue), as well as farting, talking in your sleep etc can all lead to your SO not getting a good nights sleep.
Perhaps he worries that he has some sleeping habit that might keep you awake, OR you have a habit which is keeping him awake?
He could just be struggling with being relaxed enough to sleep. You need to talk to him about this. Communication is the key!
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