A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend slapped me across the face, was it my fault?My boyfriend has Bipolar Disorder. He drinks a lot sometimes, and this annoys me, whether he is being annoying when he is drunk or not. Sometimes, he is hyper and happy when he is drunk, and sometimes he is moody when he is drunk. Both of those can be annoying though, as even when eh is happy and hyper, he is too loud. He is quieter when he is sober. I went to his house tonight. It was ok at first. We were kissing and cuddling, and he made us a nice meal. After we had the meal, he told me that he wanted to lie down for a bit, but that he would walk me home later. I thought he was being awkward, as I also went to his house yesterday and he was drunk then. He told me earlier in the day yesterday that he was going to walk me home, but when it was almost time for me to go, he told me he couldn't go with me because he didnt feel like it ( because he was drunk ). So, I thought he was being awkward again tonight, even though he probably wasn't. He did get up early today, and it took him most of the day to make the meal that we had. For some reason, this annoyed me, and I might have gone to far. I turned his stereo off in his room ( we had been listening to music on it ), and I pulled the covers off him quickly and told him to get up. He suddenly got up, and that was when he slapped me across the face. I ran out of the room. He pushed me when I was on the stairs. Luckily, I didn't fall down them. He went back in his room, and he was shouting. He called me a ***** and said I was crazy. I went into the living room, and I could hear him running down the stairs. I was scared, so I quickly grabbed my coat and handbag and ran out of the house, and ran down the street. It was dark and raining too. He didn't come after me. I went back to the house and knocked on his door again. He had locked it, and he didn't answer. I had to walk home , and I had to go over a canal, which I suppose isn't really safe!. It's the quickest way to get to my house from his house though, but it still takes about 20 minutes. I was scared, as it was quiet there. Anyone could have happened to me. Do you think I should apologise to him for how I behaved?. I feel bad because of how I behaved, but I don't think that gave him the right to slap me across the face and push me on the stairs.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (11 November 2013):
 Hmm, a drunkard that has decided to lay his hands on you, what a catch.
This guy sounds like a waster. He could very easily hit you again now he's shown this tendancy.
If I were you I wouldn't risk it, let this one go.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 He sent the message that you are best apart from each other?? I AGREE! He just broke up with you! It's not some temporary break, so stop pining after him, texting him that you love him, and STOP APOLOGIZING! Have some self-respect! His slapping you and shoving you negates all of your apologies. You turning off his music and taking his covers off of him isn't that bad at all. You didn't break into his house to do that. Seriously, if the two of you were out on a date and not at his house, how would you feel toward a guy who abandoned you at the restaurant and went somewhere else, ditching you?
This guy invites her over and falls asleep. He should have walked her home or called her a cab since he promised to walk her home, and THEN went and laid down after she left.
You should love him like you love malaria, or fleas, or genital warts. Stop trying to get this to be a temporary break and LEAVE HIM for good! He may be bipolar, but you need to see someone if your emotions right now are anything but anger and outrage and pain. This whole grovelling kick dog "love" isn't love. It's the Stockholm syndrome where you love your abuser, and it's mentally sick.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 It would be difficult for you to break up with him ? ...Fine, then take him back, let him slap the shit out of you any time he wakes up a bit grumpy, and / or learn to always walking on tip toes around him, in fear that something menial may trigger his anger. See how easy you'll find that .
OP, if you are considering taking him back - you need a good shrink more than your bipolar ( and , I suppose, not in treatmen ? ) bf does !. Well, no offense but even apologizing when you are the one who got physically abused, it's not a shining sign of perfect mental lucidity.
Same as finding inane excuses for his violence . Being drunk does not make it better ! Drunk people don't get free passes to be aggressive and out of control, because nobody MADE them drubk ! They can choose to stay sober- or to drink less at least- if they have a problem with impulse control ! ( And now that I think of it- he should not drink anyway. If he is on meds, he could have very bad side effects. And even not on meds- bipolar and heavy drinking do not mix well ).
Aw come on, you have the perfect chance to get yourself out from a dysfunctional relationship, since apparently HE made the decision YOU should have made but did not have the guts to - he does you a big favour, he gives you back your freedom, your dignity, and the chance of having a GOOD r/ship with someone else... and you try to ruin everything with your attempts to lure him back ?? Mark my words, if your attempts succeed... you'll come to regret it , in the near future. You should hope that he sticks to his guns !
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (10 November 2013):
This is an abusive relationship. Move on. This is unhealthy and will do nothing to promote a happy life for your future. Do NOT contact him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): He had NO RIGHT to slap you, but you were wrong too. If someone cut off my music and ripped the covers off of me and demanded I get up, I'd consider that controlling behavior. Hell, I'd be tempted to slap the shit out of them too! Would my bi-polar self actually do that? No. I'd just kick the person out of my house - in a heartbeat. I'm thinking "awkward" is a polite way of saying "drunk" and if you knew what he was doing, why not tell him you won't be around him when he's drunk and then leave? What the Hell do you see in this relationship?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): Your boyfriend is not good for you.
He treats you like shit!
1. He invites you to his house promising to walk you home afterwards and then he doesn't. The route is not safe / you don't feel safe walking it alone. He should walk you home if he wants you to visit him. The fact that you have to beg / plead/ force him to do it means he does not care whether anything happens to you or not. Or at least he doesn't care enough to get off his backside and walk you home.
2.He slaps you, pushes you down the stairs and calls you names. Then he runs after you to.... (who knows what he would have done if you hadn't run off?) In any case, you did not feel safe with him. So much so that you grabbed your things and ran out into the rain to walk down the path where you didn't feel safe. You must have been extremely scared of him to have decided to go home alone. Remember how that was a dangerous route to start with and one you are not usually happy with walking alone.
It doesn't matter that he has bipolar.
That does not make it ok for him to physically abuse and threaten you the way he did. It is not an excuse.
You would have to have serious self-esteem issues to decide to get back with him after this. If you consider carrying on the relationship I suggest you do some soul searching because you too need some help if you think it's ok to choose a life partner who does not care about you and who abuses you.
What he did was wrong on soooo many levels.
But you have the choice to walk away now. The decision is your whether to stay with someone who is not good for you or to leave him and find someone else who treats you better.
Yes you love him. But love yourself first. When you love yourself, you will not let anyone treat you like this. Would you let someone slap your mother and push her down the stairs and tell your mother it's ok, she should forgive him? Would you let someone slap your daughter and push her down the stairs and tell your daughter it's ok, she should stay with the guy? Would you advise your best friend or your sister to stay with someone who does this?
Or would you tell them it's better to be alone than to be abused? Would you not tell them to leave him because he is scum? Would it not hurt you to watch them stay with someone like this?
In every sexual relationship there is always the risk of getting pregnant. Can you imagine the horror if you accidentally got pregnant with his child and he is a drunk who is abusive? Would you really want to risk bringing a baby into this situation?
It will be hard to walk away because as you say sometimes he can be sweet.
But sweetheart, lots of guys out there can be sweet without abusing you too. You are aiming a little low here. Whatever good things he can do, there are other guys who can do them too without the excessive drinking, the violence and without treating you like dirt sometimes.
It is not ok to let someone treat you like this.
I really hope that you are strong enough to say enough is enough and walk away now.
If you do go back to him, he will hit you again and again and again until you realise that your life is in danger and you have to flee to safety. When that realisation dawns on you that you have to leave him, I hope you will come back to this question you have asked and act on the feedback given by people who do not want to see you hurt.
In the meantime, what ever you decide to do with him, please please please confide in your friends, parents, sisters or anyone close to you. You will need their support whether you stay with him or not. If you leave him, you might be tempted to go back to him because you miss the good times. Your friends who care about you will stop you from running back to him. Equally, if you do decide to stay with him, your friends will be there to give you support / keep you safe next time he beats you up again. In any case, if you keep it to yourself you will start to feel more and more powerless and guilty for letting it happen and it will become harder and harder for you to leave. So please talk to someone close to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): He sent me a message today, saying we are best apart from each other. I don't know if that means he wants to break up for good, or if he just wants a bit of a break. I sent a message back, saying I was sorry for what I did, but he shouldn't slapped and pushed me either. I also told him I love him. For some reason, I do still love him. We have been together two years. It would be difficult for me to break up with him.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 November 2013):
So what if he is bipolar? So what if he was drunk? Neither condition exempts himself from accountability for his behavior. Neither condition would have saved him from going to jail if you had called the police on him for domestic assault.
So he was drinking constantly yesterday and today, and he drinks way too much. His leaving to go lay down when you were there to spend time with him was rude. I don't think he had any right to be pissed for what you did to him because YOU had the right to be pissed he just abandoned you on a house date to go lay down. It's not your fault he drunk to excess. He did it to himself on a couple of days you had planned to be together.
You did nothing that would make his treatment of you your fault. Slapping you, trying to injure you by shoving you down some stairs and calling you a degrading name is disgusting, especially when he committed the offense that started all of this.
I really worry about you because you ran back to his house after all of this went down, because your next move should be nothing short of telling him you never want to see him again, and to stay away from you forever. Slapping and shoving? Bad idea, and that sort of behavior only gets worse. Even now, the drinking is out of hand. Don't accept the whole "it was the alcohol, not me" because it WAS him. Don't make deals that he says he'll "stop drinking".
Watch the movie "The Burning Bed", and you'll see that this sort of abusive behavior is never a "one time" sort of thing. Do not stay with him. Don't do it. The whole "we'll he's usually quite sweet" or "I still love him" doesn't and shouldn't fly unless you want every tooth in your mouth broken.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (10 November 2013):
 Do not apologize to him. HE owes YOU the apology. The worst thing you could possibly say to him still would not excuse physical violence on his part. Nothing short of you physically attacking HIM gives him any kind of an excuse to hit you, so please don't allow him to put the blame for this back on you. He should be begging you to take him back... and honestly, you should refuse him.
Why? Because unfortunately you now have a much more significant issue in your relationship than the dispute itself. The problem is this: your boyfriend has shown himself to be, under the right circumstances, a man capable of physical violence toward the woman he is supposed to love. What you do with that newfound knowledge is up to you, but I hope for your sake that you find the courage to leave him before this becomes an established pattern in the relationship.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 November 2013):
The only thing you could have done to deserve it would be to physically attack him.
Now though, you seem "aware" enough to realize he shouldn't have hit you. So what are you going to do with that information? As they say, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." Meaning you need to leave him or this will happen again. You've been warned and I'm sure you realize it yourself.
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A
female
reader, bubble15 +, writes (10 November 2013):
 My boyfriend has a mental illness also. Its a very hard thing to deal with. No, its not your fault. No man has the right to hit a woman. He also had no right or reason to push you down the stairs.If you want to stay in this relationship here are some ways to help deal with his ups and downs. One, don't poke at him if you can tell he isn't himself. Help him through it. Be strong for him. Two when you feel he is being to mean or violent call someone to get you, don't walk by yourself. If something happened to you I'm sure he would never forgive himself. And three, talk to him after every episode he has. Tell him what scared you and ways you think you could help him during the next one.It does get easier, you just have to work through the problem and find ways to make it better for both of you. Don't say sorry till he does. Tell him why you acted the way you did. I hope this helps in the long run. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 November 2013):
No, he didn't have a right to slap you and push you! Granted, yes, he had every right to be pissed off at you for pulling off his covers and bothering him, but he still shouldn't have physically attacked you.
No, I don't think you should apologize to him until after you hear an apology from him and you should really evaluate if this is the type of relationship you want to be in. A relationship with a bipolar person is tough, you don't want to also have to deal with them being abusive.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 November 2013):
 Was it your "fault"? No, the hitting was his choice, but you DID do your best to provoke him and what the result? He hit you and then tried to push you down some stairs.
If he lives in a place where you can't walk home alone, he needs to visit you.
However, with that said, I think you REALLY need to rethink this relationship, it sounds rather unhealthy. You were pushing all his buttons to get a raise out of him, knowing that he wasn't having a good day.. why?
And I'm not sure what you mean by awkward, you keep mentioning him being awkward for whatever reason.. WHAT exactly do you mean by it?
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A
female
reader, crazyinlove06 +, writes (10 November 2013):
You can tell him you are sorry for what you have done, but dont blame yourself for him slapping you no man should ever hit a woman and he can tell you hes sorry and it won't happen again but 8/10 times they will do it again, I think that you should just give him time to think about what he wants,with bipolar he shouldn't be drinking specially if he is on pills for it. Good luck to you.
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