A
male
age
41-50,
*t109
writes:Has anyone had to make a decision like this?I was dating someone a while ago, but it ended after two months. Since then we stay in touch as friends as she said I was important to her. In the meantime we both date other people although the person she started to date after me seems to be a boyfriend to her now.Recently she text me to ask me about any dates I have been on. I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and asked her why did we ever stop dating. I didn't expect her to reply but she explained everytime she met me, her heart raced, she had butterflies and was nervous because she thought to herself why would this lovely man want to be with me. She said she found me so immensely attractive and so, so beautiful that she would of become a nightmare girlfriend because she would be insecure, terrified of me losing interest and finding someone else. The bloke she is seeing now is 15 years older. She said she didn't even find him remotely atractive at first. His totally calm, slow attitude would drive most women mad she says.Have any of you girls decided not to date the man of your dreams as she described me once and go for someone you wouldn't have to worry over? What's more strange is the 'worry' is unfounded. I felt the same way as her.I just do not get women's thought processes at times!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): I actually feel that way quite often. There's a very smart guy I like and I often feel I'm not 'intellectually engaging' enough for him and that he'd never even think about wanting to be with me. I have an opportunity to see him but I'm almost thinking about not going because I'm scared he'll get bored when chatting to me. This guy is absolutely kind and would probably never think these things about me, but unfortunately, insecurity can be a witch and make you do stupid things. I've had a pep talk with myself and decided to go, but I just wanted to let you know that people CAN think like this sometimes and I suggest the best way to make her yours is to reassure her more than once. If you can do that, and keep doing it while in the relationship as well, she might just stay.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 It is a lot easier to go for someone who is "below" you. That way you get the upper hand in a relationship and get to call the shots. Maybe this just shows you than she is a needy woman who needs 100% of your attenion or else she gets jealous/unsure. Maybe it means she has a nedd for control in the relationship, a need to be the top dog, the brightest star etc. She would perhaps see you as competition in a relationship, and think of herself as unattractive etc when compared with you. For example, if you and her were at a bar, she wants to be the one who recieves attention. It gives her an ego boost. So, I would say, that she is not a confident person who depends on the approval of others to feel good about herself. She needs to feel like she is "better" than the person she is with.
Or, shes just not into you and tried to let you down gently.
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A
male
reader, rt109 +, writes (10 November 2013):
rt109 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies.
She never complimented just now and when we stopped dating. It has been regularly. I think if she was doing that to let me down gently she would be bored of it now.
It's interesting what NYCDreamer said. I remember one time we were out in the car and I told her how beautiful I found her. She immediately snapped telling me to shut up and stop being so ridiculous. She also would never let me touch her face. She pulled away if I tried. Maybe there was more to it.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (10 November 2013):
Hmm...I've had girlfriends say they wouldn't ever want to marry a guy that's super attractive because then they wouldn't have to "worry" about him cheating on them. Which, I think is kind of a dumb reasoning, because ugly people cheat too. BUT there are some people that think that way.
Her explanation could be a possibility, but it doesn't sound too bright either. I mean, if I found a man that I was extremely attracted to that gave me butterflies, heck, I wouldn't want to let him go too easy unless he had some sort of deal breaking character flaw.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 November 2013):
 I'm with Cindy.
I want BANG! for my bucks (so to speak) I don't understand her reasoning either, to me it kinda sounds more like she was trying to "save face" (yours) and thus she wildly complimented you.
Maybe some of the studies says that some people can't handle attractive partner.... I just don't get it. UNLESS they have dated attractive people before and ended up hurt, then it "might" make sense.
But no, If I think a guy is a great catch and I sense fireworks on the horizon, I'd definitely go for it. I don't believe in "settling".
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2013):
 Maybe those researchers who conducted the studies are a bunch of very insecure people and that inconsciously prejudiced their findings to lean toward that conclusion :) ?
No, I don't get it. I can't understand that kind of thought processes. ALL relationships, particularly at the beginning stage, are frail, vulnerable, and passible to end any time for any reason. Impermanence is a fact of a life, - all things are subject to change, end, finish. Investing in something that may not have a happily ever after is a normal risk that you take every day, and not only in love.
Even a tottering old crone, or the mousiest , most insipid of girls might decide to dump you ,same as somebody attractive and charismatic. So, once you decide to run the risk of being disappointed / abandoned, ... might as well enjoy the here and now at the fullest with somebody that really makes your heart race and your mouth water.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 November 2013):
It's funny that you ask this question because there have actually been studies that indicate most people don't want a partner that's too attractive because of the exact reasons you stated.
They prefer, subconsciously at least, to have "flings" with those people, but not long term relationships.
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