A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need some encouraging words right now. I'm hurting so bad. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years (today). Yes, my anniversary is today, which just adds to the pain I'm going through right now.Over the last several months we started falling apart. Getting into petty fights and just not being as happy as we once were. Due to this, he started distancing himself 2 months ago. His texts, effort, initiation of dates decreased. We didn't see each other as much. We talked about the problems and he told me what I needed to work on, and vice versa. He also told me he wasn't happy anymore. While being distant he'd still "check in" every other day or so telling me he loves/misses me. The last few months neither of us has been a real pleasure but I've been working on myself and am noticing a difference. Because of this he's actually started texting me more but after today, I feel like it's hopeless.Over the last couple weeks we've been communicating a lot better and I've been working on my issues. Now here's the problem, he's still being distant but he won't break up with me. I feel like he's wanting me to break up with him, but when I stop contacting him and act like I don't care and am letting him go, he doesn't like it and goes on with all kinds of nonsense and gets upset. He's holding onto me but doing nothing with me, if that makes any sense. We text all day yesterday and I was looking forward to spending our anniversary together today.Last night he asked me, through text, to do him a favor and I did, with no hesitation. Afterwards he thanked me and sent me a goodnight text saying how he loves/misses me and wanted to wish me an early happy anniversary. After midnight his phone ran out of time, so I assumed he'd find a way to contact me today about coming over. I called Verizon 2 hours ago and he's added time to his phone but still hasn't made any attempt to talk to me. Not a single text, nothing. I'm so hurt right now. He's started taking me for granted and only being here when it benefits him. We were making progress and I can't believe he'd do this today, of all days. Anytime he asks me for help I'm here for him. I'm just crushed. My hearts been ripped out. :'(
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 So what if he gets angry and doesn't like it? If you want to walk away then walk away! You need to rake responsibility for your own life and the situation you are in. You can't keep blaming him for being miserable while in the relationship, and at the same time blame him for you not being able to be single.
If you leave the relationship, then what he thinks about it doesn't matter.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLike I said, his time ran out on his phone and he said, the day before, he'd get in touch with me. I very well initiated plans so it wasn't like I was just sitting here doing nothing. But without time on his phone to contact me about what when/where it was hard, but he just didn't get in touch with me yesterday after putting time on his phone. I seem to be making all the effort here, is my point, and it isn't getting me anywhere. When I start to to walk away he gets angry and doesn't like it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (10 November 2013):
 I think you are right in that your boyfriend is doing the minimum to keep you hanging and actually wants you to break up with him. His not celebrating the 3 year anniversary is to get you to break up with him. When he's asking you to do favors it is to test how much you are still in this so he could continue to pull on your strings while living the single life maybe. This is clearly not a case of miscommunication but a break down in the relationship.
Stop helping him and get back your power. It is okay to let go of a relationship when it doesn't make you happy anymore. You should celebrate yourself not for the relationship, but the revelation that you will start a new chapter in your life. I know you won't feel like celebrating but you need to convince your whole self that the new life is worth it without him. My favorite healing thing to do is a spa and some ethnic cuisine.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 November 2013):
When reading this I feel exhausted. You play so many games, both of you. So much drama, so much that is unnecessary, so much guilt tripping, so much blame. So much of everything that is negative, and you purposefully bring it up to justify feeling bad and to allow yourself to cry and feel betrayed and heartbroken.
Look, YOU CHOOSE how you should feel. He did not make you feel this or that way, YOU are in control of your emotions and YOU decide how you will feel. You handle the situation very poorly. The first thing that doesn't go your way and to your hopes and you throw yourself down and scream and shout and cry and blame him for all things wrong in the world.
If YOUR anniversary (you wrote your, not ours) is SOOOO important to you, then I really, really wonder why YOU didn't call him. Why YOU didn't agree to meet him. Why YOU didn't arrange to meet with him when you spoke with him the day before.
You pretend to be so passive, yet you call to check if he's added time to his phone?!! Why, why did you just not call HIM?? Why all these games, all this drama, all this sneaking around trying to set up traps for him to fall into?
I know this isn't going to sound nice in your ears, but I think you're being a drama queen who cries for attention. Nothing is wrong, but you just LOVE the drama. If you wanted to meet him all you needed to do was tell him so. All you needed to do was call him, if you wanted to talk to him. All you needed to do was ask him to celebrate the anniversary if that is what you wanted.
But, no, you don't do that. And the reason is obvious, yet I believe you refuse to admit it: You want him to look like the bad guy, so you set up traps where you know there is a high chance he will "fail" by YOUR rules. You did not even arrange with him that he should call you, yet you are upset he didn't do it because you expected him to! How does that work, in real life? Mind reading? He could just as well write in to us with the EXACT same story, crying about why YOU didn't call him!
You're a grown woman. Ask for what you want, speak truthfully about what you want, and do not play games. Admit to yourself what it is you truly want. You didn't have to sit at home today feeling sorry for yourself if that isn't what you deliberately set yourself up to do.
You're hurting so bad because YOU play childish games and YOU deliberately put yourself in situations where you feel justified in feeling how you do. Imagine if you called him, you agreed to meet, and all went well? Oh, you wouldn't be able to cry and blame him then, would you? Hence why you didn't call and agree to meet him.
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