A
female
age
41-50,
*arleysmum
writes:please help as this is driving me insane!I'm 36 and been wth my partner for 2 1/2 years, we dont live together, he lives alone and i live with my kids (not his).he has never in the 11 years at his address socialised with the neighbours - he wouldnt even open his blinds! but recently a couple moved upstairs, and my partner and the man upstairs began sitting outside on chairs for hours, which was fine until the single mum opposite started coming over to sit with them, she will sit and talk to my partner for hours but when im sitting out there she will barely say hello to me and wont come over - i practically lived there for the 6 week holiday and somehow he spoke to her/she came over lots of times during the very rare occasions that i wasnt there.now my partner has started sitting outside alone on a chair when im not there facing her house which is literally dead opposite, and very close, even when his new friend upstairs isnt around, (which he never did before), he opens his blinds and windows which he never did before and walks around outside without a top on - something else he has never ever done.Why will she come over and sit with him when im not there and wont talk to me? i feel he is encouraging her by sitting outside alone and why has he now always got his blinds and windows open and walking round topless? am i going mad or have i got a reason to be feeling suspicious, and what do i do? the rows its caused are unbelievable. help!!
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Yes he's encouraging her and yes he is enjoying the attention. So if you've been seeing him for 2.5 years don't you think it's time you moved in or got married? That would definately put an end to your problem. And maybe since your relationship seems to be in limbo he doesn't see it as a permanent thing, so he's keeping his options open.
A
female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (10 September 2010):
 TimmD is right, you should try talking to him calmly about this, without raised voices. If he's being very defensive and getting angry at you, then that to me may be because he know's you're right and maybe feels guilty. If he cares about you and your feelings, then he would listen to what you had to say and comfort you without getting mad.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Your playing your cards all wrong. You sound like the jealous woman, arguing and nagging all the time. It makes her look like an angel, able to stay calm and listen to all his problems. Your fighting, controlling and bossing him around. That aint helping, your pushing him right at her.
You say that she moves any time you sit down. Well go over there and be charming and sit down a lot. Don't fight and don't make arguments, that makes her look attractive. Do it the other way. Invite her around for cookies and tea, go and play nicely with this nice best friend you got. Tell him you was wrong, and your sorry you got so upset because you is just a mean and jealous woman who is so in love with him. Make sure you spend extra time looking extra nice, spend lots of time kissing him, and trying to make out in the garden just where she can see it.
The way to claim your man and dump the woman next door, is to become a kind and sexy kitten, the kind of woman that everyone adores, the kind of woman that your man would be very stupid to cheat on.
If that doesn't work, well go and find yourself a single male neighbour and go try sitting down with him. If this is too hard, I'm sure there's a single guy at work that you can start to lust over and start talking about. Jealousy as you found works wonders for keeping people on their toes.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Don't give him the chance to say "her indoors is mean and she doesn't really understand me".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I'd say that you have a reason to be concerned. Changed behavior of any kind is usually a sign that something has changed with a person. I'd say, if nothing else, he at least likes that she pays attention to him in some way.
Had a similar problem with my BF's neighbor. I warned him that she was definitely wanting more than friendship. She was over the house all the time when I wasn't around and when I was there, she rarely would speak to me. He denied her interest but it didn't take long for her to make her move. Lucky for me he wasn't interested in her. That doesn't change the fact that she WAS after him, regardless that he had a GF.
You need to have a conversation with him about it. Both of you need to be open about your feelings and if he's feeling like he has an interest in this woman, then he needs to choose between you and her. Not easy in the least but if he loves you and wants you, then he should be able to put her aside or involve you in the friendship with her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I believe you have very good reason to be concerned. Dont be ashamed of spying on him. Sometimes it`s the only way of ridding yourself of torment.
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A
female
reader, harleysmum +, writes (10 September 2010):
harleysmum is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsorry-i meant 200% lol
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A
female
reader, harleysmum +, writes (10 September 2010):
harleysmum is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for answering,
when i first realised what was happening i lost my temper and told him i wouldnt have it,he got upset and promised to ignore her and ask her why she wont talk to me,he really panicked.
he never did say anything,so it carried on,and the next few times i confronted him about talking to her or his sitting outside alone he called me a name and got angry.
i spoke to him at the weekend and promised to drop it,he asked if he could still talk to her and ive told him to leave it at hello/hows things etc if they pass,but tonight i stopped at his after work,a flying visit (he wasnt expecting me) and there he was-once again- sitting outside alone on a chair,i asked why he was outside alone and he said his upstairs neighbour would be down in a minute-im ashamed to say i walked down the road and spied on him,he continued to sit alone outside for best part of an hour before going in-ive always trusted him 20% but i cant seem to drop this-im going insane
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A
female
reader, Klairelouise +, writes (9 September 2010):
Hello
as much as things may seem difficult for you and i understand if a young lady has moved opposite it can sometimes be very hard for anyone especially if they are only coming over when it appears that your are not about, but perhaps think more on the positive side of things, he maybe wondering around with hsi top off because it is now summer, perhaps when you first met him it wasnt as hot and there was no need for his top to be off, as for the sititng on his own again it summer it might be nice to go and sit out in the sun and either have some alone time or just enjoy the weather perhaps next time ask if he would like some company and join him out front, perhaps the young lady who comes over and speaks to him has felt awkward in your presnece sometimes us females give off neagtives vibes with out realsing it and maybe with out realisng it you ahve made her feel un welcome, perhaps pop over to hers one day and invite her round for coffee or soemthing and get to know her better :) then maybe she will pop round more oftern to see you, try talking nicely to your partner about how you feel, after all i dont think there is anything to worry about he is with you because he wants to be with you :D if its caused arguments maybe he is just trying to prove that he has not doing anything wrong, i am sure deep down there is nothing to worry about and hope everyhting will seem clear and ok soon
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A
male
reader, TimmD  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Have you tried talking to him? I don't mean starting a confrontation or a fight, but just being completely honest with him and showing him how much this is bothering you. His reaction should give you an insight to what he's thinking. If he really cares about you he should see how hurt you are by this and want to deal with it. But if he laughs it off, gets defensive, or even gets mad? This changes things.
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