| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hey all. Thanks in advance for your help. My boyfriend seems to play a lot of online games. I think they are useless and a waste of time. He plays one particular online game every single day and sometimes for hours. I would rather get back to real life and do things together. But he seems to be addicted to these games, and thinks there is nothing wrong with playing games. I want to know when do you know it becomes an addiction and where do you draw the line? He is always doing things online and can't seem to sit still or relax. He always seems to need some stimulation, and honestly this makes me feel uncomfortable. He says they are just games and he has a right to do whatever he wants, and I should not be so controlling. How do you know when someone needs help for being addicted to games or online activities? What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2021): People go where they find escape and stimulation. Gaming is intriguing, visually stimulating, creates dopamine, and increases adrenaline. Escapism is what many people turn-to when they feel too stressed, can't cope; and just for the sheer fun of it. While some like knitting, sports (playing or watching), arts & crafts, writing, reading, or watching movies. We can't decide for others where they should seek recreation, or their relaxation.
If he never leaves his game chair, rarely showers, has every game that hits the market, he's buried in candy and junk-food wrappers; and bro hardly even takes a bathroom break. Does he always look disheveled, have body-odor, and wear the same smelly clothes for days?
Then girlfriend, your boo is in big-trouble! Huge!!!
For the most part, it's subjective. If you want to do other things, and you're craving some attention; a straight hour of his gaming could be too much for you. It's not really up to you to decide how much is too much. He might decide you shop too much, or chit-chat with your girlfriends too much, you look at your phone too much, or nag too much! If he asserts his equal-rights, and decides to tell you what he finds to be "too much!" It's very much a matter of opinion.
How can you fairly assess the situation, when you don't have an unbiased group of people right-there to evaluate him over a set period of time? You need the scientific-method to reach such a conclusion. We'd have to directly monitor his online-game activity; and that would be an invasion of privacy. We'd have to be there, to be fair! It's your opinion versus his!
If you need more attention and romance; I guess you'd have to be nice and sweet about it. Find ways to distract his attention from gaming. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar! You want to spend more time with him; but being critical and confrontational gives him more of an excuse to avoid you.
Going back to the escapism theory. I would assume he just finds more satisfaction in being lost in a video fantasy-adventure; than thinking about covid-19 variations, crazy politics, work-stress, the news; and trying to think of ways to keep you happy 24/7. If he interacts with other gamers; that's his form of socializing and competition. It can be addictive!
Gaming, for dedicated-gamers, is fun without issues. I turn to gardening and reading, and I like working-out in my free-time. I like answering posts on DC. Some might feel I'm obsessed with it. That's a matter of opinion. We all have our favs and dislikes. What's your healthy obsession? Dedicate more time to it!
What makes you feel good, and gives you an adrenaline-rush? I mean other than clinging to your boyfriend, and monitoring his game-time? You can only take so much of that before it stops feeling good; and begins to feel more like smothering. You have to be in the mood! You have to be on the same-page about romance. Simply put, it's a matter of mood, and synchronized-feelings. The more stressed he feels, the more he probably escapes to his gaming. It's better than expressing aggressive-behavior, cheating, getting high; or getting into mischief. You know where he is at all times!
If your relationship lacks passion and affection; and he doesn't seem to be spontaneous about showing you love. Maybe the relationship has run its course; and you're both looking for something different at the present. If he won't even consider a compromise, and try to meet you halfway; then maybe you and he are no longer a match.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 September 2021):
 What do you do? You decide whether what you are getting from this relationship at present satisfies your needs and, if not (which I suspect, otherwise why would you have written in to this site?), ask yourself how long you are prepared to settle for what crumbs of attention your boyfriend is prepared to throw your way when he has nothing better to do, i.e. play his games. He has made it plain he is not going to change so your only options are to put up with the situation as it is or acknowledge you deserve better and leave him to his games.
He is quite right in his statement that he can do what he wants. However, so too can YOU. If he prefers his games to a relationship, that is his right. It does not mean you have to put up with being put on a back burner and disrespected in this way.
Assigning a label to your boyfriend's behaviour is not going to solve anything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 September 2021):
 For many people online gaming isn't about addiction, it's escapism and entertainment. A chance to NOT sticking to the same old, same old. And it's often a source of social interactions.
Of course from YOUR viewpoint, it's pointless and useless. My guess is he doesn't feel it is.
True it doesn't do much to improve society OR your relationship, but who knows what HE gets out of it.
Could he be addicted? Sure. Not being able to sit still or relax isn't necessarily tied to gaming. Because you quite often HAVE to focus when gaming.
I would probably guess that more people have attention span issues due to social media than gaming. But I digress.
I absolutely agree with FA, if you are not fulfilled emotionally and in your relationship DUE to his gaming set some boundaries, ask for some "just us" dates and if he can't/will not do that for you and the relationship, then MAYBE he isn't the one for you.
We all have our limits. I would suggest that YOU find hobbies of your own and spend time with friends rather than sit and watch him gaming. Don't minimize your life.
If you live together there is a whole other set of issues with gaming/non-gaming people.
I also agree with FA that you CAN NOT change him. You can suggest solutions to your needs not being met, but in the end, either he WANTS to participate WITH you in the relationship OR he doesn't.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 September 2021):
 "Addiction is a treatable, chronic medical disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits, genetics, the environment, and an individual’s life experiences. People with addiction use substances or engage in behaviors that become compulsive and often continue despite harmful consequences."
it has to be more than annoying. There has to be actual harmful consequences and compulsive behavior. The harmful consequence can be you leaving him. Compulsive behavior means he keeps doing it even when he doesn't want to.
Now as to your second question "What do I do?" Well you define and enforce your boundaries. If you are not getting enough recreational companionship (doing things together) to meet your emotional needs, that is a reasonable boundary. You don't have to accept a boyfriend who can't meet your emotional needs. You can't force him to stop playing games. You can't force him to stop being ADHD. You probably will never succeed in changing him. Your practical methods to enforce your boundary are to leave him and find a more suitable partner.
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