A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupidMy husband of 3 years gets irritated at me at even minor things. I understand people fight or argue but in our relationship there is no arguing, he shouts at top of the lungs to leave him alone and shuts down. Will not talk to me for 2-3 days. With both of us working from home, it's taking its toll on me. How do u survive in a house without talking to each other. I cook and clean and work. He comes at lunch or dinner time to look for food. If I have cooked he eats else heats up some frozen food. He never shouted at me before marriage or even after, it started gradually and now it's getting too much. If I try to talk to him about it, he spins as it's all my fault for provoking him. Most common issue he has with me is "I repeat myself", I consciously try not to do, but I don't even I know I do that. He never physically hit me or anything , couple of times he threw stuff or punched a wall just because I try to tell him my side or ask why he is getting annoyed even for minor things. At the end I stopped talking when he starts shouting so he won't shout more. I work and have a career, but this is affecting me very much. How do I deal with him, please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, dreamcast +, writes (21 September 2021):
 This sounds less like a marriage and more like a hostage situation. He wants you around to cook, clean, and bring in a paycheck... but he doesn't want you to talk? He's keeping you as a silent prisoner in your own home, and still he has the audacity to blame you for his own rotten behaviour.
Is this what you signed up for when you said "I do"?
In any case, inappropriate displays of anger are a glaring warning sign. Even worse if those objects he destroyed belonged to you. He doesn't respect you or your property and, if you don't leave, one day he is going to hit YOU.
The unforntuate reality is that there is no way to "deal with" him. Your only options are to leave him or suffer his abuse.
It's good that you have a career and are not completely dependent on him. Hopefully you also have some friends, family, or coworkers that you might rely on.
I know it can be embarrassing to confide in others about the state of your relationship, but that momentary shame is much better than a life of abuse. If you are reaching out to other women for help, they will likely understand where you're coming from, having had their own horror stories.
If you decide to leave, my most important advice is to keep your plans to yourself. Absolutely do not tell him where you're going. Just disappear without a word. He seems like the type to get violent, and I would hate for him to keep you trapped even one second longer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2021): It seems one of the most common complaints we receive from married-women is overaggressive behavior and temper-tantrums they experience from their husbands. Sudden mood-swings, unexplained hostility, cursing, and foul threatening language. We were getting posts like yours long before anyone could blame covid-confinement. Regardless of what causes his outbursts, it's violent behavior and overreacting.
Does mental-illness run in his family? Has he ever been diagnosed for mental-disorder?
Smashing things and shouting at the top of your lungs is crazy! Sooner or later, you'll get hit by a flying-object; or his fist will miss the wall, and hit YOU!!! A temper out-of-control is dangerous! Verbal-abuse is also violence; and considered a form of assault.
There is no excuse, or justification for shouting, pounding and breaking things, throwing stuff, or the proverbial "silent treatment" for days. There is no rationalization whatsoever for this kind of behavior; I don't care how annoyed or irritated you feel. It's being out of control! It's meant to scare you out of your wits. You may need to call the police to diffuse the tension; and get that crazy jackass under control. If he becomes retaliatory or threatening for addressing his rage; that's when you definitely need the police involved. That's domestic-violence and abuse. He's exerting his physical-strength and using the pitch of his voice in a threatening manner!
Everybody looses their temper, and sometimes we all may go too far. It's often stress-related, sometimes attributed to an underlying health-issue that hasn't been diagnosed or treated; and that can make you unusually irritable. It's also indicative of drug and/or alcohol-abuse, or undetected schizophrenia. Most of the time, it's just downright nastiness; because he knows he's stronger than you. He feels the best way to get a point across is to scare the hell out of everybody around him, or to be a bully. When it becomes a trending pattern in his behavior; and the intensity of his angry-outbursts become progressively worse. When it's also expressed towards the children; then it's probably well past the time to do something about it. It should never have gone so far!!!
I don't care what the reason is, it has to stop! You are not to blame for provoking somebody to a level of smashing walls and breaking furniture. There's something seriously wrong with a man who is behaving in that way. He's becoming potentially dangerous, and he needs to see a doctor for a thorough medical and mental-health evaluation. Maybe he needs to spend a few hours in a jail cell to cool-off! What would be the more appropriate course of action; will depend on how often and how bad his behavior is. If it's persistent, and often amplified by alcohol; he may need to be removed from the home altogether.
What most of these guys will do is make you too scared to tell anyone; or dare you to contact the police. Be very concerned when he is behaving in this way. That is a sign he has gone over the edge; and he could do you harm. You have to tell somebody; and you need to alert your strongest male family-members that you feel intimidated, and sometimes scared of him. Most couples don't want anybody to know they're having marital-problems. Violence and abuse ARE NOT ordinary marital-problems!!! A good-man would not be hard to convince he needs to seek help. He wouldn't want to scare or hurt you. He wouldn't speak to you in the way you've described. If he can't help it, then he really needs a family-intervention; and you need to make sure you tell somebody for your own safety!
You shouldn't have to cower, walk on eggshells, or dance on pins and needles in your own house! If he dares you to do anything about it, that's taking it all to another level. You had better inform your brothers, uncles, dad, and every male on your side of the family; who can show-up at a moment's notice, to take you away from that situation. You need someone level-headed and strong enough to deescalate a volatile situation. He feels bold, because he doesn't feel physically-challenged by you.
When you call for male-support; do not instigate fights, or a faceoff, between the menfolk. Simply invite someone strong to come and get you. Let the police handle the situation, if he becomes combative; or challenges anyone to a fight. The fact he hits walls, is pretty indicative that he's not far from doing things of this sort.
Somebody needs to know. With the exception of any acts of violence, the police might be the last resort. Most of the time; neighbors hearing the commotion, will call the cops anyway. Unfortunately, when the police do show-up; women defend the guy, and pretend it's their fault. He might behave for a little while; but it's only temporary. Next-time, he'll be a lot worse; if there is no intervention of some sort. He'll purposely escalate the intensity of his rages to paralyze you with fear; so you won't call for help!
You seem too afraid of him to tell him he's out of line. You'll probably tiptoe around him when he's like that. You need to tell him that he's scaring you; and you will call for help, if he doesn't calm-down.
If he wants to go silent for a few days; leave him alone. Don't touch him. It's better than screaming at you, or breaking things! Don't confront a man in a rage! He's out of control. If you're scared, lock yourself in a room; and call the police, or a male-family member. You need family-support in these situations; because he's using your fear against you, and to make sure you're too intimidated to tell anybody.
He needs to get anger-management counseling; or you both need to go to marriage-counseling together. You may be annoying, but how can you know when he's in one of his foul moods? Why should you even have to worry about it?
If you can't reason with him; then you have to pack some things, and go stay with someone in your family. You'll need to get yourself some counseling for PTSD; so you can gather the courage to decide if or when it is time to leave him. He'll threaten you not to take action; so that's another reason you have to remove yourself from the situation, in order to talk to someone and seek professional advice..
If you're not estranged from your own family (which is so often the case); maybe you can get their moral-support and seek temporary shelter. I have the suspicion that the police are going to be the only remedy to the domestic-abuse; and he'll eventually need to seek some form of psychiatric-care. He seems to be on the brink of a mental-breakdown. Drastic-changes in behavior are almost always because of mental-illness.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2021):
 You seem to have a husband who lacks self-control and empathy.
Sure, he hasn't hit YOU yet, but it might come to that. Going from punching a wall to hitting you is not as far of a stretch as you may think.
He puts ALL the blame on you. Basically, he wants you the be the maid and cook and otherwise leave him alone and shut up.
IS that marriage and future you see for yourself? How is this a marriage?
I'd say get your ducks in a row and get out of there. Leave him to his anger and frozen dinners.
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