A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do you think that if your partner has an online account (Snapchat) you did not know about (but found out about) where he "harmlessly" chats/flirts with women (often younger!!) whenever he feels like it is cheating? He never meets them in person. It is a strictly an online fantasy. It is like adding a little spice/fun to an otherwise ordinary life. He says it is meaningless and it is like playing games online or other pastimes. He says it is unimportant and just a little escape. That I am still the one he loves and wants to be with. Well, I am not sure why this would be considered acceptable? I don't do that to him. I do not think it is right or meaningless. And I would like to know everybody's views on this. Why do people think it is okay to have online dalliances? Because they are not meeting people in real life? Because it being online means they can indulge and that it is harmless? Really? Can anyone shed some light on this for me? Thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 September 2021):
 I asked myself whether anyone I know would be comfortable with their partners behaving in this way and came up with only one answer: those who were not emotionally invested in their relationship. People who are only living together for convenience, no longer have deep feelings for one another but it is more comfortable to just stay put than end the relationship and move on.
Ultimately, it is meaningless what OTHERS feel about this. They are not the ones in a marriage with your husband. What matters is how YOU feel about this and whether your husband is prepared to put your feelings above his "meaningless games".
It if is all so harmless, I wonder why he felt the need to keep it secret from you? I would suggest because he knew you would not be comfortable with it, because it would not be "meaningless" to you. You would think that, now that you have found out, he would offer to close his account and desist from this behaviour. But no, his "unimportant" online flirting is more important to him than his marriage. That should tell you all you need to know about your husband.
My other concern would be whether the women with whom he is flirting know it is just a game to him. If they do and treat it all the same as he does, then that's fine. I suspect, however, that some (if not all) will NOT know that he is just "playing" without any serious intent. In this way he is not only hurting his wife but also the women with whose feelings he is messing. That does not make him a very nice man in my book.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2021): I would not find it meaningless at all. It MEANS that he is sneaky, flirting with other women behind your back. Whether he intends to meet them or not is completely beside the point.
YOU had to find it. HE didn't tell you about it. That screams that he KNOWS it is wrong and that you wouldn't be happy about it. Therefore he kept it from you. His horrible little secret about chatting to other women about.....?? My guess is that has sexual content. Innuendo. Other shit like that. And he does it in secret and then tells you not to stress about it when you find him out?? The cheek!
Of course it's not ok!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 September 2021):
 Do I think it's meaningless?
Well, yes. Because HE has no (supposedly) intentions of making the flirtations and "online relationships" a reality.
That being said, I don't want to allude to that it's OK. Ever. HE is playing with other people's feelings. It's NOTHING like playing online games - what a load of bullshit.
While HE might not give two F's about the other person he is flirting with and emotionally cheating on YOU with, that other person is a WHOLE human being with feelings.
And he just doesn't care. He doesn't care about YOUR feelings either. This is him totally GASLIGHTING you. Minimizing HIS actions and making them out to be meaningless. Well, if it's so meaningless WHY is he doing it?
Yeah?!
He is doing this because he CAN. And he wants to.
Doesn't matter if anyone else gets their feelings hurt.
That is the kind of man you are with. Women are just ENTERTAINMENT to him. To SERVE his "whatever needs".
He is trying to convince you that it's OH SO HARMLESS, so he can have you stay with him and serve in the role of wife.
"Well, I am not sure why this would be considered acceptable?"
Who said it was acceptable?
And who says YOU can not have your own ideas of what is acceptable and what is not?
What it comes down to is this, IS this a dealbreaker for you? Or not?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2021): He's your husband. Doesn't it matter how you feel about it? You've indicated you wouldn't do it, and apparently you don't like the idea. If you are adamant about sticking to your vows, and not seeking attention from other people online; then stand-up for yourself, and tell him straight-up. You don't like it; and would prefer that he wouldn't flirt with other women, regardless of the means of contact. Devices are tools of communication, and they are also used to make hookups.
Why would you need to come to an advice site to ask other people? It's your marriage!!!
I think it's playing with fire, and an unnecessary temptation. Nowadays, people like to exchange pics, and face-time. One thing leads to another, and the usual excuse is "it didn't mean anything"...or..."I don't know what came over me!" Of course, this is all after the fact; and once things got out of hand.
If you both took vows, and meant them. If you consider your marriage closed to the public; then tell him exactly how you feel.
Depending on how it affects you emotionally, let him know if it offends you that he could be so cavalier, and nonchalant about your feelings.
I can't see how flirting online with other people improves your marriage. It appears one of you fails to reap the benefits.
In my opinion, if it was hidden and wasn't discussed before it was discovered; it isn't innocent fun. Setting-up rendezvous with these women is the next step. Doesn't seem like a healthy or sensible activity for a married-man. Why doesn't he take-up golf, or just be more creative with you in the bedroom? Get a hobby that doesn't include random females behind your back.
How long are these frisky ladies going to just be "teased," before they throw down the gauntlet and challenge him to put-up or shut-up? Think he'll always turn-down the opportunity?
The question still remains. Why on earth would a married-man being doing it in the first-place??? I don't think I could find one solitary married-woman I know who'd put-up with it!
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