A
female
age
41-50,
*ilysgarden
writes:In short, I've been with my boyfriend for just over five years now. We were due to get married at the end of march this year, but I called off the wedding because it didn't feel right and he banned my brother from the wedding. My family don't particularly like him but my parents are polite to him for my sake. My brother doesn't talk to either of us anymore because of the wedding thing.Like all relationship's, we've had our ups and downs, but now I feel unloved, unappreciated, and like I'd rather walk away from it. We hardly talk, he'd rather look at internet porn than have sex with me, and he always seems to be putting me down in some way. He moans if he doesn't think I've done the cleaning properly and is always in a foul mood. We never do anything fun, he doesn't want to travel or have kids, hates going clubbing etc.When I recently told him I am due to be an aunt again(I think I must be the world's proudest and most dedicated aunt!!!) his response was 'bully for them'! Not really the response I hoped for. When I told him my best mate is pregnant and about to be homeless, he said 'for God's sake don't invite her to stay with us'! All he seems to care about is himself. Do I stay? Or is this evidence of him being an asshole and taking advantage of me, like my brother predicted? I guess the hard part is the fact that I do care about him and don't want to hurt him.But I'm tired of feeling like I'm walked all over!
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female
reader, lilysgarden +, writes (16 June 2009):
lilysgarden is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi guys, thanks very much for the responses, they are much appreciated. It's weird because I'm a children and families social worker, so I work with alot of families where there's domestic violence or abuse and I give them all the same advice as you guys are offering.
But sadly it doesn't make it any easier to do what needs doing. I know he has faults and I know I can't make excuses for them, but I also realise I have my faults too. And on top of all the crap parts of our relationship, there are bits that are or have been fantastic. He's been amazingly supportive throughout my studies which began soon after we got together and I doubt I could have done it without him. He boosted my confidence and self esteem when it was at an all time low. And when my youngest niece was diagnosed with Leukaemia and I started falling apart, he was my rock. He talked to my tutors at uni so they didn't fail me on assignments that were late and talked me through it when I spent all my time crying and cussing every god and deity under the sun!
Yet in the same breath, he can be selfish, childish and abusive without so much as opening his mouth. As pathetic as it sounds, I love him and really don't want to hurt him. And I worry he'll do something stupid like quit his training as a college lecturer if I leave. To make it worse, we live together, so I worry that he will use that as an excuse to drop out of uni. I know I shouldn't make excuses to stay, I know I should put myself first, and I know I'm worth a damn sight more than to allow myself to be a victim of his abusive behaviour. But I hate being the bad guy. How the hell do I tell him it's over without giving in to him? Every time we argued in the past, he turns on the water works. As a result, I end up giving in and taking the blame. How the hell does anyone find the courage to see through their decisions?
A
female
reader, KIMBERLIE +, writes (14 June 2009):
 dear lilysgarden, you have basically got to sum up the pros and cons of this relationship,and whether its worth risking losing your friends and family for. sounds to me like this guy only cares about number one and is not there for you emotionally or physically, so what are you actually getting from this relationship? you come across as the kind of person that would love to have children of your own,which he is too selfish to give you, and the constant put downs are a sign of emotional abuse and control.if he dosent like the way you clean then he should get off his backside and do it himself.believe me, there are plenty of other guys out there who could give you the respect and also the physical and emotional side of things which i feel you crave the most,but i feel he has worn you down to the point where you just feel so unattractive and worthless and you are maybe afraid to leave him because you feel you may not be able to get anyone else, but thats exactly what he wants you to think.my advice is be strong and walk away from this bully,find yourself the kind of man which you crave and deserve,and dont give a second thought to his feelings,as he hasent exactly considered yours throughout your relationship.good luck.
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A
female
reader, imcurioustoo  +, writes (13 June 2009):
Kick him to the curb .. Show him he you can survive without him .. Your a big girl and can take care of yourself and don't need a man to complete you.. My mothers divorced and happy so ..
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