A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend says our sex life is boring for him. We have been together for less than a year and he is my first boyfriend. He says he is bored with what we do. He wants anal, bondage, toys, and other stuff, I don't even know... The thing is I don't want them. And wehn I tell him that, he say that, in this case he doesn't even want sex at all. I don't know what does he expect from me. I get it, he had relationships before, he got bored with the simple stuff, but I just got used for having sex, I don't have any experience, I even had my first kiss with him. I feel bad about those new things he wants, and I feel okay with what we are doing now. How should I tell him to understand me? Sorry for my language, I don't speak English well.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 If he is bored of your sexual life, then he needs to find a new partner who's into the stuff he likes, NOT of pressuring you and shaming you into doing sexual things that go against your grain.
While there's nothing wrong in doing kinky stuff if one is so inclined, - on the other hand there's absolutely nothing wrong in " vanilla " sex and in not being particularly " alternative " in bed. If you know what you like, and what you like is sticking to the basics, this does not make you boring, bland, or frigid, it just makes you incompatible with partners with capricious sexual appetites.
It's a bit like ( bizarre exmple, but fitting ) .. pasta. Now, pasta may come with hundreds of sauces , and some people want to sample them all: pesto, carbonara, Alfredo, bolognese, marinara,pittanesca etc.etc. In fact, you can even think up your own sauce !, no law against making a spaghetti sauce made with , say, dark chocolate, bell peppers and caviar - if you have the stomach for it.
Then again, there are tons of people who like to keep it simple and will eat pasta with a simple tomato sauce, literally day in day out. Is it boring ? No it isn't- a good tomato sauce, made with quality ingredients, prepared with care, and served with love, is always good and fulfilling . It may be the same every day, but it is a "same" that always leaves you nourished , content and gratified, and you can't wait for... more of the same the day after.
So, if you are a plain tomato sauce type.... don't change your tastes, if any change the restaurant you patronize if they don't serve you what you like and want instead to impose on you THEIR idea of what's good cooking .
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016): "How should I tell him to understand me?"
You can't.
He already understands that you don't want the same things as him, and he doesn't care.
He's a selfish, contemptible, controlling, manipulative bully trying to impose his will on you. If you give in to him then it will only get worse. If you don't give him then it will still get worse.
He's a pig and he's not going to change. Dump him. And when he whines and cries and begs and pleads and promises you anything if you'll take him back, it will all be an act so don't believe him.
Men can't disrespect women who respect themselves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advices. I will try to talk this trough with him one more time and if it doesn't work... well, I guess that's it, then I can't really do anything else. Thank you! :)
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 He's your first boyfriend and I understand you want to please him. HOWEVER, it will have a detrimental effect on your mental (and possibly physical) health if you allow him to do things to you that you do not desire. (Note the use of the word "to" not "with" because he does not sound at all bothered about what YOU want.)
I know it is particularly hard to let go of a first boyfriend but he is a manipulative abuser and will only get worse if you stay with him.
You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, Garbo  +, writes (13 December 2016):
 Never do sex that you aren't comfortable with. If you don't want to do it, be sure you don't and tell him that clearly... and do not worry about that you hurt his feelings or what have you. Sex is for mutual enjoyment, and if he does not accept that then perhaps he is a wrong boyfriend. Don't allow yourself to be bullied into performing sex acts you don't want to, nor are you obligated to provide a reason why you don't want to. Sex is an idiosyncratic thing which is a personal preference that does not require a reason for it. A loving boyfriend respects your decision and if he can't respect it then be prepared to let him go by telling him to find another woman.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 December 2016):
 Most people don't want those things, so he needs to deliberately find someone who does - not bully you into it. I know you like him, but he's trying to force you into it, which is never okay and could end up becoming aggressive. Please leave him - he doesn't care what you want.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 December 2016):
 OP you have told him you don't want those things.
He does not want to listen.
He wants to bully you into submitting to his wishes.
NOTHING you say will change that.
I fear this will not turn out well and you need to start planning an exit from the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): You've picked the wrong boyfriend for you. You don't have to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. If he isn't patient, or too pushy about what he wants, it's not really you he cares about.
He's your first boyfriend. You didn't mention his age, but I suspect he is older than you. He knows far too many things to just be some adolescent boy. Either that, or he spends a great deal of his time on porn sites learning things he wants to try. It's good to experiment and try new things, but your partner has to be ready and willing. You're too inexperienced for some of the things he's asking, and to call you boring is mean. That is to force you to submit through guilt or to gain his approval.
It's difficult advising young women with first boyfriends; because they tend to ask, but not really listen to the advice they are given. They want far too much to please their boyfriend; and they don't have the strength to let go of a boy that they think they're in love with. No matter what price they are paying to keep him.
Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for the both of you. If he asks you to do something that's too painful, graphic, or too sexually-explicit for your inexperienced mind to handle, it will have a traumatic affect on you. Even worse, if you flat-out refuse to, but he insists. My fear is if you don't submit, he may force you to. Many young men even use date-rape drugs these days to do things to young women while they are incapable of refusing.
You set the boundaries for your body. You only consent to sexual-activities you find pleasurable for yourself. You don't have to do over-the-top sexual-acts you find disgusting or perverted, just because your boyfriend thinks you're a prude. He might be twisted, or just a guy far too experienced for you. It's always best to start-off simple and try new things as you go. Once you have built more trust, become more sexually-experienced; and most importantly, because you want to.
As others have said, and I agree, he is too much for you; and you might have to let him go. He will threaten to leave you to test you, and he will manipulate your feelings. If you can't set your boundaries and limit actions against your values; boys like that will tell their friends everything about you to to soil your reputation. You're far too young and vulnerable to endure that just yet.
You are becoming a woman, and you will now have to think and do the things adults must do to preserve your dignity, maintain your power over your mind and body, and to be a sensible and strong female. Date only boys who honor you as a woman, respect you as a person, and will be patient with you under all circumstances. If this doesn't describe the boy you have, then let him go.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 December 2016):
 You guys aren't sexually compatible. It's not okay to guilt trip a partner into sexual acts they don't want to perform.
As honeypie said, let him to to find someone who's into the sane things as he us.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2016):
 Dear OP,
Your BF is trying to coerce and manipulate you into doing whatever HE wants, that is why he calls it boring and then doesn't want sex at all with you if you don't do what HE wants.
You two have very dissimilar taste in sex and experience, which means you are not very compatible as sexual partners. Not having little experience doesn't mean HE knows BETTER or HE should take the lead.
You have been together for less than a year and he is telling you he is bored.
Let him go. Let him go find a girl who wants what he wants. The fact that it took him a WHOLE year to bring up the various kinks he wants to do is like false advertising. He was SURELY fine with the sex you two have had for almost a year, but now? He flipped the switch because he HOPES that you will do ANYTHING to please him so you can continue dating.
It's OK to try new things if those are things you find intriguing or exciting and it's OK to NOT want to try certain things sexually because you don't like the idea of them.
He understands you perfectly, he JUST doesn't CARE that you are not interested. He wants what he wants. How you feel and what you think and want are irrelevant to him. He thinks YOU should "just" change your mind. And that is not how relationships work. He doesn't even seem to grasp that sex in a relationship is about TWO people's pleasure, not just HIS.
I think you two have come to the end if the road. I would wish him well and walk away.
You need to find someone who can RESPECT that you have boundaries and limits - and that feels the same way as you or closer to your taste.
Bye bye Soon to be Ex-BF.
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