A
male
age
26-29,
*CVD
writes:Hi, sorry for my bad english in advance.I’m with my girlfriend since 6 month, we know each other since we are in middle school. After that she go in another school and in an other high school in the same town.We are now both 20 years old, we started to speak together after all these years via facebook and we date some days after, she told me that she had 1 boyfriend during her last year of high school and it lasted 6 month, she lost her virginity with him and i appreciate a lot her honesty. I told her that I lost mine with a girl during a party and that i never have a “real girlfriend”, we never speak about this again.Now we love each other a lot, we also started to speak about to get married and have children, I see all my futur with her and for no reason i can break up, that’s the same for her.At first the fact that she was no more virgin didn’t bother me at all ( I do not care if a girl is a virgin or non virgin ).But the problem is that 3 month after we started this relationship i really fell in love with her and started thinking about her doing her first time with her ex boyfriend and a lot of more bad things. I was thinking that it’ll go outside my head with time ( i tried to no give matter to it ), but the fact is that the days passed and i was thinking more and more about it, i kept everything for me after 1 month of struggle i’ve decided to tell her what was going on.I told her that i was thinking about all this shit and that it was bothered me since 1 month and asked here some questions about her ex relation ( i don’t know why i just wanted to know ).She answered me that she regret to have done her first time and to have be with him and that she is very sad about it, she didn’t know why she did this ( I think it’s because like a lot of people now she wanted to lose her virginity as soon as possible,specially at 20 years old and i understand this ).It was during her last year in high school and he was in her class, she told me this is the thing that she regret the most in her life and if she could go back in times she would only change this, she told me that she was just attached to him and that she saw him only during class, that she slept only around 10 times with him and after 6 month he left her she said that she didn’t think about him one time since she is with me, that he is an asshole and that she have forgot him with no difficulty ( I’m aware that i’m young, that it’s all my problem and that it’s all in my mind, and certainly not her problem ).She said that she discovered the real love with me and that she love me more than everythings.After this conversation i didn’t speak again about it with her because i don’t want, some days after, i spoke with her mom about this ( i know her since 10 years ) and she told me that my girlfriend wanted to see me and date me for years and that she was speaking about me everytimes, that i was in her mind everytime and that she never thought being with me one day.The last thing i regret the most is that i come 6 months to late because she wouldn’t met this guy.( and i know that 100% of people in this world regret things in their life and that everybody would preserve himself/herself for the love of their life ).I’m aware that there are a lot of worst thing in this world and i do my best everydays to get over it but i can’t and it’s hurting me everytime i think about it, and trust me i think a lot about this. I feel like i’m blocked because i can’t leave her she is the love of my life but i can’t go back in time to change that, the only thing i can do is to accept it but i don’t even know if it’s possible.Is there any people who had nearly the same problem ? How can i work on myself to accept this and stop hurting me with these thoughts ?Thank to everybody who have read this and who try to help me and sorry again for this bad english.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (15 December 2016):
 Think of it this way, if you keep this attitude up you're going to sabotage your own relationship. There's only so much of this your gf will be able to take before she's had enough.
How can she help sleeping with someone before you met her? Get a grip man.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2016): Perhaps you need a little time to become more mature and to see the real world as it is. Everyone has a past, and pasts can't be done-over or deleted like it never happened. You're very young; and you're just getting to know your feelings about women, and how to handle them.
You are definitely too young to be talking about marriage and children; if you don't have a true grasp on the reality of a modern world, and don't have a grip on your jealousy.
The problem is, many men with the problem of retro-jealousy become very cruel and obsessed. No woman deserves men like that. Children don't deserve a father who feels that way towards their mother.
Everyone gets jealous, for different reasons and to different degrees. Jealousy that can't be controlled requires professional-counseling; and it is unfair to reel someone in thinking everything is alright, then to suddenly change on her into some hypocritical judgmental demon. After her feelings have attached to you, and she is thinking you love and respect her.
If it is so bad that you are not sure you can handle it, it would be best that she find someone else. You say you don't mind whether a girl is a virgin or not. Your whole post contradicts that.
If you want to keep her, and if you care so deeply ( I doubt that it is love at this point); then you want to be sure you make her as happy as she will make you. She deserves a man, not a jealous-boy who can't man-up and handle his feelings and emotions like a man.
Being a man is hard. Being a good man is even harder. It takes real character and maturity to put petty feelings aside; and to allow real strength come through. You must gain her trust, treat her as you want any man to treat your mother or your sister. Look at her as another person; not acts she had with someone else long before she ever knew who the hell you are.
Was she supposed sit around waiting for you to show-up?
It's time all cultures change their double-standards about women; and you are of a new generation who should be a major part of the movement to do this. If you have sisters and cousins; think about how you want men to think of them, and the way you want them to be treated by men.
If you can't do this for her, you're not ready for her or any girlfriend. Look at her for who she is. A good person willing to care for you. Giving-up all other guys just to be with you. Also excusing the fact you have been with another girl, and you're no virgin.
If you're too insecure now; then wait until your jealousy calms down before asking her, or any girl, to be your girlfriend. Most men with retro-jealously issues don't handle it just hearing good advice. It might take a lot more than our words to change a possibly deep-seated emotional disorder. I hope that isn't the case for you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 December 2016):
 You know you are being totally irrational and unreasonable. Your girlfriend didn't cheat on you with this guy. You were not in a relationship when she lost her virginity to him. It sounds like she appreciates you all the more for having been in a relationship with him. She had no way of knowing you two would get together, even though you were the one she wanted.
If you carry on thinking about this, it will eat away at you and ruin the relationship you have with your girlfriend. Whenever these thoughts creep up on you, replace them with thoughts of something nice that has happened with your girlfriend.
You cannot change the past. However, you can change how it affects you if you really want to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016): I dont think you love your girlfriend!
I think you are trying to convince us that you do based on the amount of time you have known her.
But this means nothing because you were not connected.
I think you probably saw a prostitute for your first girlfriend and now you are angry that she had a relationship so you think you have the right to imagine how their intimacy was.
I am not sure that you should be with this girl because you have too much inner turmoil!
You are too young and foolish to make a good dad so i suggest you stop all sexual contact and focus on yourself instead.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016): Nothing wrong with the English but the thinking is bad!
Yes, you are screwing up big time.
You get the most beautiful rose on the planet but you have to find fault!
What is your problem man?
Dont you know its christmas?
Did you never hear the story of Jesus Christ?
As you know he got crucified by jealous spiteful people who hated him because he was different!
And other stuff as well but too long to go into details!
Who was Christs mum?
If you check it out on the family tree Mary was not married to hubby Joseph when she discovered she was pregnant!
Did Joseph go ape shit ballistic and torture himself with sour thoughts?
No, he did not!
He promised to be there for Mary and the baby and to look after her and the little one and thats what he did!
But you are moaning on that once long ago a girl met a boy and she wasnt a virgin by the time you got your sad ass round to dating her!
Oh but nor were you!
Instead of seeing the good you are looking for the bad.
YOU need to grow up and move your thoughts on a bit because you are lacking soul or else you are just insecure and lacking confidence , or finally you want to be a bully and pick on her.
Pick on yourself because your left toe is ugly and stop being cruel in your thoughts to your girlfriend and yourself!
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