A
female
age
30-35,
*ollowtheblackrabbit
writes:Hello Everyone!Just wanted some insight on this situation. Last night, my boyfriend and I had friends over (my friend and his girlfriend) to watch the Game of Thrones season finale. I cooked a lot more than my boyfriend thought I should have but I was excited cause I've never had a get-together and rarely ever get time to spend with friends. My mother's flight was late so I had to rush out for 20 minutes to get her (thank goodness I was close to the airport). I apologized to my guests and we watched the last 10 minutes of the episode. Immediately after the credits, they left. My boyfriend was very angry that they did not offer to clean and didn't stay at least another 15 minutes or so. I figured that maybe they needed to get some sleep for work etc but my boyfriend felt like they took advantage, came over just to eat and that I should never exert myself like that. We've had minor arguments because he believes that I am too nice and do too much for people who could care less. It bothered me to see how upset he was and as a result I am thinking about it too much.Any thoughts? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2017): The important thing is you addressed it. You confronted him directly about his viewpoint; and gave him an opportunity to defend his position. He decided he'd rather not discuss it. Therefore; if he doesn't want to talk about it, keep his opinions to himself. Do as you please. You're a grown-woman and don't need him to tell you what to do.
If he barks, remind him you tried to talk about it. So hush! They're your friends; but you do appreciate his concerns. Let you judge when they're out of line.
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female
reader, followtheblackrabbit +, writes (30 August 2017):
followtheblackrabbit is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello all!
Anonymous_123: I don't think he has any trouble with this friend. In fact, he's said a few times that he wishes some of friends were like mine. If he does feel something negative, I guess he simply hasn't told me.
HoneyPie: No, my BF did not help. I did it all on my own (including the prep work and cleaning). They didn't a mess at all, there were just dirty dishes of course. But I didn't mind, my mom would disown me if I ever asked a guest to clean up in any case :) I like for people to feel comfortable!
CindyCares: I wonder if it is maybe jealousy lol That has not occurred to me before but I was so excited, I wonder if he didn't feel jealous of the preparations.
WiseOWl: Always enjoy your viewpoints :) My boyfriend has a similar ideal that people will sooner take than give and I admit that I've been guilty of over-giving and yes, his overprotective self might have gone into play here. I tried to talk to him the day after especially after reading all the advice, but he kind of shut down and just repeated that he didn't like how they acted. I asked him if he didn't feel comfortable having them over and he said that this was not it and changed topics.
I thought back to different times we've disagreed about this exact topic and as some other aunts/uncles implied, maybe it is also a touch of jealousy? Cultural differences? When I left to pick up my mom, he asked why she didn't just take an Uber and though I understand where he was coming from, that slightly upset me because she is my mother and I always feel the need to do things myself when it comes to my family...Sending a stranger to pick her up after she had an already stressful day felt very selfish/cold in my eyes.
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 August 2017):
 I am like you as well and I go to lots off effort when we have guests over, only we have the opposite problem they never know when to leave haha. Honestly I don't see why it seems ungrateful just because they left after the show, did they thank you for the food? It could be when you where away your boyfriend made them feel awkward and maybe he doesn't like this male friend. I know my husband always says to me I don't need to cook for people but the thing is I like to and I can so that is what I will do I don't do it to expect it back, its just me being generous, be happy that you provided food, it was a good thing not a bad thing!
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 August 2017):
 Simple question, does your boyfriend have a problem with this male friend?
His over-reacting is caused by something more than just concern for you exerting yourself. The fact that he thinks that you've gone out of your way to cook for him shows that he didn't like you showing that amount of care and concern for this friend. I think there's jealousy lurking around somewhere and that's come across as anger directed at this guy and his partner
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 August 2017):
 My thought is that he should mind his own business. Tell him so. It's not his place to tell you what you should and shouldn't do for friends, or who you choose to keep as friends, or what you feel is acceptable or not for YOUR GUESTS (not his!) to do when YOU invite them. This has to do with his respect for you, believe it or not. Him telling you your friends aren't good enough or yadda yadda, is a sign of his lack of respect for you and your ability to think for yourself. It's one thing to say: "Darling, I think you are a very sweet and kind friends, and perhaps it's not necessary to go overboard because I think your friends would have been more than happy with something simpler" OR HE COULD HAVE OFFERED TO CLEAN UP HIMSELF, if he hated so much to see you do all the work. I mean come on. He acts as if it was HIM that cooked and cleaned, and not you. What right does he have to be mad on your behalf when you haven't requested him to, nor are you mad yourself?
Your boyfriend needs to be told point blank that HIS behavior is unacceptable. You are an adult woman, capable of making your own decisions, and when you choose to cook and clean, and when you choose to invite friends over, that is your right to do so. And if you feel you are being taken advantage of, then you will handle it on your own terms. And if you don't feel there is anything to be upset about, then he needs to RESPECT this.
As for your friends, that totally depends on your friendship and relation to them. I'm like your friend, I don't clean up after dinner or whatever if I've been invited. Likewise, I don't expect guests to clean up when they are my guests either. And if you need them to chip in for the expenses for food, then that is something that should ALWAYS be in the clear from the very beginning, and not after the food has already been made. So in my honest opinion, I don't think your friends did anything wrong. In fact I think it was nice of them to not overstay their welcome by lingering around afterwards. Personally, I don't like it when guests overstay. If they were invited for the show and the show is over, then I think it's fine and good if they leave. Unless I invite them to stay longer (in which case I still would not expect them to help me clean).
I would just tell your boyfriend in simple terms: my guests, my rules. My house, my rules. My invitation, my decision. If he has guests over that HE cooks for and then feels taken advantage of, then HE gets to be mad about it and throw a fit. But when they are your guests, it's not in his place.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 August 2017):
 I can't see what your bf is bitching about, but maybe I'm biased . Cultural divide. In my country, when you host, you host. Guests are not expected, or encouraged , to lift a finger. They °might° venture a " Shall we give you a hand... ? " ( if they are really close friends and the occasion is 100% informal ), suggestion which is promptly , firmly, and authomatically repelled.
I am not saying this is how it should mandatorily be- just that to me it sounds quite bizarre to invite people and then have them do the dishes.
This may not be so " noblesse oblige " as it sounds , honestly , it's also that one does not want people who are not close family roaming around the house and touching stuff , opening drawers, maybe even breaking your best china. I still remember in shock :) the time that, in New York, I gave a birthday party for my son, who was in 3rd or 4th grade, and when , at the end, I was seeing everybody to the door ( and already savouring the moment that I could have back my place to myself, take my shoes off, change into
something comfortable etc. ) a DAD called out " Hey guys, where you going ? There's work to be done here ! " - and procedeed, helped by some other parents, to... turn my house upside down, ignoring my frantical reassurances that it wasn't necessary and I was going to take care of everything myself. One of them even grabbed a hoover out of my closet and started hoovering the hallway- I stopped him seconds before he could kill my " good " rug, an antique one that mustn't be hoovered with the normal attachements.
Maybe in Australia it's different, and it's normal for people to stay and clean up ( although, I can't think it's an obligation- otherwise people with many friends would start turning down invitations, not to end up exhausted by too much housework :). But , if I have to give my personal answer , is: no, it's fine if they do not help. When you invite people, it's not just to give them food or drinks, but also for giving them a good experience , in a pleasant, relaxed, companionable atmosphere.
As for leaving right after the show, well, maybe it would not have killed them to stay 15 more minutes, and your bf may have a point in that - but I don't see it as a particularly rude thing, it's not as they left the moment they finished eating. They said they were coming to watch the TV show with you, and they did. Maybe it was getting late, maybe they were tired after their workday, maybe they had stuff they needed to do at home before going to bed , or, like another poster says, maybe they wanted to give you some space so that you could enjoy your mom. Or, they thought YOU needed some peace and quiet after slaving for them in the kitchen ! So, no I think it is ingenerous and narrow minded to assume that they left because they only wanted to bum a free meal.
Why your bf had this peculiar reaction, it's a bit mysterious, I don't know. I can offer my guess that maybe he was a bit jealous : if you entertain so rarely, I suppose he is used to have all your attention for himself and not to " share " you with company. Maybe it pissed him off seeing that you were excited about other people and not just about him, or seeing you hustling and bustling and " exerting " yourself more for other people than what you normally do for him. All this would be sort of petty and childish, but... jealousy is a common human emotion. And possessiveness too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): Sweetheart, I was taught that there is no such thing as over-generosity; if you do it from the heart, you don't care what you get in return.
What you did was out of love and kindness; so you weren't making a business-transaction or parlaying an exchange with your friends.
Sometimes our boyfriends are too protective of us; and try to school us on what they sometimes incorrectly misinterpret as a weakness. Only because they handle friendship in a different way, or set different standards. I sometimes cook too much on purpose. I will bring it to work and share with co-workers. I will offer some to my neighbors. I guess to some folks, that's too nice. It makes me feel good, and I don't care if I don't get it back. My boyfriend says people are willing to take, and slow to give. Yet he is very caring and generous and doesn't think twice about giving a homeless person a $20 bill, or dropping a huge tip on the table.
I do what my heart tells me to do, when it comes to kindness. So should you!
I do agree with your boyfriend that they should have shown you more courtesy and sat for a visit. They could have offered to help with cleanup; only because it's the polite thing to do. Manners and etiquette are outdated-concepts these days; but I just think they lack manners, I don't think they took advantage intentionally.
People shouldn't be obligated to do anything when you've offered them hospitality and shared a meal. People with class and good manners usually do treat their hosts with gratitude and don't behave like their presence or attendance was a big favor.
If you have to teach them manners, chalk it up to how you choose your friends. You don't remake them after the fact. You could have just as easily asked for help to cleanup.
Don't let it upset you. You have friends with poor manners; and an overprotective boyfriend. Suggest he let you worry about it; and if he feels they should help cleanup, say something to them. Don't bark at you.
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reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 August 2017):
 Maybe they left because they felt the animosity from your BF? Sounds like he really doesn't like your friend (or like that you HAVE friends).
As for whether they should stay to clean, I say no. If they were INVITED guests there is NO obligation on their end to stay and clean. Now among MY generation there would have been offers to help do dishes and pick up, and the host/hostess would "graciously" decline.
Did your Bf help? Is that why he is bitching?
YOU planned a dinner/get-together with YOUR friends, you made a HUGE fuss out of hosting it and I think he is jealous that you: 1. got excited to have them all come over and 2. how much you DID for them to have an enjoyable evening at your place.
Now if you threw a LOT of parties/get-togethers or THEY (your friends) suggested that YOU always host them (so they don't have to cook/clean up) then I would agree with him - but this was the FIRST time you have hosted a get-together. So no, I don't think they took advantage of you.
They might also have left because they wanted to give you some space & time with your mom who had just flown in.
I think your BF is being a pissbaby. Sorry. And I'm wondering what his deal is. Why he is REALLY upset - because unless he has OCD and the house was in shambles after these TWO people came over I don't see the reason for his overreaction AT ALL.
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reader, judgedick  +, writes (28 August 2017):
 I think your BF might be over the top here if you were happy I can't see the problem
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2017): There could have been very innocent reasons why they left. Maybe like you said they was up early, maybe they had had an argument and were keeping a front so not to let you down, maybe they was tired. I guess the question is did the evening seem okay and not awkward at all while they were there??
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reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (28 August 2017):
We don't know why your friends left but there are plenty of reasons other than them not liking your company or being rude (did they mention why they left?).
It would be nice had they stayed to help clean up but they are not obligated to do so. In any case, it is worrying that your boyfriend got "very angry" over this situation. It makes one wonder what height his emotions will go if someone does something really rude.
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