A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend says he likes me A LOT. we've been close friends almost 2 years. I love him, but the fact that he still has feelings for his best friend (ex girlfriend) bugs the hell out of me. I know that he's in love with her and he admitted that he will always have feelings for her.What do I do? Do I continue being with him?He says that his feeling for her are usually in the back of his mind, but the fact that he would go through hell for her bugs me I feel like no matter what he will ALWAYS choose her over me even though he says he cares about me and such.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 June 2010):
Yep, you' will always be number 2. He's even more or less admitted to it. You have a choice. You can either be second best for however long he is with you, or you cam dump him and find a real man. Don't be second best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Wow, that sounds unbelievably tough for you. What a horrible situation: you must be in constant pain and anxiety about this. It speaks volumes about your strength as a person that you can write about this with such calm sadness - so many people in your position would be raging!!
I think you need to sit your boyfriend down and have a completely open discussion about this. A major question is this: when he says he has feelings for his ex, what exactly does he mean? He may simply mean that he feels brotherly towards her, and wants to protect her. While that is still a problem for you both, and is something that needs to be carefully managed, it's not necessarily a dealbreaker. With time, and a bit of compromise on both sides (him letting go a little and creating more distance in the relationship, you wrestling with your very natural anxieties), it's possible that you might reach a situation where you can all coexist as a kind of 'family'. After all, breaking up in a civilized fashion that allows friendships to remain is one great invention of modern society.
However, if those 'feelings' are essentially romantic - if he thinks she's 'the one', or if he misses her as a partner, then I'm afraid this is not such a promising situation. You shouldn't have to deal with feeling second best all the time, and you shouldn't have to feel like you're constantly being compared to someone else either. One of the fantastic things about a relationship is that knowledge that you and your partner are everything to each other - and that there's no-one standing between you. You deserve that from someone, and you shouldn't be seen as a second-rate substitute!
The other thing to remember is that sometimes people can be quite confused emotionally and need time to sort out their feelings. If it's been years and years, then it sounds like he has a longterm hangup that he needs to get over, and you should maybe think about giving him space and time to do that alone while you get on with your life and see other people. But if he and his ex haven't been separated that long, it's quite possible that he's full of conflicting feelings about the situation, and it can simply take time for those to resolve and for him to be able to move forward. In that case, being patient and understanding towards his conflicting emotions might be the quickest way to help him to overcome this, and to decide that actually someone so caring and wonderful as you is far more worthy than his ex! At the same time, I think you should be firm (but not aggressive) about the fact that you're not willing to sit around for months and months on the off-chance that he decides to be with you. If he's not showing some willingness to conquer this and move on, if he's not at least trying to commit to you 100%, then he's not worth your time and effort. In short: be kind, but also be firm. And always remember, you deserve to be loved completely for who you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2010): Personally, I think you are too young to be caught up in an exclusive relationship. You are in high school right? Why not show this guy that you aren't going to wait around or be second best and flirt and date some other boys.
He is using the ex girlfriend thing to keep you at a distance because he wants to keep his options open, too. Pretty soon you may both be going your seperate ways, too, off to college I hope.
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