A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am in a rather interesting situation. My boyfriend well currently ex boyfriend lives with me. And hes confusing and hurting me emotionally. But lets go back to the beginning 4 1/2 years. We met while I was on a field trip when I was still in high school and we dated for a sold 3 years this last year has been incredibly rocky. When he was 18 he moved in with me and my parents because his father is a horrid man and his mother is non existent in his life. So my family took him in when and "adopted" to say the least. We stopped dating before because we were too young to be together and live together and my parents said it was inappropriate and we needed to make a choice say together or my ex boyfriend would be homeless. So we made a sacrifice and broke up. We were still together and i use that term loosely because basically we were just having sex ever now and then. Now that you are update on our history I can get to the root problem. He decided he wanted to go into the army and he did before he left for basic training we dated other people we agreed it would be best and it would be easier on both of us if we did... and you sort of did. Over the time he was gone he broke up with his ex girlfriend and started talking to me more and more again and we were getting heavy into details about getting back together and the idea of getting engaged ( I know that some out there think we are too young.. and we too have came to that conclusion. ) When he came back home after being gone for 4 months we carried on with our serious relationship. Until now just a couple couple of days ago he said we need to go on pause. Just until he moves out of my house. And i completely agreed with him... however he told me that we were free to date and do whatever with other people. I don't understand that. To me that just seems so absurd and hes texting others girls and flirting with them. and believe me I have expressed how I feel about it in a compassionate way. I just don't know what to do I cry because it hurts me.. I don't want to see other people I have tried and I keep coming back to him. He says hes in love with me but he doesn't want to be with me. I don't trust his words and his actions are different then what hes saying He says it will be different when he moves out. I don't think I would want him back if he had sex with another girl while we were on this break, the idea of him being with another girl kills me ... I just really don't know what to do. I try to keep him interested in me buy changing my perfume to something he likes , making him breakfast in bed,doing his laundry. I am trying to be a good girlfriend but I really just don't know what to do. please help me
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male
reader, dannio111 +, writes (11 October 2012):
First of all, I am sorry for the situation that you are in because I've been there and I know how deeply it hurts when you love some one so much and it is not returned. What you have to d..is CLEAR...but not easy. You want him to want you and only you right? You will NOT get that by agreeing to a "pause" that means you are waiting for him whenever he wants to come crawling back. You will completely lose his respect and any desire / attraction that he may have had for you will be lost. Here is what you do (trust me on this...I have been through this situation several times)BULLSHIT to his "pause"! Tell him that you have been thinking about it and YOU feel like it best that you move on and end the relatuionship. Tell him you have no hard feelings...but that YOU feel its just the right time to break it off. DO NOT say that it is because of the way he treated you.He needs to feel that HE HAS LOST YOU and that it was YOUR IDEA. He's going to ask if there is someone else and blah blah blah...Do not commit to answering any of those questions. Try to seem like you are accepting of the situation and are fine with moving on with your life. Then cut off contact. Cold turkey. If he reaches out to you by text...answer his question with a few short words. Don't be mean...but don't lead him on and DON'T EVER reach out to him. And don't answer his texts right away either. Wait at least an hour. Don't give him a chance to think you are sitting around waiting for your messages. Don't make an effort to see him...work on yourself. Make sure you always look your best. Work out a lot...focus on YOU. If the chance to date another guy comes along...do it.Here is where you need to trust me. IF YOU DO THIS (and it'll be HARD) and if there is ANY attraction left from him to you...this will make him NUTS wanting you back. He'll start trying to staisfy his need to be sure you still want him. DON'T DO GIVE IN. You deserve more than being held in "reserve"Stay distant for at least several weeks while he squirms. DO NOT TEXT HIMDO NOT CALL HIMMake him realize what he has lost. If he doesn't come crawling and begging back to you...than what are you really losing? Someone who doesn't want to be with you? Who wants that? You can't WILL someone to want to be with you. You CAN make them WAKE THE HELL UP and realize it if they do indeed want to be with you. So...WAKE HIS ASS UP. If he doesn't come to you...then you have to move on, there is nothing left to save. If he DOES...then you have a decision to make. Do you still want him back or ....maybe not. and if you do...lay down the law about how it will be and stick to your guns!Think of this situation like wanting to catch a bird. No matter HOW BAD you want to hold it in your hand, you CAN'T capture it by trying harder to grab it. The harder you try the faster it flees. The ONLY ONLY OOOOONNNLY way to capture it is to make it realize that it WANTS TO COME TO YOU. Take care and good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): Ah the old "fallback girl" gambit I love it. Possibly the easiest thing in the world to get away with.
Basically OP he doesn't want to be with you anymore, basically no matter what he says, no matter how sweet his words he's basically just keeping you as his fallback while he finds another girlfriend.
I know tonnes of women that do the same thing although they call it the "shoe store" method. "You can't walk to the store in your bare feet so you can't throw away your old shoes until you've found a good pair of new ones."
You're this guys old shoe, his fallback girl. You see the logic is this in both cases, he doesn't have to deal with the pain of the break up or lose all the good things you bring into his life, being able to take care of you and feel like a hero, having you around for emotional support and the odd kiss and cuddle. He wants to keep all that stuff while he goes off and finds himself a woman who he can have a real future with and he knows he can because you probably love him so much you're going to stick around and let him.
What you don't get is that this is a permanent break up OP, he wants another woman, which means he doesn't love you enough for you to be the only girl for him.
You say you're trying to be a good girlfriend, well you're not his girlfriend OP and all you're doing is being a total pushover. He says he's leaving you and wants other women and your reaction is to be even nicer to him and go on a charm offensive to prove yourself to him? Sorry OP but you're a bit of a love fool. Years you've been together and after that all those years he's decided he's had enough and you think you can somehow make him change his mind?
You're living in a fantasy world OP not only that but why would he change his mind when he still has you on a plate even though he's let you go?
Makes no sense. He doesn't have to "come back" to you because you're still his in all ways, so he's not giving up anything because you haven't taken anything away. He, at the moment doesn't lose anything because you're his pushover fallback girl, on her knees practically begging him to stay.
Well good luck OP, this is going to be a long drawn out hell for you until he finally finds a girl he wants to be with, because until then (and possibly even after that) you simply won't have the strength to let go or even believe it's truly over.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Okay, so he's not a complete douchebag. Doesn't change that fact that he says he loves you, yet wants to date other women.
Staying up with you all night... yes that could be a sign he loves you. But then when he wants to date other women it's just a slap in your face really. I don't know what he is doing, but it sounds like he's leading you on. He is nice to you so you will be nice to him... but he's not interested in being with you. Maybe he just cares for you like a sister or something, since you've lived together for so long.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 October 2012):
 He wants to keep you as his back-up so HE can go date other but you can't.. Basically.
Honey, you are WAY to young for a relationship this messed up and this complicated.
STOP trying to be his NICE but nonetheless.. DOORMAT.
Time to end this thing you two got going. If he is still in the Army he will get stationed elsewhere and pretty soon I bet. So that will give you two some distance and maybe you will see things a little clearer...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): thank you for all the the advice and i forgot to mention he his actively working and he his looking for an apartment. I also got sick the last week and he skipped work to take me to the doctors , he bought my prescription and stayed up to with me all night when I was vomiting and went to work the next day. He did this all without being asked he offered. Maybe I am still being naive but I ask you guys to evaluate this new information. And we have not had sex yet since hes been back. and hes flirting with a girl that lives 200 miles away for college
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 October 2012):
 I am sorry to say that he is not in love with you. This is just something guys say to come across as "nice". He doesn't just want a break, he wants to break up.
If he is asking you if he can see other girls, I would simply break up with him. You don't need someone who really isn't in love with you.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 October 2012):
 You've got some suspicions here, and I think they're totally justified. I can tell by what you've written here that you really feel like you're being played...and honey, that is exactly what is happening.
Break up with him, kick him out of your house, and rid yourself of his toxic influence forever. He's manipulating you, you and I both know it, and you and I both know you can do better.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (7 October 2012):
"He says hes in love with me but he doesn't want to be with me."
Then he's not in love with you. Words against actions, you need to look to his ACTIONS. When he says he loves you, but goes to dates with other women, what does that tell you? His actions say he is not yours, he wants other women. So do not pay attention to his words, only pay attention to his actions. His actions tell you the real truth.
No matter what you do, you can't make him stay. Have you heard the saying, it goes like this: If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you it is yours. If it doesn't come back it was never yours.
Let him go. See what happens. It sounds like you and him have broken up and while you returned to him, he didn't return to you. But let him go again, and this time pay attention to his actions. If he does date other women, you know he was never yours. If he ends up not dating anyone, but coming back to you, then he is yours.
Do you have sex with him? Stop having sex, to make sure he isn't using you for sex.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 He is dating women as it suits his needs and he doesn't care about hurting them. If you tell your parents more about what he did I am sure they would want him out immediately. He knows he is not welcomed at your place, he can't get any sex, that's why when he found a girl who could give him a place to have sex he tries to jump ship. He is not breaking up permanently because he might need your help one day so he doesn't want to sever that connection. He is not taking good advantage of your family's kindness and will be prone to making enemies due to his own selfishness. Thinking of his own family background you might feel compassion towards him but unfortunately he took that for granted and has no intention of reciprocating by being kind to you. I would say break up with him and never open the door for him again. Having poor living conditions and bad parents do not give him the license to step over people. He has to learn it the hard way.
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