A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:my partner and i have been together for nearly six years.over the last year or so, my sex drive has completley vanished. its very rare i feel "in the mood". my boyfriend tries to initiate sex a couple of times a week, to which i just ignore him, or roll over in bed. id rather do that than actually say "not tonight". my boyfriend says he loves me and doesnt care if we never have sex again. i want to believe him but i know men, and i know they have "needs". everyday i fear he will leave me for someone who can do what he wants.the last time we did it was valentines day, and that was only because i felt obliged to.apart from going to my doctor, i dont know what to do. there is nothing i can really tie it down to (medication, stress etc). i just want to be normal and to make my boyfriend happy.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Hello,
Well, it's good that you're still physically attracted to him! How far can you go with your boyfriend until you start to get bored (i.e: you say that you still kiss and cuddle... so does that not usually go past kissing? Will you start making out, he's rounding second - pushing third and then your sex drive kind of drops and you're not in the mood anymore?)
There is plenty of hope for you yet. Now, I was just reading my Cosmo (hooray, Cosmo), and they suggested that even if you're not in the mood right at that moment, sometimes if you just start the process, your body will catch up and you'll GET in the mood - like you said that you do.
I'm not suggesting that you ever do anything you're not comfortable doing. But it seems like you're very happy and comfortable with your boyfriend. Sometimes, even if you're not in the mood - create a sexy atmosphere and pounce on him anyways. You'll get into the mood.
I think you need to get back into the habit of being hot for each other. Once you get into a cycle of "sorry, not in the mood... sorry, my head hurts... sorry, maybe tomorrow...", I think that your body follows suit and your sex drive just drops into regular funk.
(gosh this response is long. Just one more paragraph.)
So maybe VOW to have sex every night this week. I know that sounds like a lot, but remember when you guys first started sleeping together? I'll bet it was twice a day. Even if you're not really in the mood, go for it anyway and just have fun BEING with him. Maybe bust out a new toy or two to really jam up the fun.
Okay, I'm done now. Really. I hope I helped a little and didn't just ramble. You sound like a really sweet girlfriend and I know your relationship can work through this little rut.
xx India
A
female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (29 April 2008):
This is a very complicated situation you are in and unusual being you are so young and do not see eachother 24/7. Your boyfriend obviously loves you very much and is being extremely supportive and sensitive to the problem, but he is a man and men need intimacy. I'm not saying one day he will leave you, but it can happen. What did your doctor say? Did they test your hormone levels? That could definitely be a potential problem for you as it is for some women and a simple pill will fix that. If your doctor is not helping you find the problem, then you should try another doctor. I too lost my sex drive when I was on the pill, but since I've been off and I'm good. Maybe you should try coming off them again and see if that helps, or ask your doctor to change them. Why won't you satisfy his needs in other ways? I know you said you won't do anything you don't want to do, but I think that you should atleast give him something, don't you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): ill try and answer the questions the best i can.TasteofIndia - when i am in the mood, i do really get into sex and enjoy it. most of the time i orgasm and im very happy with my boyfriends "skills". i am physically attracted to him, i think he's beautiful. apart from the no sex thing, were very 'lovey dovey' (kissing, cuddling, holding hands, snuggling on the sofa etc.)duskyrowe - we dont live together. we're hopefully moving in together in the summer. we're just saving up at the mo. im trying to get this problem sorted before we move in. due to work, i see him wednesday evening, then we stay at mine/his friday and saturday night.anonymous - your comment really doesnt help. do you think i want to be like this? do you think i want to cry myself to sleep because i feel a failure as a woman, and as a girlfriend? i probably will be a jerk and not give him any pleasure because IM NOT GOING TO DO SOMETHING I DONT WANT TO DO.Collaroy - i suppose seeing a professional would be the best option. i just find it deeply embarrasing that i cannot perform one of the most natural things in the world. we were both virgins when we started going out (i was 15, he was 17)anonymous male - i do take the pill. although i started feeling this way about 6 months before i started taking it again (i had a year break).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): I'll just add my two cents -- my wife and several of her girlfriends have gone off the pill just because it made their desire levels drop off. Now their desire is back. You wouldn't also be on the pill, would you?
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (29 April 2008):
 Hi,
your boyfriend obviously loves you very much. But you know and everyone knows that at some stage ( you are only 18-21 ) he is going to want the intimacy that is missing in his life.
He has given you time to sort yourself out, you should do everything you can to find out why you have gone off sex.
You have your whole future to think about here, if you split up with your boyfriend it will be very hard to find someone else if you cannot be intimate with them. So I suggest you see a doctor or a therapist , there must be something that is putting you off.
But ask yourself this first, do you still find men attractive, or is it just your guy who doesnt do it for you anymore. If you were inexperienced then he may not be a good lover or you may not be sexually compatible. It could be a lot of things.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): If you're concerned that he might go looking somewhere else, maybe you should give HIM some pleasure without having sex, or are you going to be a jerk and deprive him of that too?
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (28 April 2008):
 Do you live with your boyfriend? The reason why I ask is some couples love life takes a nose dive because they see eachother almost 24/7 and get bored with each other emotionally and physically. That has happened to me in the past. It is different when you date a person and you only see them once or twice a week, because you start to yearn for them and I find sex can be great and you do not feel obliged to perform all the time at the drop of a hat.
Please do not fear I am sure there is a way you can put the spark into your relationship. I have a book written by Tracey Cox called Hot Sex in relationships, she is absolutely brilliant and gives great advice.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (28 April 2008):
Out of curiosity, when you do actually have sex, do you get into it? Or are you just completely turned off - even during the act? Do you orgasm when you're together? Is your boyfriend "doing the job"?
I guess I'm just wondering if you are still attracted to him physically. Do you kiss? Do you still make efforts to be sexy for each other and do things together?
I guess I'm just trying to get down to the bottom of the real problem. If you're not physically attracted to him, then I think you need to reevaluate your relationship together. Maybe you're just not that into him - you love him as a partner, as a friend, but simply not as a lover anymore.
So, give us so more information!!
I hope you find some help here on "The Cupid"!
xx India
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