A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem and I don't understand what I can do. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years and I truly believe that he is my true love. I want to marry him, and spend the rest of my life with him and I've known this every since the day we met. He use to tell me he loved me and wanted the same thing but for the past 2 weeks we have been split up because he says that he has fallen for another girl that he has known for a long time and the feelings just appeared and he doesn't know why. I have been patient and giving him true advice on what he should do because I only want to see him happy but it is killing me to know that he isn't in love with me anymore. And the girl he thinks he is in love with is 14 years older than him. I don't know what I am going to do if she feels the same about him. I want to be with him and him only and I want him to be in love with me like he has been for the past 3 years. Can anyone give me any advice on what I can do to win him back? I'm to the point to where I can't eat, sleep, or even function through the day because my heart is completely shattered. The only thing that is keeping me together is our daughter and the little bit of hope I have. I don't want to move on so if anyone could please just give me any advice on what to do if you are in love with someone who is in love with someone else please. Thank You.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): sorry if my answer came up, i didnt realise that you got yourself sorted.! sorry x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2008): oh my god? whay are you doing this to yourself and your daughter?are you stupid? he isnt in love with you any more? he has told you that.yes you might still be in love with him, but why on earth would you want to be with some one that makes u feel like crap, unconfident about yourself, just because he is your babys dad.????get a grip love and wake up and smell the roses.you cant have him and trust him in the way you used to, you cant feel secure with him the way you used to.what about if you do stay together , until your .say- 35, and he finds that younger girl he is in love with then , she'll be at least 10 years younger, you gonna stick around for that one too?and she probs will sleep with him , you gonna sit by while he has an affair, calling you on his way home from her house making sure you have his dinner on the table?like i said girl , get a grip.
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female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (30 October 2008):
 I'm happy that you have some closure, it is an awful situation to be in but things will get better from here if you let them.
Spending time alone will allow you to discover more about yourself, examining your past relationship will allow you to discover what you do and don't want from someone else, building a life that doesn't include him (at least not as your partner), take each step as it comes and focus on where you want to be. Knowing where you want to be makes it that much easier to get there.
You've gone through something more difficult than most people will ever encounter and you will learn from it, and you'll be stronger for it.
If you want to chat further feel free to send me a private message and I'll help out however I can.
All the very best :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI finally got my closure. He finally told me the truth that I needed to hear. He said that the only reason he was kissing me and telling me there was still hope was onlt to make me feel better and that we have no future together, and surprisingly enough, I feel a bit relieved. I mean I still and always will love him. But I deserve better. Thank you for the help but I dont have another question....
How do I go about trying to figure out who I am?
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female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (30 October 2008):
I think any person with commonsense would have an inkling that you wouldn't be happy about the prospect of your partner being with someone else. So if her excuse is that she isn't sure how you'd feel about it - she's kidding herself and your partner has probably been feeding her excuses.
I guarantee you there are some absolutely amazing guys out there, ones who will exceed your expectations in every way. Take some time to yourself to figure out who you are when you're alone, what you want and need from a partner and don't settle for anything less.
Focus on the fact that you will no longer be anxious, worrying over all the horrible things he has done.
Fill your time with friends, family, and all the hobbies or social activities that make you happy.
And most importantly.. think about the person you WANT to be, you might not be that person right now but if you want to be strong enough to way away - you will be.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPlus she practically told him already that she is up for being together but she told him that he really should think things through. So because she deosnt know about my feelings on this, she is going for it. If she knew she would back off. But this situation has hurt me so much to where I dont even know who I am anymore. Maybe this will be good for me and let me figure out who I am. I just wish I knew where to start with getting over the person I love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have been fighting with him adn nothing works.He just told me that there is NO hope for us anymore which leads me to believe that he lied when he said he loved me for 2 and a half years.He was kissing me and leading me to believe that there is still a chance yesterday and now hes saying that he was only doing that to make me feel better. HOW DOES FALSE HOPE MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BETTER?I am a freaking wreck right now. It's not easy and I can't walk away for someone I love.And he said that I have to leave him alone until I can get over it.Why are guys such pigs? Why was I so stupid to believe him and have a kid with him out of marriage? Now I have to do this by myself and shell grow up to hate me because of him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): I have to put my 2 cents in...
Do you want to know how to win him back? Make him respect you by respecting yourself. And the way to respect yourself is to WALK AWAY from him.
As long as you're at his feet lying there like a doormat, he will never come back to you, irregardless if the older woman wants him or not. Hell, even if she RECOMMENDS to him that he go back with you, he won't... why? Because he doesn't respect you, at all. And why should he? You sure don't respect yourself enough to demand to be treated with dignity.
I have a feeling part of the reason your guy likes this other woman so much is because she's turning him down. If he knows you'll always be there for him, no matter how crappy he treats you, then he'll NEVER go back to you.
You say you want him back? Then FIGHT goddammit. Get angry. Call him a sonofabitch, tell him how hurtful he's been and that he can go screw himself and then walk away and don't talk to him for a while. If he really loves you, he'll realize what a huge mistake he made and he'll be running after you. And when he does, make him suffer for a while until he finally starts behaving like the man he's supposed to be.
You know, Dr. Phil always says, "You teach people how to treat you." Well, you're teaching this guy to treat you like something he wiped off his shoe.
I tried really hard not to respond to this, but man oh man...
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhere is the line? -- I don't know honeslty.How badly could he treat you before you would walk away? -- I don't think I can just walk away from someone I love.Will you ever walk away -- or does your belief system not support that? -- I just love him. And I'm willing to wait forever just to be with him.What sort of relationship would you want for your child? -- What do you mean?What kind of example do you hope to set? -- I want her to be a strong woman and to fight for what she wants and not let anyone walk on her.
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female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (29 October 2008):
Well your belief system is your own as are your choices, and I don't expect to change them but from my perspective I wouldn't mind at least making you think about them a little.Where is the line? How badly could he treat you before you would walk away? Will you ever walk away - or does your belief system not support that? As I asked before, what sort of relationship would you want for your child? Is your own relationship reflective of that? What kind of example do you hope to set?Personally for me, at the end of the day I would rather be able to respect myself, and my partner than cling to a set of beliefs that make me unhappy in my every day life.Never let someone be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option - to paraphrase Oscar Wilde.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo it's just she told him that she is looking for a full commitment, not something that will only last a few months which means that if they start a relationship then hell never come back to me. And I might be young, but Im old fashion. I had a kid with him and we were ready to get married and such. But since we had a child toghether Im not bringing another man into my life. I love him and want to be with him. This just hurts so much to watch him go for this older woman and leave me in the dust.
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female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (29 October 2008):
Why do you have no choice?There is ALWAYS a choice. You are young (as am I), there is nothing but choice, and the choices you make now will lay the foundation for the rest of your life. If he doesn't fulfill his fantasy with this woman, how do you know it won't go on and on until he finds one that is willing to fulfill it with him?You may respect the way he treats his children, but you should not respect the way he treats YOU.You seem to be making excuses for him, you stated in previous posts that he sits there and jokes about sleeping with her to win her over.Is this the kind of relationship you would wish for your child? If no, then you should consider very carefully what kind of example you are setting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have no choice but to respect him as a person because we have a baby together and he is a terrific father. But I can't just be friends with him. He says he does love me but that he is in love with her and he is always alpologizing and saying he didnt mean to hurt me that it just happened.
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female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (29 October 2008):
You are still attached to him emotionally, and you are still talking to him, hearing of his conquests with this other woman.
So while you may not officially be with him, you are close enough. You are with him mentally and emotionally, the only difference being he is no longer with you.
Do you still like or respect him as a person, despite the fact he could treat you so badly? Instead of focusing on your desire to be with him, how do his actions make you feel - about him, and about yourself?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt does matter because I need to know if she is planning on it or if she is backing off because she knows my feelings for him and that she cares about me as a friend herself.And I am not with him but I am still in love with him and want to be with him.
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female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (28 October 2008):
Does it matter what her reasons are for not going ahead with it?
Why are you still with him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate on the situation:
Well I guess he told her how he felt and she feels the same but when he tells her that he wants to give it a try (for them to date) she completely changes the subject. And I guess she asked him what my thoughts and feelings were on this situation because she really cares for me as a friend and knows how much I really love him. He said he lied to her and told her that I knew nothing because he is trying to protect himself or the chances he might have or something like that and then tell her the truth later on.
Could that mean that she is considering that he should work things out with me because of the age thing or because she knows how I feel and that she doesn't want to hurt me?
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female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (26 October 2008):
The only reason he isn't lying to you is because he doesn't need to, you have given him permission to do whatever he pleases without any consequences. Him being honest is probably more for his own peace of mind than for yours.
Him being in love with someone else isn't the only issue in this situation. The fact that he is responding to his feelings by trying to get this other woman and not trying to overcome the feelings and make YOUR relationship work is a huge issue. We can't control our feelings but we can control our response to these feelings, and his response is cold, selfish and disgusting.
You need to be strong enough to break it off with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I just goot word from him that he told her he was falling for her. She said she felt the same. But that they couldn't be together because of the age. She said it doesn't bother her but she doesn't want to ruin his reputation or something like that. Now he is sitting there laughing and saying that he thinks he should sleep with her to win her over completely. I can not believe he finds it so funny to hurt me like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly, I don't want to be loved by anyone but him. I've told him already that if he chooses her then I'm completely gone and he said that he can't help his feelings but it is a chance he will have to take. He knows me so well though to know that I will always be here for him.I mean he already said that he does love me because of that strong bond we had, and our daughter and such but he isn't in love with me anymore. That is what hurts and for him to be in love with a woman who is 14 years older than he is makes me feel even more unconfident (or however its spelled) about myself than I already am. I am so happy that he trusts me enough not to lie to me but at the same time I don't understand why this is happening even though he had promised me we'd be together no matter what. We have had a lot of rough patches in our relationship but we always found a way to make things better again because of the love we had for each other. I just can't believe he doesn't feel this way for me anymore. Especially since I am still in love and crazy for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): when i said ********if you did walk out on him, your cutting yourself and your daughter short of some one to care for you both, ********** i meant to write if you did walk out on him,and didnt even bother to find yourself anyone else your cutting yourself and your daughter short of some one to care for you both,
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): hunny , im sorry to put this so harshly , but get rid of him, tell him its either you or her, if he says her, then tell him your walking,there and then , and do it ,
tell him theres no second chances if he even thinks about this other woman.
it is unfair on your daughter for him to do this, but unfortunatly these things happen.
also as you said, hes your babys dad, you wont marry anyone else,
if you did walk out on him, your cutting yourself and your daughter short of some one to care for you both,
im not saying you need another guy to be happy, but surley you would want to feel loved by some one ? and wouldnt it be nice for some one to be there for both of you if and/or when needed?
my mum brought me up herself when my dad left, and she never dated , im 23 now, my dad left when i was about 5ish, she still has never dated,
and i wished, everyday when i got home from school that she had met some one , some one to look after her and love her in a way that i couldnt .............and stil to this day , she hasnt met any one , or even tried, and it hurts me like mad that she hasnt, we arent a very close family, so all she has is me , and it is really so sad to see her on her own , she has no one to buy those specail girfts for her at xmas etc, no one to take her out to 'old people places' lol
why would you even think about doing that to yourself?
its not what you want ?@ theres so much more to life than a guy that cant make his mind up what he wants hun, seriously, give yourself the kick up the ass to walk away, once your gone, he might realise he is being stupid, but only you doing so can give him chance to see and its all up to you wether or not you give him another chance- but make sure if you do- that he knows its his last as yo ucant keep feeling like this and if your daughter picks up on it when shes older, she will resent him for it ....
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been split up for him to clear his head so I don't consider it cheating but it is very painful. He is like my best-friend so I'm happy that he can be open with me about it but I still feel there is something he isn't telling me. I tried telling him that I don't think I can be here for himn after she rejects him because I feel he will always be thinking and loving her more than me.
I hope that she only enjoys his comfort and friendship because I consider her a friend to me. She is a neighbor to him and we are all close to there family. The thing that makes me worry is that he told her that he was attracted to her, but nothing else and all she said was why was he interested in a 'old-hag' like her and that she wanted to take him out and help him pick up girls that she thinks is right for him. Even after knowing he is attracted to her she is still flirting with him.
He has yet to tell her he thinks he is in love with her but when I try to tell him that he will be losing me but he is losing our daughter to he just says that when she is old enough to understand she wont hate him and I can't always hide behind her and bring her into this because she has nothing to do with it. I can't even respond to something like that.
It's weird to because some people would think that I pushed him away for talking future commitment to him but he was the one to ever start telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me and be with me. I just don't understand if you love someone why would you try to hurt them.
And not only that but if he does completely leave me, I can't be with anyone else because that goes against my beliefs. I had a baby with him which means I only marry him. I just feel so betrayed by him and the other older woman since I had considered her a friend. She came to our daughters 1st b-day party and christening, and everything and I thought she was a friend that I could trust. I guess you really can't trust anyone but yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): How can you put up with this? he's in day dream land, you need to bring him back to reality. Dump him, don't say sad things like "how I can win him back or compete" He dosen't know what he's missing because he knows your forgive him no matter what. Why shouldn't he cheat on you if he's going to get away with it!
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female
reader, for_a_reason  +, writes (24 October 2008):
 I think it's awful that he's putting you in this situation and is being completely ignorant of your feelings. He's being 100% emotionally unfaithful to you.
I understand that you love this guy and that you're heartbroken, but he's being absolutely ridiculous - and treating you terribly! He expects to go off and announce his feelings to this older woman, and if she refuses him then he expects you to stick around, help him through it and then 'maybe' sometime in the future you'll get back together again? That's very unfair.
What happens if this woman does feel the same? Do you think he'll help you through your heartbreak??? No, probably not.
It sounds to me like this older woman likes the idea of him more than she likes him. If he reminds her of someone she lost, then I think it's his friendship and comfort that she's enjoying. But I bet that if he propositioned her or announced his feelings then she'd be very quick to step back.
I don't really know what to suggest hon, I suppose it's very honest of him to tell you of his feelings for this woman rather than going behind your back - but at the same time I think that he's asking for far too much from you and is being very selfish.
I think you really need to be clear with him. If he declares his feelings for this woman then he'll be betraying you and being unfaithful to you. You need to let him know that you won't be his air bag if this all goes wrong - could you really put yourself through that emotionally?
Good luck - I really hope it all works out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe tells me that she flirts with him and talks about personal things with him such as that he reminds her of someone she loves but had lost.
I'm afraid that if she feels for him then I won't be the same ever again. He says that he loves her and knows it because he hurts whenever he tries to forget about her and that he has thought long and hard about it and believes she is his true love.
He says he is still in love with me but has made up his mind that he wants to tell her how he feels but if she shoots him down, which I don't think she will, that he wants me to help him through it/be there for him and then we can pick up where we left off somewhere down the road.
I have tried telling him how all of this makes me feel and he says that he is not doing this to me purposely because he does love me but that he can't help the way he is feeling about this other woman. I asked him how he knows if it isn't just a crush and he said that the feelings are strong. He even said that he hasn't though about her in a sexual way which I guess is good and bad at the same time because it makes me think, what if he really is in love with her. He will have to choose between me and her and he already said it would more than likely be her.
I asked him how I can win him back or compete and he said since he doesn't believe she feels the same, that I just have to be here for him, but how am I suppose to do that when he will always be thinking about her in the back of his mind. Or if we are making love, how will I know that he isn't thinking about her. I am so shattered and I don't understand what to do.
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reader, for_a_reason +, writes (23 October 2008):
I'm astounded that your boyfriend could possibly think of acting this way when you have a daughter together. I think the way you've acted in the wake of his revelation is amazing considering your feelings for him. It's terrible of him to treat you this way, but I suppose things like this happen - people are always falling in and out of love, and sadly, it's rarely at the same time.
It sounds to me as if your boyfriend just has a crush on this other older woman. It sounds like more of a fantasy than a reality, and he's clearly confused and lost his way.
I think you need to talk to him and be utterly frank about your feelings for him - and you need to give him an ultimatum. DO NOT let him string you along whilst he waits for this older woman to respond. Tell him that you love him and want him to be happy - but that you won't stand around waiting for him to realise his mistake. Does he want to gamble your relationship - and your daughter's happiness - with another relationship that might never happen? Does he realise what he's going to lose if he chases this deluded fantasy???
I'm sure, if he respects you and wants the best for his daughter then he'll see sense. I do hope it works out for you hon, but if not then it's his loss, he's clearly undeserving of you.
Good luck.
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