A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right, some background.My boyfriend and I met through a friend. We had flirted on a few nights out and ended up kissing at a party a couple of weeks back.The next day, we had a long chat, and we have been talking every day since, and seeing each other most days.The past few days we spent together, sharing a bed every night.On the first night we spent together (it was him that suggested staying over), he confessed that he had a hard time with intimacy and trusting people, as a result of his parents' divorce when he was a child. They broke up when he was 8, but he only found out by accident when he was 14- they lied to him about it all that time. He cried talking about this.He is 27, and has never lasted more than a couple of weeks with a girl because of this fear of being hurt again.I admit, my alarm bells did go off, but I figured we could work it out.Over the past couple of weeks I asked him a few times if he had any fears or felt he was panicing, and he said no.On Valentines night, we were in bed, and were kissing as usual. One thing led to another and he suggested having sex. I asked him was it too soon, he said no. However, he kept losing his erection when he attempted to do it. We tried to do it several hours later and it still didnt happen.On the way to my house last night, he asked if I thought we were going too fast, on account of the fact that we were spending almost all our time together and were attempting sex. I told him that while I felt things were moving fast, I was happy. I figured that he'd walk me to my door and say that he was going to head home and have some time to himself, but he didn't. He came in with me and sat on the couch beside me for 3 hours! All the while, he had his arm around me, rubbing my arm, stroking my hair, asking me was I OK and could we talk. I was very confused- he said he wanted more time but yet proceeded to carry on as normal???Anyway, after he left, when he got home, he began IM'ing me, saying he just needed more time and to take things slowly. This was fine with me.However, he then told me that he doesn't know if he likes me or not.He said the initial attraction was there, but over the past 2 weeks, he has had nagging thoughts in the back of his head that maybe he doesn't like me, and is with me because of guilt over how kind I have been to him.I told him that the bare minimum of a relationship is that two people like each other, and he agreed that he can't say if he likes me.He also says the reason why he was physically incapable of sex is because he felt it was too soon. I reminded him that I asked him was it too soon when he suggested it, and he said no.He basically says, at the moment, his head is melted and he needs to clarify exactly how he feels. He said the past 2 weeks he has been over-affirmative with me because I was so kind to him the night he told me of his fear of intimacy, but his head is now a melting pot.I have told him that I am deeply hurt that he cannot say if he likes me or not. He seemed so happy and affectionate and genuine the past 2 weeks that I find it impossible to believe that he doesn't like me, but then again, I cannot tell what is going on in his head.I have also told him that even if he decides he does like me, being with him after him being so unsure of it will be a huge deal for my self respect and my confidence.If anyone could offer any advice it would be great.
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broke up, confidence, divorce, erection, flirt, kissing Reply to this Question
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male
reader, gumbbo  +, writes (18 February 2009):
I bet he is embarrassed at you seeing him at his most vulnerable. You have seen him in a light that possibly even his own mother hasn't, he cried in front of you, that is pretty big for a guy to do and now he knows you have seen him like this he probably on one hand wishes you would move to another country but on the other still likes you. What I would do is tell him some really embarrassing things about yourself, get tearful if need be, anything to make him feel like you have equally shown your vulnerable side. I know it's stupid but we men have egos to consider, lol. That is the most practical advice i can give, show him your most vulnerable side and tell him things that you are ashamed of so he thinks "well she saw me looking weak and not being able to keep it up, but i saw her at her weakest to and she told me all those embarrassing things..." It will probably make you closer too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009): it sounds to me like he is questioning it because he is afraid. he is getting cold feet and making himself excuses to not be happy with you. this is probably a pattern he has established for himself over years of self-teaching. it is hard to break, i am still doing it but i also haven't been in it as long as he probably has been. i would probably tell him that he needs to resolve the issues he has with his parents before he can go assuming that he doesn't really like you just because he's scared. he doesn't want out of his comfort zone and that's what he needs to step out of.
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