A
female
age
26-29,
*shtucky
writes:Quick and short...My boyfriend says that for our relationship to survive I need to start "surprising" him sexually. One of his versions of being surprised is a spontaneous blowjob in the car. That's pretty much all the hints he has given me! Any ideas...? I'm open to most things and suggestions. - A
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 But that's not a separate issue ! that's part of his being a tough one to sway at all, and being set in his ways and wanting what he wants when he wants, screw everybody else. And of projecting and unloading his issues over you in your couple relationship. So, he had a bad past. Oh cry me a river. And ?... Why does this have to justify his unwillingmess / inability to treat you as you need and deserve '
OP, he's got issues that cut into his affectivity / capacity to substain a relationship,- that's for his shrink to fix first, not for you. You are a young girlfriend, not a psychiatric nurse or a surrogate mother . Don't be sucked into acting like one.
As for the frank, open, heart to heart conversation- one does not to be specially malicious or suspicious to see a link between his mellowed attitude- and the fact he is sponging off your parents and has got nowhere else to go live. Like, the day you should get mad, rather than sad , ... what is he going to do ? Do you really think this has never even marginally crossed his mind.... ?
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (7 July 2014):
 What is he doing to make things better for YOU in this relationship?
My take on this is that he's checked out of the relationship and is making you do all the work, both emotional and sexual, because he can't or won't.
I would do what you are comfortable doing but don't expect him to reciprocate equally; he already sounds like a takes more kind of boyfriend.
As for ideas as to how to "surprise" him sexually... well, does that mean shock him in public by taking your top off or does that man taking the initiative in bed? One guy's idea of "surprise" sexually would be another's "yawn, ho hum, so what" and yet another's "no no never do that I can't cope with that in real life."
At this point in the relationship and based on his emotional instability, I would definitely NOT send any digital images of yourself. You never know where those could wind up if things don't go well between you two.
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A
female
reader, ashtucky +, writes (7 July 2014):
ashtucky is verified as being by the original poster of the question (Accidentally clicked send before I was done)Thank you all for your answers. I'm so touched that you all care so much :)Okay so long story short we did have a massive heart to heart yesterday night. I apologise if I gave you the impression that he was self-serving. The sexual aspect was only one of many we talked about and I agreed that it needed to be remedied. We're going to start surprising each other bedside as sexual beings we both enjoy that kind of thing. I was going to post an update on my last question explaining all of this but haven't gotten around to it. We talked very openly about everything and I addressed the issues to him from the last post and he was very sincere and genuine... More than I've seen him. He honestly hates hurting me but we both know he has a few social issues because of a seriously bad childhood. Not only that, but up until he met me, he was going through rough times. Since I've been with him, to name a few, his dad had died in a horrible freak accident, he was diagnosed with a (now we know is benign) tumour on his brain, constant harassment from his mother's boyfriend, poor final grades from collards because of all these factors, and constant rejection. He wants what both of us want, to be happy. And we laid it all out last night and focused on aspects that we could work on that would make our relationship better and this was one of many. I know him very well and what he has told me has not offended me one bit. I know his reasoning behind things and why things are the way they are and he's fully explained issues from the last post. Thank you all again for your help and support but I was hoping to treat this as a separate post from my first one, with only suggestions :)- A
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A
female
reader, ashtucky +, writes (7 July 2014):
ashtucky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind words.
Yes that was a post I wrote before. We had a big talk about it last night actually. It's too much to write down here but I can definitely tell you he cares about my feelings. It was a very open vonversai
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (7 July 2014):
 http://www.dearcupid.org/question/boyfriend-living-with-me-temporarily-the-love-is.html
Is this his answer to your recent post; 5 July 2014 – Boyfriend living with me temporarily the love is dying, what should I do? That YOU START surprising him sexually?
I’m all for surprises and spontaneity myself; but this doesn’t address your need for affection, it’s purely his!
Because if this is his or your answer, it sounds like you’re clutching at straws right now for this to work... Remember, “...past issues where he's treated you very badly...” This “surprising him sexually” BS, is just another desperate and irrational solution!?
It’s not very smart or clever in the long run; DITTO SageOldGuy, he’s self-serving etc., especially when he’s living under your roof and here you are, expected to surprise HIM!? Sorry, but he’s the one who should be lifting up his game giving you affection and getting himself on track.
CAA
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 July 2014):
 Here's MY idea: He's a self-centered, self-serving (and immature) narcissist; and you'll be better off when you figure out that guys like that don't make very good "boyfriends".. and you dump him and go out and find a NICE boyfriend...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 July 2014):
 That's emotional blackmail. I have a feeling that it's more about getting what he wants than the well being of the relationship, for whatever problems you have be having. Spontaneity is good, there is a time and place for that, but not when he is using it as an ultimatum. It will feel like it is something you have to do or you would lose him. It should be mutually enjoyable, not forced. First I want to find out how much he cares about you, and is he equally eager to please you the same way, because it sounds like he's trying to mold you into a way he likes but not care how you really feel.
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