A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,So I got into a tiff my boyfriend..earlier during the date he said 'don't get used to me doing things for you' and I don't know why he would say that when I don't make him do anything.. He never lets me pay when we go out infact when I do he gets offended..so just tht 1 date I carried very little cash may be I made a mistake there cuz he said it again 'don't get used to me doing things'..then when I was dropping him off he was like do u have money to fill fuel I said I do(and I did have money for fuel) he said things like don't lie to me,how much do u have?show me the money..and gave me 100 dollars and he's like just keep it fill fuel what if it gets over and I dint accept it,I felt really cheap and I left him without saying good bye! Am I over reacting here?
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male
reader, Uncle PJ  +, writes (24 September 2013):
 I've seen that this question has been answered solely by ladies so you haven't heard the male view on this. It seems that the majority of answers have jumped on the fact that he's paying for everything thinking he's just paying her off or just thinking she can't afford it.
This isn't the case. This guy seems to be very much in love you, maybe a bit too full on if you don't like that in a guy, but he just wants to be the kind and caring boyfriend. He's just being chivalrous. Is that really a crime?
The line 'don't get used to me doing things for you' has been used by every genuine guy from every corner of the world in some form of another. It's basically a jokey way of saying 'this might not happen often so appreciate it when we do and we'll continue to shower you with our kindness'. It's also just a jokey way of getting out of the fact he wants to do everything possible to make you smile.
If you've drove him around him town or wherever, he's going to feel entitled to owe you money fuel because you've spent that fuel on him. And becuase he cares for you, he's offered to pay the whole tank for you.
The only thing you girls might not like about it is the fact that you feel we're doing this to have the upper hand and that there's no gender inequality. But look, it doesn't matter how strong or independent you think you are, if you've got a genuine guy who cares and loves you, his first instinct is going to want to protect you and make sure you're okay, whether you need it or not.
He, and other genuine guys, will always want to pay for you during 'couple' things. Again this probably stems from the archaic times when men were the breadwinners which again cries gender inequality or the feeling that we don't think you can pay for it. We just simply want to do the nice things for you, we want to pay for you so you don't have to waste your money, so you can keep it to buy something extra special, we just want to make sure you're getting by okay and that you're generally okay and getting on well with life.
The only thing I will say is that if he never lets you buy anything for him during these 'couple' times or accepts it from you. Then I will say he is too proud and might feel inferior about having his girlfriend 'bailing him out' (that might just be the way he sees). But if does let you pay for the occasional thing then please just think that this is a guy bending over backwards to make you happy and doing everything he possibly can for you because he cares deeply for you. I hope this helps now you've seen it from a guy's perspective.
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 He's a really bad joker. He sees this as being humorous and funny. But really, it's annoying and awkward. He means well. He really does seem to. He just doesn't realize his words band behavior are a out off and upsetting. I feel kinda bad for him. I would give him a break and just tell him you don't find that funny.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): I think he wants to do nice things for you, and be a gentleman to you, treat you well, but he doesn't want you to 'expect' it from him. He doesn't want you to take his kindness for granted and feel 'entitled', but rather, to always appreciate what he does for you....ALWAYS. He may have had the experience before with someone, who enjoyed his kindness, then grew to expect it, and maybe get angry if it didn't come. It can be human nature to grow to 'expect'something that starts off to be a kindness, and to then get angry if it no longer comes our way. I have experienced this too. I used to do the washing, drying and folding of a partners laundry. He then used to get angry because I didn't also put it away. I felt taken for granted. It was a gift for me to do this, not an entitlement. Needless to say I stopped doing it altogether. It sounds like your bf has a good heart, but just wants you to always appreciate what he does for you, and not ever sit back and 'expect' him to take care of you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 September 2013):
 He has a phobia of being taken for granted. I have never seen a guy like this. Maybe it's similar to: If you went to France, you speak French at the store, then they will speak English to you. If you speak English and not try to learn their language they won't respect you. He really needs someone to put in as much effort as him. It's not the money but the heart.
It's hard to get used to a guy like this, a bit weirdish. If you want to stay with him then you consider if he has other good qualities. After all, remembering to bring money every time is not difficult. His behavior can be shocking but it depends on whether you can adapt to him and his idiosyncrasies.
English is not your first language? Maybe you are from a different culture?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe first time he said don't get used to me doing things was after he put my coat on the stand when I wore it and sat on the bed,opened the door or something I told him u don't have to and I was just joking,it dint seem a joke but he promised it was a joke and he dint mind doing things for me and he said it once and then again when we went out for lunch he said it again.. I always say I'l pay but he doesn't let me,this time I dint even make an attempt to pay may be that's when I went wrong!and later that day when he asked if I had money for fuel I felt so bad,I felt cheap and I asked him to leave..he texted,called aplogising saying why are you doing things to me because I love,because I want to take care of you..I haven't replied to him yet
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (23 September 2013):
I think your boyfriend has a really bad way of showing you he cares. Clearly he does, because he wants to pay for everything and take care of you - that's his way of showing affection and love - but he's going about it in the complete wrong way. he's making you feel like you are a burden and can't take care of yourself.
Has there ever been a tendency to where you never had/have money and he had to pay for you? I'm wondering where he got this mindset. Anyway, I would have a talk with him. Just ask him why he does sweet things like that (because it is really sweet to pay for dates and gas), just to turn around and defeat the whole purpose by being a dick.
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A
female
reader, shybaby +, writes (23 September 2013):
you are not over reacting that guy needs a range check or maybe he doesnt want u to think that he is poor or in need of it
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (23 September 2013):
He's a jerk. He knows the dating etiquette but has a massive conflict about wanting to pay. He's making both of you stress out too much over money. I don't what the point is having a girlfriend when he hates that role so much. You are not overreacting. I will take "don't get used to me doing things for you." as not letting him do things for you, ever, goodbye.
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