A
female
age
41-50,
*oveyDoveyBear
writes:My boyfriend said to not meet for awhile until after his divorce is finalized (they've been separated almost a year, and he filed for the divorce 3 months ago). He wants a divorce because his wife cheated on him.He told me it shouldn't be any longer and I've seen the documents stating around when it would be finalized..but I'm not too sure why he is asking to not meet until it is finalized? What could he be thinking and would this be better for our relationship? what is the purpose of this request? He also told me to focus on myself during this time and think the best for myself, I'm scared he's choosing to split up with me so I asked him but he keeps telling me he's not. He also kept saying to me that he has no right to ask me to stay so I have my choice to leave. I don't think he is playing with me, he said he's serious with me, and I like that he cares what my parents think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2014): This sounds perfectly logical to me. He is going through a LOT of emotional turmoil right now that he does not want you to see. Even if you are the best thing he has ever had, he cannot be rushed through the grieving process with his marriage. Plus, he does not want to form a relationship on such an unstable foundation with so much up in their air. He needs time and space to process everything he is going through. No matter how wonderful you are, he has to accept that this is the end of a long and meaningful relationship that he at one point thought would last forever.I am sure deep down he wants you to be there for him when everything is finalized and he is ready, but he does not want to keep you waiting as it will make him feel rushed. He wants to know you are happy for now, so he can focus on his own healing process. But deep down, he probably wants nothing more than for you to be available to start a new life with him once he's put all of this behind him. Showing compassion for this process and letting him know that there is no pressure or rush will help him out tremendously, and probably solidify his feelings for you. But that is just my best guess. I could be giving you false hope, but it's just a different perspective.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 March 2013):
 that is odd especially with what he's telling you.
Can you call him and ask him WHY because his reasoning seems odd to me.
My first thought was that he's concerned that she is going to fight him on it and if he's seen with you she has grounds and can get more alimony or support because then she has cause too.
But then you add that he said : "He also told me to focus on myself during this time and think the best for myself"
and that seems a bit odd.
if it's so he is not going to be accused of adultery I think he would have told you.
are you guys NO CONTACT now? if so, I would just move forward with your life... in fact, I would be open and receptive to meeting new men... because in three months he may or may not be back...
if you are talking or emailing then ASK HIM WHY...
if you feel you can't ask him then I revert to go out and meet new men and let him go....
if you ask him and he can't give you a straight answer... be cautious....
you have your choice to leave... he said this... for me this is code from him "I want out but I'm too chicken shit to ask so if we go NC maybe you will meet someone and leave me"
guard your heart.
I
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): Because he is not divorced, any relationship he has while STILL MARRIED can cause him problems during the divorce proceedings.If you do care about him, you will listen to what he told you. He is not sure what is going to happen. He wants you to put yourself first and do what you need to do to be happy in life without him. Despite how uncertain everything is right now, this is excellent advice! When you put yourself first, you will grow and mature as a person. You will gain a sense of independence and the wisdom that come with this independence. This is an incredibly important step to take on the road to adulthood. Once you take this step, you will be prepared to face the future. He may join you. He may not. Only time will tell. The only person you will be with until you die is yourself. Challenge yourself. Get to know and love yourself. Experience this gift of freedom while you have the time and energy to do so.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (1 March 2013):
 This is a bit odd and I can understand why you are worried. There is no real way of telling exactly what is going on here, and I think you are just going to have to give him the benefit of the doubt.
There could be many reasons why he doesnt want to see you until the divorce is finalised:
1. Perhaps he is struggling with the stress of the divorce and cant cope with having a relationship with you whilst going through the divorce
2. Perhaps there are some legal issues with the case - he presumably is divorcing her on the grounds of adultery, but technically if he is in a relationship before the divorce is finalised he is technically cheating too, so if her lawyer found out about you then they could claim that he has also committed adultery and that would cause legal complications (it might affect who gets what in the settlement etc). So he might want to ensure you are not in the picture until it is all over so his ex's divorce lawyer cant find any fault with him and complicate the case.
3. He still has feelings for his wife and wants to figure things out.
As well as the above 3 reasons there could be loads more, but we simply dont know what is going on inside his head, and despite you asking him he clearly is not willing to share his feelings. So all you can do is give him space, let him get this out of the way and give him the benefit of the doubt that he will eventually come back to you. Dont sit around waiting for him mind you, there is always a chance he might decide that he is not ready for a relationship and wants to be single, so he might not actually come back to you. So dont pin all your hopes on this guy - just carry on life as normal, give him some time and see what happens.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2013): If it was only 3 months ago that he found out she had cheated and thus filed for divorce, how long have you been in the picture? Would he also have been guilty of cheating, with you?
Maybe he wants to erase this relationship for now in case it is considered by divorce court to be adultery. That could mess up the settlement and would not have a good outcome for him. I think you need to ask him why to be sure.
However it concerns me that he is saying stuff like you don't have to stay, think about your own future etc. I would have expected him to look forward to a bright fuure together. Not to basically say you can leave if you want. That sounds like he is trying to dial down the seriousness of this relationship. But it could also be said out of guilt or embarrassment like if he has a low self esteem. I would also be concerned if he was reconsidering calling off the divorce and reconciling with his wife and thus saying stuff like this is to sort of lay the ground work for that possibility? Finally, he might also be saying this to test your loyalty and your seriousness or maybe to indirectly ask for reassurance from you that you are serious about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2013): I think there are two possibilities.1) He wants to wait until after the divorce is finalised to be together with someone to make things run smoother and faster. I'm not sure about the law but I think that if you are married, even if you are separated, being with someone else is technically adultery so he might just want to make things easier for the process. 2) He's not sure about the whole thing. He is probably still confused about his feelings for his wife. When I read your post I froze for a moment because I felt like I had written it myself. Slightly different situation but I was together with a guy whose ex had left him for someone else. She then contacted him to tell him she was pregnant and he withdrew and told me exactly the same things as you say your boyfriend told you (focus on myself, be free, he had no right to ask anything of me etc). In the end I had to break up with him because he basically left me hanging for months and I couldn't bear it any longer. I know that every situation is different and this is just what happened to me. It doesn't mean that's what's happening in your relationship. I guess my advice is not to push things or be clingy. It will make him feel guilty and possibly resentful of you. Maybe you could write him an email or letter. Let him know that you're thinking of him and there for him, tell him what he means to you and tell him that you're confused about your role in his life right now. That way you're not putting him on the spot and you give him some time to think about what he wants. I really hope that you get your answers soon.
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