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female
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anonymous
writes:My bf said if I loved him, if I cared about him and if I wanted to make him happy, then I would have sex with him.Why would he say this? It really hurts for him to say this to me because I DO care, and I do love him and I so badly want to make him happy. In fact, it hurts me that he is so unhappy because I wont have sex with him right now. But at the same time, I know I cant give up my values of wanting to wait until we have been in this relationship for longer time. Hes making me feel so guilty about it, like as if I am being selfish. Its like everything else I do for him, counts for nothing. Because unless I give him sex, apparantly thats the only way I can prove my love for him? I told him that if he loved me, then he should be able to respect me enough to not pressure me. His response was "of course i love you baby, i just want to make you happy, thats why i want to have sex with you- i want to do it for you, i want you to experience the pleasure, i want to make you happy, you will love it"...pftttt...as if he cares about making me happy. I said to him the thing that would make me most happy is him respecting me and waiting and that hes making me very upset by pressuring me. And his response was 'trust me, you will be happy if you have sex with me'.What do i do? Why is he doing this? It hurts me so much. He makes me feel like there is somerhing wrong with me, like as if im weird for wanting to wait. Im 19 years old and he is 24.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know you are all right I should dump him...and I am def thinking about it.Its just a hard thing to do, as crazy as that sounds.
A male reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009):-
Me and my ex bf waited over a year...and I have only been going out with my current bf for 1 and a half months...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): If you are making him wait twice as long as you've made your previous BFs wait and this guy knows it, that can understandably make a guy feel second best and frustrated.
If you are making him wait the way you normally make most guys wait and he knows that, then he's just emotionally blackmailing you to keep pushing.
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male
reader, Illithid  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 As TheSpaceBetweenWords said, not *everyone* has sex. I'm 25, have been in two long term serious relationships, the more recent being a 3 year long one including engagement and wedding planning, and am still a virgin. I'm a 25 year old male, but believe love is more important than sex, and respect for each other is paramount.
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (11 September 2009):
The choice is simple to me. Dump him on grounds this is just the tip of the ice berg for him
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female
reader, Miss Karma Louise  +, writes (11 September 2009):
And if he really loved you he would wait and respect your choice to wait. dont let that boy force you into enything that you dont want to do honey.
once its gone its gone. x
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female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Thank you, Uncle Phil. I was going to say something like that myself.
You've asked him the hard question, "Will you dump me if I do not have sex with you." He answered yes.
That truth has not changed, despite his apologies. He WILL DUMP YOU if you do not have sex with him. He just isn't ready to do it right now, but he will.
Will all the pressure he's been puttin gon you have delayed the time when you would normally feel confortable having sex? Are you learning to trust him enough to open yourself to him while he applies that constant pressure? Is it possible that you may never wish to have sex with him, as a result?
Your values may be uncommon, but they are beautiful. I wish more girls/women respected themselves as you do.
So, ask yourself this: Do you respect yourself enough to remove yourself from the pressure?
This is a tough situation. Whatever you decide, make sure it is right for you.
Good luck!
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
 Your follow up says everything and sums it up right there. You should politely tell him that you can't continue seeing him and that he should find someone else.
Then simply start looking again. I'm sure you'll find the right man for you, just let them all know up front that you require some patience on their part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Uncle Phil is definitely right. You should leave him before he leaves you. Your boyfriend clearly does not care about you the way that he should, which would include respecting your wishes about waiting to have sex.
He is mistaken, not *everyone* has sex, there are a great number of people who choose to wait until they feel the time is right without pressure. I think you are right to question his apology and even to question how much he truly does "love" you.
I believe you should leave him now, that will at least teach him that he can't just pressure a girl into things like that without consequences. It certainly seems that you realize you deserve better than that, so act on that feeling. :) I hope things work out for you, please keep us updated, and if you need to talk or need more advice, feel free to message. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Why not get the satisfaction of dumping him before he dumps you - hwich he will unless you give in to him, so get in first. At least you'll be able to say "I dumped him" rather than "I've been dumped".
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice and support.
I asked him straight out if he would dump me, if I didnt have sex with him and he hesitated. He went silent. So I repeated the question a number of times...didnt get an answer out of him straight away. Eventually he said 'yes because its not normal to not have sex. everyone has sex'.
I then went on to say to him then that was dealbreaker for me. I coudlnt be with someone who would dump me because i woudlnt sleep with him soon enough. The next day he calls me syaing sorry and tht he will wait for me.
A week later, he puts the pressure on again. I dont think he was really sorry otherwise he would not of gone back to his original ways.
I keep telling him that the more he pressures me, the more it causes me to have doubt in his motives. And I feel like I cant trust him because he said he would break up with me if i dindt sleep with him. How am i ever supposed to get that trust back that i once had at the start?
Its always in the back of my mind.
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (11 September 2009):
This one's easy to respond to.
You have a certain set of pre-defined boundaries that he's well aware of. The reason why you have these boundaries is that you want to build up trust between you and him.
One of those boundaries aside from trust is HIS character, not yours.
Its clear that his character does not have the same boundaries as you expected. He's demanding, manipulating and disrespecting your boundaries.
You have two choices here. You can look at him and tell him that you love him, but that he's acting in ways that are breaking down your trust and confidence in him.
Tell him that you need him to start behaving differently, including respecting you. And that means waiting for the right time to have sex, whenever that is.
You have to tell him that trying to blackmail and manipulate you into sex will break up your relationship in the end because you'll start to resent him for pressuring you.
If he truly does love you, then he'll respect your boundaries and work on changing his behavior towards you. You can help him try and do this by giving him some positive support and reinforcement every time he listens to what you say.
Likewise, you need to work on trying to find ways to help him be happy without actually engaging in any form of sex until the time is right.
Doing things together and being happy and intimate outside of sex helps create the right conditions in the future.
But if he's just trying to use you for sex, it seems he's wasting his time and yours.
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (11 September 2009):
I agree whole heartedly with the first guy. he loves you? he will respect ur wishes. its not like ur saying u strictly want to wait till marriage just till yall have been together for awhile. I had a gf years ago said that to me. without getting explicit we were 2 seconds frm doing it when she said she wanted to wait. I was dissapointed but I said ok and put my clothes back on. I wud dump this dude. good for you holding out.
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reader, Illithid +, writes (11 September 2009):
I'm sorry to be blunt, really, but if he DID care, he WOULD wait. If he's pressuring you, and even using cliché lines like the old "if you love me" crap, he's only concerned about his own lust, not your love.
Tell him he has two choices: Dating you without sex, or leaving. If he cares so much about you, he'll stay. If he leaves, you can be sure he never really cared about anything but your body, and you deserve better than that.
If you DO try anything sexual (I advise against it for now), ask him to give you oral without anything in return. He says he only wants sex for YOUR benefit, right? Then he should have no problem going down on you for your pleasure with no return for him. He has to prove himself to you. You don't owe him anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): Why is he doing this? because he has no respect for you whatsoever and is trying to blackmail you into sleeping with him, and it's as simple as that. Like you say, if he loved you he'd respect you. He doesn't respect you so he can't love you.
It's a pity you love him, because he's not worthy of it. What to do? Stick to your guns and tell him if he wants sex to go and get it somewhere else because you're not going to be blackmailed into it. And say goodbye to him at the same time perhaps?
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