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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: So I have been seeing this guy for almost 6 months now. We got close very fast, and everything began so wonderfully. He always told me how beautiful he thought I was. I have a bit of a hard time accepting compliments, so we would kind of joke about it. I know I kind of asked for it so after a while he stopped giving them...one day out of insecurity I asked him what he thought about me. He got incredibly agitated, which I didn't understand. I was just having a shitty day and wanted to hear him say something good...well no he just got annoyed.I then kept asking him why he wouldnt just answer unless he has something negative to say. He then said you want the truth? "well you're verrry beautiful but ive seen better women". I was upset, because he is with me therefore he shouldn't compare me to others, nor did I ask for a comparison. A simple you are beautiful to me would have been all I wanted to hear. I know I am insecure...but that comment just made it worse.Later he told me he said it out of being annoyed and feeling cornered. He said he was annoyed that before I always dismissed his compliments, and that he does see me as very beautiful. He told me it wasn't true and he doesn't see anyone as more beautiful than me...because hes so in love with me. I will admit it sounded good but I felt maybe he was trying to save his ass...well after that things went downhill...he got some calls from a girl at 4 am when he was with me, and another at 2. Thing is I know hes always working, and very busy. I do not in away way think hes with that girl. I just got a little sad because shes from his past and when he said hes seen better women...perhaps shes one of them. I just feel like im this big web of insecurity. I know it isnt right...and to be honest its not like people tell me im ugly. I get told im beautiful all the time...everytime I go out. Ijust don't care becaues I want the man that I love to see me that way...not just a bunch of random people.On top of that yesterday we were arguing about something, and then we were fine again. Somehow plastic surgery came up, and i was talking about how i would feel fake if i did it. He was like yea u dont need it, you are so beautiful, and to be honest if you got a nose job...you would be way too beautiful. So i got upset because my nose is my insecurity...he got defensive saying I didn't say u need it, I said u would be too perfect if you got it. You would look like a robot. Anways we got in a discussion and it came out that he thhinks i dont maintain myself well. He said hes a perfectionist, and he doesn't like that sometimes i dont paint my nails, or take the time to wear my hair down. He also hates the way I dress because I tend to go for the classic look and wear a lot of black and darker colors. He basically wants a girl that makes her style very girly and stuff. He told me im very beautiful and I don't take advantage of it enough. It hurt me because he told me maybe I should ask other girls what to do,as if I don't know how to style myself. I am starting to think this guy is very superficial and it worries me. Yes he tells me im beautiful, but he secretly doesn't like to see me in sweats or with hair in ponytail when were home even? Everytime we go out I do put in the effort, and even at home I am no slob. I obviously bathe myself, smell nice, groom, I just like to be very casual at home many times. I will wear my hair up and everything. I feel like he is judging me, like I am not feminine enough or something. It hurts because you want the man you are with to love you no matter what. I do understand suggestions but they should be said a certain way...he just seemed so angry with me that I wasnt dressing that way or whatever. I don't know if my insecurity is driving me over the edge, or if hes completly out of line. I don't know how to fix this either...I just feel like I showed him my insecurity and now its in his head also.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): Well this is a tricky one. I agree with the other posters that you are really insecure.It can be very hard for a guy to constantly have to reassure his girlfriend how beautiful she is. In fact it is everybody's own responsibility to have agood self esteem and if necessary try and work on it.Believe me it can truly work one's last nerve if they have to do this job for someone else. Eventually it will lead to being unnerved and saying those thing your BF said.However I also think the way he acts in general is quite suspicious. If he only likes you when you are totally styled that suggest that he does not love you but his picture of the perfect woman.He does not seem to be interessted in you o much but rather in fulfilling this dream of a perfect woman.This could mean that he does not love you truly.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): I think you are right. You are always pointing out your "flaws" and insecurities and now they are in his head too...Nobody is perfect. You need to be more confident. I realise how hard that can be nowadays with the media and all. Constantly showing women as a piece of meat, showing the superficiality of our culture. Placing so much importance on a person's appearance and little focus on anything else. And those who are lacking strong values in their home life are even more susceptible to this phenonemon.
But let me tell you a secret. In general, a confident woman is WAY more attractive to a guy than a pretty girl with no self esteem. Have you ever seen that show on Bravo called The Millionaire Matchmaker? The matchmaker, this LA woman in her mid thirties. When I first saw her (talk about superficial) I remember thinking how unattractive I thought she was. She has this long black hair, big unproportioned nose, real big boned...not classically even cute by a long shot. Funny thing is, you watch the show, this woman is so frisky, so strong minded, so confident, so cool...this woman has got so much personality that she IS sexy! She is not perfect but she doesn't care. She has way too much going for her and to worry about than to focus on something so petty as that. And I haven't had one boyfriend or guy friend who hasn't said the same about her. Her personality makes her very attractive.
If you want your boyfriend to stop focusing on your flaws, then you need to stop focusing on them too. What do you have going for you in your life? Are you in school? Are you involved in hobbies? What are your goals and what are you doing to achieve them? If you could take that focus on your "imperfections" and instead put them towards something of more value such as your future, or perhaps getting involved in the community helping others now that Christmas time is coming, or developing a holisitic hobby such as painting, drawing, sports. Whatever floats your boat. Maybe that would do wonders to your self esteem.
Remember your looks are only going to last you for so long. Everybody gets old eventually and your face and body changes. So better appreciate it now and use it to your advantage and NOT against yourself. What are you going to have to fall back on when you get older and you no longer are as attractive? There is alot more to life than what you look like so better learn that early than too late.
If you take this obsession with your looks and focus it on something more constructive, I think not only will your attraction level increase immensely but you will feel alot better about yourself. Something to seriously consider...hope you do. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Red591  +, writes (19 December 2010):
 Well u are a but insecure and he is a bit superficial. Does he take the time to make himself llom good for u all the time? Doubt it. Men are so clueless and think photoshopped pics Nd women on tv all made up all the time are reality and they are not. If he doesn't think your beautiful unmade up then he is an idiot because all those things we girls do to doll ourselves up are kind of like little lies. My hair is not satin ( it a flat iron) my lips are not perfectly pink ( it's lipstick) my breasts don't sit under my chin ( it's a push up bra). If he thinks u are supposed to do all that every day so he can look at a lie, he's the idiot not u. I love to dress up but I would rather have a guy who loves me in my oversized t- shirt as much as he does my stiletto boots. However on a side note, learn how to take a compliment. Is someone says u look beautiful then say thank you and move on. Don't ask for compliments and don't shin them either. You bf kinda seems like a tool for that nose comment. He was a bit too specific with that.
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