A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone. I need some serious help with this. I'm sorry this is gonna be long but I need to start at the beginning of this story.Well. Last year I started dating this, what I thought, was an amazing guy. He and I had some real chemistry. But little did we know that our relationship would be so screwed up. First problem I had with him was that he didn't have any money so I paid for everything. The next problem was that I was embarrassed to take him anywhere. He was a punk, I was his girl but I didn't wear the same clothes everyday like he did. So. He also started a band... A clown band. That added to the embarrassment.Don't get me wrong I loved him. So so much... I still do. The third thing that he did that I hated was that it was all about sex. I stopped having sex with him after a while because it started to become painful, so... I guess we grew apart because I didn't even wanna try, and he would. Yeah, our relationship did depend on sex most of the time... But sometimes it could be much deeper.I feel like the biggest jerk in the whole world after what I did to him. He told me that he loved me... And I'd never tell him I loved him back... I tried to explain that I just couldn't. But the real reason was because I was scared to say it. He was my first love. He never knew that.So. I pushed him away... For months. I barely talked to him. But what he didn't know is that I was sick. I had an infection and didn't tell him. But we stopped hanging out. I found out on Facebook that he had gotten a new girlfriend and never said anything to me. So. That night I met up with one of his friends... He told me that for the past 4 months he had been cheating on me with 6 girls. I was heart broken. The day he turned 18 he went to the next town over every weekend to sleep with a 22 year old... When I heard this I broke down. I cried for a whole week. He dated one of the girls he cheated on me with. (They broke up last week. ) Then after his friend told me everything, we started dating. Now he's telling me that I shouldn't talk to my ex. Last week I found his old video game he let me borrow. I wanna give it back, apologize for being a bitch, and get my closure that I need. My boyfriend said that I can't see him. And if he finds out he'll be pissed. But. I dunno what to do! Last night I went into town with some friends, and he was there. He was across the street, and walked over to where i was. He stood, literally, 5 feet away from me and talked to my one friend. Does that mean he misses me?I just need closure... Should I text him and give back his video game? Then just say sorry for everything? I never wanna date him again, he's slept with so many girls, there's no way I wanna sleep with him again after that... But maybe just be friends?Advice?This isn't the full story there's much much more to it. I just shortened it. Please don't remind me of how much a terrible person I am. I feel horrible enough. I just wanna say I'm sorry.
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female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (8 May 2012):
 We understand what position your in. We're just calling out the part you're in denial about.
Your mind is made up of what you're going to do. You want to rekindle something with your ex. Just don't expect it to be much since he cheated on you in the first place.
And just because he grew up in an unstable home isn't an excuse for his cheating ways. Don't try to make excuses for him, when there is none. He's how old? The guy is responsible for his own actions and behavior.
Lastly, just out courtesy, I would dump your current boyfriend. He's going to ditch you once he finds out you went behind his back.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2012): I stick by what I originally said and am now even more convinced of how bad an idea this is.
Everything you say is a contradiction, you really don't want him back? Then why do you sound so desperate to see him? And I mean desperate, "just to sniff his hair one more time" level of emotion.
OP you're not going to convince us or yourself that you don't want him back because you do. You are way too emotionally invested in guy still and you're so desperate just to see him in the flesh one more time, just look at how you talk about him.
When we point out flaws in the logic of what you propose you try a different approach. Yet the more you talk about him the more obvious it is you're looking for an olive branch from him with this game as an excuse so you can work your way back in to his heart.
"see what happens from there" Come on OP. At least admit it to yourself if you're not going to admit it to us and if you still think you don't want him back then please read over all your posts again and read between the lines. Stop lying to yourself at least or when you do see him again your feelings will bite you on the ass.
I mean you even called the other woman he was seeing as whore. She doesn't deserve that, she doesn't even know you and the real villain of the piece, the person who did actually fuck you over and the real whore is the guy you are so desperate to apologise to so you can win him back.
"Really, really don't" yeah right pull the other one it has bells on it.
You are in for one nasty ass surprize when you go through with this OP. If there's one way to ensure you never get over someone it's to keep going back them finding lots of stupid little excuses. This time it's the game, next time it will be because you want to wish him luck with an exam, or tell him some news etc.
You see OP it's never a good sign when someone puts so much thought, time and effort into someone who not only is bad for them, is incompatible with them but also cheated and only had a relationship based on sex in which he physically hurt you to the point where you had to stop.
I mean how can expect any of us not to tell you that you're crazy? You're living in a fantasy, you remember the feeling and not the reality of this guy and you want to feed that and think that somehow that will get rid of the feeling?
It won't, that's like a heroin junkie taking a hit just to get rid of the urge to take it, it only makes that urge even stronger once they come down. You're addicted and obsessed OP and when you go through with this which you so obviously will then don't expect anything less than a complete reset of your feelings of hurt all the way back to when you first broke up.
As for your current boyfriend he's an idiot and deserves everything he gets when you tear his heart out because he knew what happened between you and your ex and he still thought he could win that battle.
Good luck OP, I've known plenty of people like you in my time and they find it so hard to move on, they can take years pining for the worst kind of person, a douche of an ex who used them and/or cheated on them and yet somehow it's their very worst ex that they pine for the most. It's the one that hurt them the most profoundly that they will not let go and it destroys all their other relationships because they just say they don't want to get back with them yet they pine, they schemes, they plot to get just one more conversation, just one more glance.
I wish you well, you're walking right into a world of hurt here and if he decides the friendship thing is a good idea you're fucked.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (8 May 2012):
I think you have the past and present mixed up. This is what happens when we constantly recycle the past. You want us to understand the story and I can appreciate that. I still think it is a bad idea. Closure isn't an excuse to find out if someone still misses you...that defeats the point of closure. He's only important to you because of the past...he's not with you nor does he talk to you any more so how can he still be important? The reason why I say, and many of us say that this is not a good idea is because you don't seem to know exactly what you want. It is better to sort out your emotions first before performing these elaborate plans you have to re-connect with your ex. Plus, you may be even susceptible to more lies from either party and you can't distinguish between the truth or lie. This is our advice. I am sure it is tormenting you still, so the choice is and always will be yours. You can go for it. Whether you do it or not, isn't important but just understand why you are doing it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. You're right. I think about him very unnaturally. No, I don't feel the same way about my boyfriend now than my ex. But I'm just dying to know if my ex misses me even an ounce. That's all I'd really like to know. And I don't know why, but my ex's ex (the one he's cheated on me with) has been trying to get together with him again. (So I'm told) and it makes me so angry! Like, I'm very very jealous.Here's how they met... She's a whore. She's a dancer at a club. How did he peak an interest in her? She took her top off while she was dancing for him. His closest friends told me that she's hideous and not right for him. But what's done is done.Am I just being overprotective? And jealous? I don't want to be with him, really I really really don't. But I want him to do better than me. I want the best for him.So. Why don't I just shoot him a text and say, "Hey. I've got your video game. I don't want it here anymore. Do you still want it?" If he says no then I'll take it as him not wanting to talk to me and I'll leave it at that. If he says yes then I'll say, "Do you want to come here and get it? Or I can make arrangements for someone to give it to you, or what?" If he doesn't want to come get it, then I'll have his friends give it to him. Then I'd be done with him. If he wants to come get it, I'll lay it on my porch, and I'll sit in my porch chair which is, at least, 10 feet away from the stairs. If he grabs it and goes I'll just be happy that I saw him. If he talks to me then I'll just get my apology out and see what happens from there.Is that a better approach? I know it's not right to talk to him. But I just would like to see if he cares. And why should I care if he does or doesn't? Because he's still important to me. You could ask anyone who knows us. They'd tell you how inseparable we were. Even my boyfriend said he thought we'd get married. I just can't move on. Not yet.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 May 2012):
 It sounds like you have already made your mind up and are just in serach of some Aunt who will say yey, wonderful idea.
That Aunt won't be me , though. I stll think that's a very bad idea, that if you spend all this time mulling over the ex , you should not even be with the new one, that you are stirring up in your mind lot of unnnecessary drama : people get together-people don't get along- people break up, that's all , very simple and normal; that there are dozens of people more suitable like hang out buddies than an ex, with whom you had a ,basically, just sexual relationship ; that if the videogame is BURNING in your hands you can have your bf call him or email him to know where he wants the game sent to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly.
You really don't know the exact story. I'm leaving so much out. Before my ex and I dated, we were really close friends. Sure, we had a crush on each other, but we were still friends for 5 months before we dated. We did everything together. He was so sweet. But he had baggage. His mom wasn't exactly the purest flower in the garden, and his dad was a druggie and walked out when he was 7. So, he was pretty messed up. And his view on relationships were... Not exact. His mom had her... "friends" over at their house every night since Josh was 10. Not to mention her mom had my ex when she was 18.
Well, maybe the feeling of love was replaced by my feeling of missing him. Yes, I want to move on so bad... But I want to say sorry first. You have to understand how horrible I feel for being so mean to him. After all. I ignored him for months. Barely hung out with him... Sure I had my reasons. But I just treated him so badly, I'd just like to say sorry.
I don't want to rekindle anything. I really don't. I thought long and hard if that were actually my intention... But it's not. After what he did to me, I knew he wasn't the one for me. I'd just like to (maybe) be friends. I'm not looking for a best friend, just someone I can be with if I need to hangout.
But. I'm also very confused. My boyfriend now has been telling me things like, "He's changed, he hates you, he talked behind your back all the time, he was just using you." but... It's weird, because my ex never would do something like that. He treated me better than my current boyfriend. For example, my boyfriend was supposed to come into my work to visit me during my break, he never showed. My ex would've, and HAS been there right on time. But my boyfriend said last night, (this is the point that confuses me) "He loved you. You were all he ever talked about. He was obsessed with you." So does that mean my boyfriend lied to me this whole time? I also asked my friend what he thought about why my ex would walk over and choose to be so close to me. He said, "With guys, it's all about pride. He wants you to break." Is that accurate? Also my ex's best friend said to my face that with him, "it's all about pride". Meaning when he couldn't be proud to be with me, he found someone else.
I can't just mail the game back, he moved out. I don't know where he lives now.
Is it bad if I ask if he wants it back? My boyfriend wants the game... But that game isn't his... I don't want him to have it.
Please help, and try to understand the position I'm in.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 May 2012):
Poor new boyfriend. Does he wear a T shirt with " I am a rebound " written on ? He should.
Closure ? what closure do you want ?, you had closure. He cheated on you, he got a new gf, you got a new bf. The story IS closed.
You don't want closure, you want to sniff around him to see if you can reawaken some interest . Just friends ?
But if you said the relationship was mostly about sex ! It does not sound like you had so many deep, meaningful exchanges, it was a skin thing- surely not the base for a good friendship. Besides, the first thing a friend should be, is someone you can trust, someone who is loyal to you. A guy that cheated on you with 6 different girls is not the poster child for loyalty,so probbaly not much friend material.
But you know all that , I think. and you know that you haven't done anything so horrible to him. He's young, you are young, your energies/personality did not mesh , you tried to make it work, it did not. Vert typical normal undramatic young love story.
Send him back his video game by mail, if it's so important, then file him definitely under " Ex Boyfriends ". As for the new one, I'd think long and hard if I am willing and ready to be in a relationship with him as he deserves- with all my heart and attention on him. And if I am not, I'd have him take the rebound T shirt off and let him go free .
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (6 May 2012):
Call me crazy, but shouldn't you have gotten this "closure" before you started dating your current boyfriend? You know close that chapter of your life and start fresh with the guy you have now.
Why are you trying to backtrack and reopen this can of worms that should've been nailed shut??
I echo Cerebus in your deluded thinking that you two are going to carry on this newfound friendship. Don't kid yourself, you stated in your post that you still love him. Also, you're using this game as an excuse to gain "closure". The window of opportunity for closure (if you wanted actual closure) has already expired.
MY ADVICE (if you don't pay attention to the rest):
Don't give him the game, instead give it to Goodwill and unload the rest of his items lingering at your house. So you have no reason to seek "closure" again. Then carry on with your boyfriend and move forward with your life. That's my honest advice.
Somehow I'm thinking that's not what you want to hear and you're going to go ahead and meet up with your ex to rekindle something. Whatever he'll give in you return, friendship, FWBs, probably not a relationship. BUT, be prepared for your current boyfriend to dump you for against his wishes.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (6 May 2012):
Firstly, don't ever let anyone tell you who you can or cannot talk to. At the same time you have to understand yourself and how life has changed so much.
My advice would be to just move on. I don't think you are ready for closure. You still seem quite emotionally attached. On one hand you may feel better, but on the other, the things he tells you or doesn't tell you may cause extra drama into your life even though you have somewhat moved on. Give it more time and just try to move on. Maybe there will come a time but it certainly does not have to be face to face.
Anyway, I don't mean to poke at fire but it seems strange that your bf knew all these things about your ex and now you are with him? Seems suspicious to me and to top it, he doesn't want you to talk to your ex. Hope your new bf didn't lie about the things he told you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2012): Sorry OP but you're completely deluded if you really think you want to see him for closure.
You're in love with him still and want him back in your life. You want to reconcile with him not get closure.
Closure is sending "listen sorry for how things happened I hope you have a great life" on Facebook, then blocking his profile.
Your new boyfriend is a total idiot, I would run a mile from you, seriously only a couple of weeks ago you cried for an entire week? You need to reread your post and seriously consider how apologizing to him and having back in your life as friend is going to work for you. That's not closure, that's fuelling your fire.
Listen do the new guy a favour and if he doesn't already know all the details of this then let him read your post. He needs to know he's a rebound and he's fighting a war he can't win.
You don't need closure, you need to move on and that's not going to happen while you are so eager just to be near this lying cheat.
"I just wanna say I'm sorry."
No, no you don't. You want him even though you know it would be a horrible idea so you're lying to yourself and telling yourself "I'll just see him one last time, just one more hit and I won't want it anymore."
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