A
female
age
36-40,
*onfused182
writes:My younger sister is pregnant and lately I've been getting broody. I'm 21 and not ready for kids yet but in the next 10 years I would like to have a kid.I asked my boyfriend of 3 years, rhetorically speaking, what would we do if I got pregnant. He said that if I kept the baby, he'd move me out of the house and we'd be finished. I was shocked to say the least.I'm absolutely terrified that I'm making a huge mistake in staying with him as he is currently in the process of buying a house so that we can live together alone and I don't want to end up a homeless single mum should I get pregnant.I can't believe that he could saying something so cruel and cold and I keep hoping that he'll change his mind in a few years time but I know he won't. I'm really stuck on what to do - stay with him or leave him. I don't want to end up resenting him.The thing is, I've been living within him and his parents for two years and I wouldn't be able to move back home as I have four younger brothers and sisters who all live at home and my pregnant sister's boyfriend. There's just no room for me.I don't have the credit or money to private rent and the council house waiting list is over two years long. I'm stressing and its starting to affect me at work. My friends have started to notice I'm constantly worried and I'm always a second away from bursting into tears.I think I'm depressed as for the last couple of months all I've wanted to do is sit in a dark room alone and cry. Nothing makes me happy anymore and once I even contemplated suicide. I can't talk to my boyfriend about this because he thinks depression is a myth and doesn't want to understand. My mum has her own worries to deal with and my friends disappear at the first sign of trouble. I'm on my own.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Ok well the depression and the issue with your boyfriend are 2 separate things - I am almost certain that you do not feel depressed all because your boyfriend made one comment to you. Feeling suicidal, like you want to cry all the time, stress and anxiety...these are all symptoms of clinical depression and you need to seek help from a doctor. This is not an illness that will go away by talking to your boyfriend or family, this is something you need professional help for. So please, see your doctor and explain how you have been feeling - they will be able to help you.
As for your boyfriend, my thoughts are that he said that because he is not ready for a child and probably assumed you meant what would happen if you got pregnant NOW. So dont think he is this cruel, heartless person, he just reacted in a way that most men do when they are scared - by saying categorically NO to the idea and pushing it completely out the window.
But what you do need to do is talk to him. Sit down with him and say "look, that comment you made about finishing me if we had a baby scared me a lot and I would like to talk about it." Then go on to say "I would like children within the next 10 years, I am not ready for a child yet but in a few years I will start to think about it. I want children, but my question is do you want children one day in the future?" Make sure you are very clear about it being in the "future" and not for a number of years, otherwise he will get on the defensive.
Then move on to saying "Before we move in together I just want to make sure we share the same values and ideas for our future, there is no point living together if we do not want the same things. I love you and I would like a family with you, but before I make such a huge step by moving in with you I need to be sure about this".
He hopefully wont be uspet or annyoed by this, you are just being mature and sensible. All couples need to talk about marriage and kids at some point, there is no point in going blindly into a serious commitment like moving in together to find out you want totally different things.
I am pretty sure that if you asked him "what would we do if I got pregnant" that just rang alarm bells in his head, he will have noticed you getting broody about your sisters pregnancy so for him to hear you talking about babies will have been a massive red flag, scaring him big style! He will think you are trying to trap him, getting pregnant as soon as you get a house together so he is stuck with a baby at a young age. Most men (assuming he is your age) in their early 20's are completely freaked out by the idea of kids and dont want them until their late 20's/early 30's, so dont be too surprised by his reaction.
You went down the line of "what if I got pregnant" but what you need to figure out is "do you want kids". These are 2 very different questions, asking him if he wants kids in the future will not be anywhere near as scary because you are not implying to him it could happen tomorrow. Whereas saying "what if I got pregnant" that sounds like you could get pregnant right away and cheat him out of his youth!
I am sure if you talk about this sensibly and calmly you will find that he actually does want kids one day and would not leave you as a single mum providing you actually wait until you are both ready for kids. There is a small chance he may say "I'm sorry but I never want children and this is not something I will change my mind about" - then at least you know you are not compatible and your future paths are taking you in different directions.
So make sure you talk to him, dont get angry and accuse him of being cruel because he wasnt being deliberately cruel, he was just scared and being a typical male. And also make sure you visit your doctor, I think you need to talk to someone about your depression.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Oh dear :(
With four brothers and sisters who love you, you're never alone. A great thing about family is they're there when you need them.
Your boyfriend doesn't sound very nice! It could be that he's scared that if you got pregnant you'd have to get married etc etc, your pregnancy would tie him to you. That's still no excuse for saying something so cold.
He's saying he'll leave you if you get pregnant, and you can't talk to him about how upset you are. Relationships don't work properly if the two of you can't/don't communicate.
It's good that you don't want to worry your Mum; but if it's getting to the point where you're staying with this guy so you're not homeless, she'd probably want to know about it. Put your name on the council house waiting list and talk to your Mum about moving back home, offer to pay as much rent as you can afford and sleep on the couch if you have to. Maybe talk to your friends and ask if you can stay with them for a while, if they're proper friend they'll be there for you when you need them.
This guy sounds no good for you. You're 21, you should be having fun and enjoying yourself! Not feeling depressed and suicidal.
I hope things work out for you. And please, I know sometime it feels like there's no other way out, but suicide is never the answer.
Good luck
xxxx
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