A
female
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anonymous
writes:My bf was recently telling me how a friend of his broke up with his gf because she was cutting herself. I was shocked that someone could break up with someone they are supposed to love when they need them so much. I was even more shock to hear my bf say he would do the same if he was in that situation. This makes me have doubts about our relationship. Although I dont cut myself, I would like to know that if i ever was to have issues, or go through something bad or hurt myself that he would be there to support me, not run away because he cant deal with it or just doesnt want to. What do you think this means? Do you think maybe hes just emotionally immature or just not a caring/sensitive person?If i had bf who cut himself I would do everything in my power to help him and i would def not dump him, as i think at a time like that, they need you most. This is making me think maybe i dont wanna be with him if thats what hes like. What do you think? Would anyone else here dump there bf/gf if they did something bad like cut thereself?p.s. me and my bf are both 19 years old.
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female
reader, arncute  +, writes (2 May 2011):
i think we are at the same situation. here short story why he dump me.my fiance dumped me just a couple of days only he is from las vegas and im from Philippines he is 48 and im 23...we are together for 4years and 4 months already..its kind a hurt for me now thats why i looked for some forum and i found this so i think i can share you what i really felt about all of this.he supporting me also and he send me at school..and last year he ask me to marry him while he is in u.s so i told him yes i want him to be part of my life forever thats why i said yes...then he get me a fiance visa so i can be with him in u.s and marry him there.after processing all of the paper and interview i got my visa just last april 28 2011...at the interview i found out that he is married before but he didnt tell me that for a long time...but its okey for me if he is married before..then when we got home he said that im not going to u.s anymore all of the sudden he change his mind and break up with me cos he said i need to be more mature and be more confident to my self when some one ask for this or that...the worst thing that i found out is he told to his sister that im just a big problem to him...so i talk to him about that..he said that he dont want to be embarrassed and disrespect some people there in u.s when i get there cos im not really good in english..
A
female
reader, Allana  +, writes (17 November 2009):
Oh I'm sorry but I have to reply to this in order to correct the bullshit being spouted by people who know so much about cutting without ever having cut themselves. Just before I answer your question can I just mention that people who injure themselves deliberately CAN change, DO change and they don't need lots of medication or therapy to do so. Speaking merely for myself, I quit within a month or so and all that needed to change was someone in my life being supportive. And that happened to be my boyfriend. The attitude shown here that people who cut themselves will always cut themselves is entirely wrong and merely helps perpetuate the negative views people have towards self-injury. That said, Irish is correct. People are generally superficial when dating and are unable to see beyond the razor blade and the blood to the person underneath. Their loss, generally. Now onto your question... coming to this having cut myself for years, I can absolutely see why you're having doubts about him and I'd say its a combination of immaturity and insensitivity. Would he be so callous if he found out his mother was cutting herself I wonder? I would pursue this with him very seriously to find out exactly why he'd run for the hills but I think at 19 he's just unwilling to contemplate being with someone who wouldn't be 'easy' to be with. As for a person who said that only friends are meant to support you... that's just weird. Who should be picking up the pieces after a miscarriage, the friends or the partner? Haha, just saw how old this topic is :p
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female
reader, love-him +, writes (28 February 2008):
 HEY!!
Men get uncomfortable around things like this because they don't know how to react. I am so glad that you dont do this because it becomes an addiction to many, including me (i got myself out of it). I'd say forget about it and just dont do it and you wont need to find out his reaction. Many men would decide to end the relationship, not because of lack of care, but because they loved you too much to see you go through it..
GOOD LUCK!! Feel free to mail me at any time x x
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female
reader, jenna34  +, writes (26 February 2008):
Guys get uncomfortable if you even cry and especially if they can't make you happy. I think they can still like an immature girl if she is fun and positive and makes them feel good. You want your boyfriend to be there like a mother would and that's not his job and you wouldn't like him or be attracted to him if he was like that. Your girlfriends are who you go to for that type of support and your boyfriend is supposed to be a complement to your life. You are never going to feel fully loved if this is what you expect from guys.
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female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 well while your hurt by his potential lack of support, you are not realising that by saying your not sure you wanna be with him is similar. he made this comment in passing and for all you know there may be some underlying issues behind that. he might have also said that because the thought of you doing that would hurt him too much and he doesnt know if he'd be able to handle that. i do see where your coming from in the way that ppl that are in that place need all the support they can get, but you have to understand that the people that have to deal with it also need support. if you love him, and you dont hurt yourself, then dont dump him for him not supporting something that you dont need. another thing is, when someone you love is cutting themselves, there is nothing you can do to stop it or help them, how hard is that? think about his reasons aswell. but in all fairness if its not an issue then i dont see why your making it one.
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (25 February 2008):
 Irish you are so right about having the choice of being with someone who has emotional issues. I lived with a guy for 7 years, who is a manic depressive. One minute he is happy and we do fun things together, the next the slightest thing would trigger off his depression eg if he bought a garnment in a store and he wasn't sure if he liked it, he would keep asking for reassurance if it suited him. I tried my utmost to say, I liked it, but then he would go on and on and on till it wore me out. Then he used to get me to travel to the otherside of London to get a refund. Also he was very arguementitive and would start rows over something completely trivial. It got to a stage where I was treading on egg shells in order to keep the peace. Then one day I had enough and walked out on him, it was the best day of my life as I was always on edge.
Now four years later I am very independant and have a great job which I enjoy and good friends, which I never had when I was with him. I felt that he was to co-dependant on me and I felt suffocated by him. He ripped every shred of confidence I had when I was with him.
I think it takes allsorts of people to be very supportive with whatever emotional problems their partners have. One can only be as supportive as they possibly can, if their partners are willing to get help with their problems.
Dusky xxx.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I think part of being a mature adult is being able to chose to make adult decisions about love and whom to love....and having the wisdom to know what is yours to change and what you have no power to change.
Your boyfriend has more wisdom in these matters and more maturity than you do I am afraid.
Someone who cuts themselves or self mutilates is suffering from a mental disorder....these psychological disorders are not life threatening but they are a part of the person's mental makeup and are not easily changed, the people in their lives that care, cannot effect a change in their behavior, nor is in their responsibility to heal them through caring, it doesn't work, it doesn't help the person who cuts....only they can change themselves through therapy and lots of medication, and then they have to have the self awareness or insight to change which is highly unlikely or they wouldn't do it in the first place, it is a disease not unlike diabetes, something that they live with.
A mature emotionally healthy adult is able to chose for themselves if they want to live in this dysfunction with this person and if they are healthy will usually not chose to do so....as being there for them is enabling them with their addiction to self harm.....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I am going to try to explain this to you as compassionately as possible. People who 'cut themselves' have bigger problems and many of them require professional help. Some of them do this because of alcohol/drug abuse problems. Some people cut because of deep emotional pain, depression, bipolar disorder, eating disorders, obsessive thinking, or compulsive behaviors. I have to be blunt. Your bf said this because there is a diverse array of people out there, that one can date, without having to deal with these problems. Men and many women would not want to date someone who has emotional issues.. People usually want to date someone who does not bring their baggage into a relationship and does not drag their partner down into their own world of despair. Respect for how a person conducts their life, their self-love, their confidence is a crucial part of love. And once you lose respect for a person who is struggling in life, it's hard to view that person, in a loving way. All that causes is pain, anger, bitterness and frustration for the healthier partner. So you have to view this from your bf's stance. You both are just 19 years old... and he understands that dating is a selection process. While I feel for this girl who is 'cutting' herself, her emotional problems need immediate resolve before she should even date. anyone else. Why drag another person life into one' s emotional problems? We always, always bring the best of ourselves into a love relationship.And your bf is thinking, why waste your time on someone who doesn't have the purpose, the goal to be healthy or the personal courage to helping themselves. You date to finding the one person who would make the best, possible person for your life and future. You don't know the complexities and anxieties this couple faced together, with her emotional problems. It could have been a major wedge in this relationship. Maybe her bf tried to get her help and she didn't want it. To some people, emotional and mental health problems, would be a 'love and relationship' killer right then and here. The majority of people in life want to date others, who are healthy, confident, vibrant and can cope with life, in the most best way possible. Just because a couple find love, they have to always remember to bring the very best of themselves to a relationship...or that love could be lost., in an instant. So is your bf insensitive? Not really. He just knows what he wants in a healthy relationship and this would not be something he could handle. In effect, he has the right like everyone else, to want what's best for his life. Selfis? No...just smart.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (25 February 2008):
You have asked a good question and I think there are two things you need to consider.
1) I am glad that you do not cut yourself, and you are correct that if a person had that type of behaviour then they certainly do need good friends to help them through.
2) All people have limits of what they can cope with. Most people go through life never knowing what these limits are. Of course if you are lucky enough to know then you can take positive action to make sure that you never strain the limits and put yourself in a situation you cannot handle.
If you take both of the above points, the result is two possibilities that I can see. Either your boyfriend has shown that he does not want to help in such a situation and is therefore more of a fair weather friend. Or that he knows within himself that the situation you described is one he could not cope with and that what he said is just a bad way of expressing that self knowledge.
Given his (and your) age, I rather expect that he does not have the depth of character to genuinely help a girlfriend in serious emotional need and support. I may well be misjudging him and hope that I am. But experience tells me that it is likely that you would be better off with a guy you knew you could rely on even when it all goes wrong. When you are in the middle of bad times is not the time to find out that your significant other cannot be relied on to support you.
I wish you every success in the future and do not hesitate to ask questions or talk to people.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 February 2008):
 Why are you worrying about something that hasn't happened and may never happen. Actions speak louder than words. If you hare happy in your relationship right now you shouldn't go borrowing trouble. If there is a crisis later on see how he reacts, that will be the true test.
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A
female
reader, rose the relationship solver +, writes (25 February 2008):
 Hey there it seams your bf has issues about you hurting yourself try talking to him about it, im sure he loves you. Good luck
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male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (25 February 2008):
 if you had a bf, who did cut him self. There is Nothing in your power you can do.
if you do not know people who cut, then this is going to be hard for you to understand and the likely outcome is that you will never understand it.
the funny part of this is that you say :
"I would like to know that if i ever was to have issues, or go through something bad or hurt myself that he would be there to support me, not run away because he cant deal with it"
But you're unwilling to support him.
"This is making me think maybe i dont wanna be with him"
so.. Really.. you're just as bad as he is. which explains why you're dating.
people cut for their own unique reasons. i don't do it. but i do understand it. its not something that can be explained it is an overwleming flood of emotions and errational thoughts that in the moment make perfect sence and non-sence.
i have a freind who does it and i love her dearly. there is nothing i can do to stop her. and she will never change.
if you are in a relationship with someone who cuts, it is hopeless to think you can change them. instead you must either sit and watch or scream out at them from behind a bedroom door while they do it.
you could argue if they loved you.. they would stop.
So the big question, that you now have to ask yourself lil miss good-two-shoes. Are you going to dump him because he couldn't stand the fact that someone he loved is slicing into their skin and they won't let him help or stop them.
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