A
female
age
41-50,
*hell400
writes:My boyfriend of 7 months is a raging alcoholic and I dont know what to do. I did not know that it was this bad until recently.He is always putting his friends and his drinking before me. The other night he called me and said that he was on his way over, then I didnt hear from him for 25 hours. I called the hospital, the jail, his mothers looking for him. I was extremely worried. When he finally did show up, with a bloody and bruised face, he yelled at me for bothering to look for him and told me that he was a grown man and could take care of himself.He goes out drinking 4-5 nights a week. He has blown me off numerous times to go out drinking with his friends even though we have already made plans. He gets so drunk at night that in the morning when it is time for him to go to work, half the time he calls in. (He lost his last job because of this)There have been times that he did not go and pick up his children on the weekends due to the fact that he would rather go out drinking and partying with his friends. He also gets so crazy drunk at times that he will call me names, call his 2 children names, speak horribly to the children and myself, break up with me and then the next morning he acts like none of it never happened. His alcoholism is also affecting our sex life. If he drinks 2-3 drinks then he cannot function in the bedroom. We havent had sex in weeks because he would rather drink than to stay sober for an evening. I gave him an AA book and also a list of meeting times in our area. I have even offered to go with him to the meetings so that he has support. I beg him not to drink. I try to bribe him not to drink. I just dont know what to do anymore....I am a 31 year old, beautiful, professional, intelligent woman and I just feel like I fell in love with the wrong guy. I cant let him go because I feel like I would be abandoning him and his children when he obviously needs help but at the same time, I feel like I deserve better. I want a family someday and children of my own. I dont know if I will ever be able to have that with him.What do I do? HELP!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 November 2009):
 Oh dear. I'm very sorry to report this: love does not conquer all. Your love of him will not save him from his disease. I know this from bitter firsthand experience.
I lost my best friend to this disease a little over 3 years ago. She would have been turning 50 this December. She died of alcoholism, I don't know exactly what the cause of death is, but she had been drinking heavily for years.
All the tough love, all the cajoling, bargaining, begging, deal-making, letter-writing, nothing had any effect. I even told her she couldn't be in my wedding if she was still drinking. Guess what. She was, so she didn't get the dress. She had a husband who loved her dearly, who tolerated all this (perhaps because he had alcoholics in his family?), who watched her slowly turn into a shadow of her lovely vibrant funny smart self. It is a tragedy and we all did what we could do to prevent it. It happened anyway.
He's never been the same. He hasn't started dating, lives alone still (they had no children, thankfully) and I doubt he will ever fully recover.
You don't need to do this. You are not going to be able to save him. He has to WANT to be saved.
This is such a crappy disease, because it robs the people who have it of their wits, their realization that they they are killing themselves can't happen because they are drunk all the time. Or if they start to think about it when they are sober, they quickly self-medicate with a fifth of vodka or beer or whatever his poison is.
Irish gave you great advice about him and his children. You MUST tell the mother of the children; she needs to know so they are safe. This is not an option. If she knows already, so be it, but don't think that this is some secret you need to keep for him. Not when there are children involved.
I would seriously advise you to distance yourself from him, he sounds as though he isn't interested or can't admit that he needs help. Sad as it is to say, you aren't enough to save him. I can't tell you what is enough, but some people do indeed drink themselves to death, and you do NOT want to an intimate witness to that. Trust me on this.
In this case, it is okay to think with your head, not your heart. Take care.
A
female
reader, jkobeska +, writes (18 November 2009):
Okay you need to strap on your big girl panties and leave this loser! You do not want to have children with this man. He is horrible! He cares nothing for your needs, He cares nothing for his own children's need and nothing should ever top that love. I have dated an alcoholic before I married my husband. He would do a lot of the same things. Like you he had a child that I was very attached to I did not want to leave the little boy. Although you love him and the kids there is nothing you can do but wait for him to grow up or die of liver failure. He wants to drink himself to death let him. One day while he is gone pack your stuff and leave. Explain when he is sober why you feel the way you do and that things need to change or else your gone. I would honestly tell him if he can go half a year without drinking you will talk to him again. This is what I did and I had had it so I stayed gone. Finally I met my husband and remembered what is was like to be with a sweet caring man. One that would notice if you took extra care into looking good. One that said he loved you daily and gave you loving affection. Feeling loved and needed is something everyone needs to feel happy I know I do.. and this guy is not doing that.
His children are not your concern. You can't be a martyr. That's not fair to you. If your a 31 year old, beautiful, professional, intelligent woman and then it is time to start acting like it leave him!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2009): An alcoholic, like your fiancee can totally disrupt family life and cause harmful effects that can scar for a lifetime. His own children are going to be terribly wounded by his alcoholism if something isn't done quickly. Call the children's mother, let her know ishis drinking has gotten out of control, and that you have deep concerns about the well being of her children's emotional well being. These children are counting on the adults in their life, to take charge of their safety and well-being. If you allow this man to further degrade his kids, you are also culpable for any abuse, they could suffer from not protecting in a psychologically damaging situation. Though it may be difficult for you, your awareness makes you a critical link to these kid's future as well as your own. Speak up for those kids--today!
After this is done, then think long and hard here. Your fiancee has refused help for his alcoholism. You need to consider cutting your losses now, rather than falling prey to the ongoing ramifications of this disease. Once, you are out of there, please start preparing to getting as much outside support, for yourself, as you can. The healing and recovery process for you will take a long time. You may need counseling, Consider it, Look after yourself here. You've been hurt and his disease has affected your strength, your resolve and I can only imagine how his unthinking treatment of you has taken you down into the emotional depths of despair.
You don't deserve this and your fiancee needs help. But if he will not get it, you need to be concerned about the erosion of your own confidence and self-esteem. These are the inevitable results of living in an unhealthy, dysfunctional environment. The good news is that you are recognizing these effects, now and you are reaching out for help. The bad news is that things are not likely to get better without him getting some treatment for the alcoholism. My heart is with you, dear...please save yourself and help those kids!
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (18 November 2009):
My question to you is why are you even with him?Why would you jepodize your life with this waste of time? It's not your battle to help this guy (clown) when he doesn't want to help HIMSELF. If you claim to be intelligent, professional, and beautiful etc, you're not showing that right now."Leave"
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