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female
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anonymous
writes: I moved in with my boyfriend 6 months ago. So, maybe i'm too idealistic, but our pattern has gotten me down. I go to bed, he stays up and masturbates to porn on my computer, thinks he erases it from the history, (but isn't as computer literate as I), and passes out on the couch. On the rare occation he does go to bed with me, their is absolutely no contact, at all. Even after the rare occations we do have sex, he pecks my cheek afterwards and that is that. I'm getting tired of it. We are not married. Am i too idealistic?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2005): This is what I have learned: Please ask yourself, "Is this the kind of relationship you would like to find yourself in?" Would this be a suitable relationship for your mother? Would you like for your daughter to be in such a relationship? If you answer no, then let's fix it! Take time for yourself, consider what you do desire, write down how you feel you deserve to be treated. We all are worthy of a special, caring partnership. You are, too! Once you clearly state what you will and will not stand for in a relationship, ask for a moment of your man's time. When you have clearly mapped out your interests within this , or any, relationship calmly state: You have something on your mind that you would like to share. It has come to your attention that he prefers to share himself with the computer at night, rather than share himself with you. This is not what you expect from your union. If he desires a cold, one-way partner on a screen, perhaps you are not the one for him. State your preferences regarding pornography. Based on his response, you choose to tolerate the treatment, or not. This is a useful problem solving pattern: 1)Stand up for yourself. Clearly state the problem, your feelings, possible solutions/compromises. If the disrespectful behavior continues, 2) Reiterate your stance. Perhaps the first time wasn't entirely clear. 3)If the behavior continues, make the decision to either tolerate, or leave to treat yourself better!
Here is a helpful article for you:
To build a healthy, strong and satisfying relationship, you need to take a more balanced, thoughtful approach to discussing your problems. Here is a short guide to getting your relationship talks on track:
Talk Before You're Furious
In a healthy relationship, both partners communicate before an issue makes them really upset. (That means avoiding all forms of stewing, festering and harboring anger!) As a couple, promise each other that you'll bring problems to light right off the bat. Understand that discussing a concern is not treacherous or unloving but quite the opposite; it's proof that you two love each other enough to work hard at solving your issues.
Set the Ground Rules
No one wants to feel as if he or she is being bullied or lectured to, so make a rule that each of you speaks your peace and then gives the other person time to reply. If you want a real shot at solving a problem, both of you need to feel that the other person is listening.
Stick to the Issue
When you start the conversation, stick with the problem you want to discuss; don't unload everything that's bothering you. If you try to solve every little issue, from your mismatched libidos to his less-than-admirable housekeeping habits, you'll solve nothing — and your partner will feel bushwhacked.
Make Time to Talk
Set a time for your conversation. If you jump into your discussion off the cuff, when you're feeling raw and emotional, the conversation will likely take many hurtful turns. On the other hand, if you know when the discussion is going to take place, each of you can be emotionally prepared and figure out what it is that's really bothering you and how to communicate it respectfully.
Be Positive
Say what's bothering you, explain why it's troubling, and offer suggestions about what might help fix it. Remember to be open to your partner's point of view and his suggestions for potential solutions. See whether you can come up with a working compromise. For example, if the issue is his perpetual lateness, list the events for which he can absolutely promise to be on time (Friday night family dinners, the kids' games) and some that he can miss or be late for (dinner at your brother's house).
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2005): He sounds like a complete w*nker! (sorry to point out the obvious) if he would rather masturbate then have sex with you then in my opinion you are better off without him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2005): Absolutely not. It's one thing to dig porn, but when you're digging porn over your significant other and not even sharing the same bed, well, it's time to make some very critical decisions about this relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2005): No you aren't idealistic. Masturbating to porn is common for men. But while I understand many men like a quick, uncomplicated sexual relief, I have difficulty why some men use it to such extreme resulting in a loss of interest in his relationship. This is not right and you have a right to be concerned. Once a guy is finding sex on the internet preferable to sex with a loving, warm, hot-blooded woman laying in bed just down the hall, then this has become a serious problem. I think you need to decide whether or not your man wants to change and whether he will accept that he needs help to rid himself of what is really a kind of addiction. If he won't get any help, or sees no reason for doing so, you need to ask yourself what this relationship is doing for you, and to you. Frequently, women in your position find that their self-esteem plummets. One option is for you both to get some counseling for his sexual problem or the other option.. you could consider is just moving on. My suspicion is that you value yourself and you need to be the beautiful, sexual person you deserve to be and he's not complying. You are a smart, special and unique person and you truely deserve someone who can see that and who will value you. I realize you love him so please, before you do anything drastic, talk openly, firmly and honestly with him..stay calm but tell him exactly how you feel and ask if he'll agree to couple counseling. I wish you the best of luck with this...take care and be strong.
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, Happygoddess +, writes (13 September 2005):
Please trust your instinct on this one. You are absolutely not "too idealistic". Porn can be great fun for two people in a consentual,monogomous relationship -- but when the impact of one partner is so offensive and disprespectful to the other as his is, its time for you to ask yourself some serious questions about WHY you are with this man and find his actions acceptable. You sound like a great, educated person with alot to offer. Don't cast your pearls before swine :)
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female
reader, LEXI8580 +, writes (13 September 2005):
No not at all but I think you have both got yourself in a rut, and you need to communicate with each other before it gets any worse, it might be that he feels he cant communicate with you about his sexual needs, try having a chat with him about it.
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