A
female
age
36-40,
*onjour23
writes:I have a problem. I am living with my boyfriend for almost 2 years and our sex life has decreased a lot. We are only 24 years old. We pretty much don't have sex anymore. I been dealing with this for about a year. It seems to me like if he dont feel desire for me anymore. He always tells me that he is tired and the few times per month that we have sex he don't seem really into it what obviously turn me off, he can't finish(ejaculate) and he dont try and create a mood, he just want to go straight to the point and finish it, he's rough. I dont feel satisfied anymore and honestly I tried to address the subject so many times and in so many different ways that I am getting tired. I don't even want to try to have sex with him anymore,it's frustrating. His answers are always the same:he's tired cuz he works a lot, he loves me, I shouldnt think like that, he dont think there's a problem...but I always check the history of his computer and he go into a lot of porn websites so for me he wants to have sex, just not with me wich hurts me a lot cause I love him.I talked to him about it and he says that watching porn is normal and that he don't watch it that much even if I know he does. Wich I dont care that much as long as he stills want to have sex with me, make me feel that he desires me cause this feels aweful.But even if he didnt watch it that much, I dont understand why he don't act with passion towards me, why he don't seem to want to have sex with me. He just called me an insecure but this is not about me being insecure, I am a beautiful girl, work out pretty much every day, I graduated from college,I am starting my masters,I mean,I couldnt feel more proud and happy of being the way that I am. And there's plenty of guys that I know feel attracted to me, for me that's not a problem, if I wanted another guy I could have it yesterday but I want my boyfriend. We had a relationship for 3years and we bought a condo and I enjoy having a relationship with him, I think it's pretty serious. He is a good boyfriend in a lot of other ways, I know he loves me and he cares about me, he will cook for me, he will take care of me when I'm sick, I mean, I have no doubt that he will do anything for me, I just dont know if he desires me anymore or is more like a friendship caring type.It hurts me so much to feel that he dont want me anymore, that he's not passionate like he used to be, I dont even know how to explain how I feel. I think he just take me for granted and that he is selfish, he only thinks about himself when it comes to sex and we don't have enough comunication to talk about it, he is too close mind, too stubborn to accept that there's a problem. I really want to make it work but I am kinda giving up cause I dont want to feel like this anymore, I want to feel appreciated as a woman, I want a man that show me that he desires me and that he aknowledge that I am attractive cuz every woman want to hear that even if they know how pretty they are. I wish I didn't just hear that from other guys and actually hear it from him cuz at the very end his opinion is the most important one for me after mine cuz if I didnt have a good selfesteem I'll be depressed by now. I even moved from my country to his country to leave with him, I really want to make it work. Any help?
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depressed, insecure, porn, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): You sure are going through very tough times. I feel for ya. Wish there was one answer that would put your mind at ease. Relationships are just that, hard to figure out! No one better than you to make a decision about what you are experiencing, not good. You are right about what you want, unless there is something physical with him going on, just maybe you ought to ask if he does really need ya at his side, if not maybe moving on to someone who wants the same things as you might be a better deal! You don't have to put up with it, you know loving is not the problem, but being loved back just as much if not more...
A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (12 May 2009):
 This subject always makes me smile a little. It brings the male / female difference into sharp focus.
Bear with me ladies, this might go on a little.
ALL MEN MASTURBATE!!
Believe it or not, there are some women out there who think that their male partner does not. He does. You just have never seen him doing it.
Masturbation is second nature for a man. It is completely different to sexual intercourse. Men will look at porn, actresses, models, and fantasise about how filthy they might be. A quick fix jack-off.
Sex with the wife or girlfriend means something emotional every time, and therefore is a little more difficult than a quick wank.
Women have expectations and desires to consider during intercourse. Masturbation for a man is a purely selfish act, and has no bearing on how he feels about his partner.
So this guy of yours watches porn a lot, when there is you, this beautiful creature, available, and waiting in his bed. Lucky him!
But that is half the problem. He now feels totally under pressure to perform whenever you DO have sex. The problem in your relationship is that he feels 'safe' at his computer, and 'unsafe' with your real desires.
So sex in his mind with a make believe woman and a 'make believe' scenario is safe.
Sex with a real woman who wants 'real' feelings is quite difficult.
I smile because I have been through this. I used to live with a model some years ago. She was tall, very sexy, very intelligent, and hence, very insecure outside of the studio, without make-up, without lights etc.
Because she was away on location for days on end, I would masturbate like crazy, thinking ultra dirty thoughts about Paula Abdul and Victoria Principal.
In the end, after 7 years, I left, as she thought I didnt like her any more, and we had endless rows about it. I loved her like mad, I think about her every day even now, 20 years later. But after a while I was afraid to have sex with her, in case I couldn't get erect, or satisfy her. My own fear and immaturity was the cause.
You need to ask your man to come back to you emotionally. You both need to be honest and open, and communicate. What do you want from sex? What does he want? Then work towards the common ground between you. It's not easy, but it can be a lot of fun in the end.
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A
female
reader, JamieLou +, writes (12 May 2009):
Hey huni...
I know how you feel, i've been through the same. You could try a few different things, such as, buy some sex toys and play on the bed, don't do it in secret and just get carried away, he may see this as a turn on and join in. You could also try buying some sexy lingerie and a silk dressing gown etc and when he's on the computer etc, just stand in the doorway until he notices, its up to him if he does anything. Don't feel frustrated with him, he may have some issues on his mind that u don't know about. Try talking to him. And as for the porn, believe me sugar, its natural, u could always try making ur own porn film, just make sure it doesnt leave ur hands. Hope it helps.x
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