A
female
age
30-35,
*olaK
writes:My boyfriend of 5 years and I had a huge argument recently. I mentioned applying for a 6-month advisory governmental job in another town. He got very angry and said he doesn't want to do long distance again (we had done it for a year internationally while he attended a highly prestigious university and nearly broke up). Then he went on to say "but why advisory? Why??? You need brainpower for that kind of job". I recently got a degree in Economics, and am currently completing an internship in the financial sector. But he argued that it had to be said as "the core issue here behind you wanting to move towns for this job is because you think you're better than what you are." He agreed that this isn't something that a partner should say but said "I can't change your personality"; that I'm "not smart" but if I try very hard for this job, I may get it, but in his eyes I "won't go far in this job or beyond a middle-manager". This went on for 5 hours. The next day I was still very upset. He was apologetic and tried to take me out for my favourite breakfast and get me an early Valentine's gift. He said he'll be more supportive and didn't mean it, and was just angry. However I don't really believe him. I know people say things they don't mean in the heat of the moment but the length and descriptiveness of his rants sound like honesty to me. He is ok most of the time, but in arguments this horribly judgmental side to him comes out, as he has said things before like "you need me to make decisions for you" and "you don't know what you want". He says I'm over-sensitive if I get upset. I know I am slow but I have been trying to improve myself where I can e.g. read more history, and I did do a lot of business problem solving at uni and got As. I know he is smarter than me but he often makes me feel inferior and also guilty e.g. I failed my first two years of uni and was suspended for two years, after which I returned to uni and got my degree. He supported me financially and makes me feel bad for having to. I said in this recent argument that I have bounced back but he disagreed. I also hate how he tends to look down on others too e.g. of certain jobs/degrees. I am really doubting our future. I wish he would encourage me to grow and support me without making me feel bad for my mistakes, and was more humble. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): Grammatical correction:
"For whom did you earn your degree?" Him or you?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): Your intellect and potential isn't tied to your boyfriend's opinion. Your progress and success depends on you; not what he believes you can and cannot do.
You wrote your post knowing this. Only you're doubting yourself a little. He surprised you that he could be so cruel. He outdid himself this time. He went too far!!!
You'll show weakness and make people right about you when you submit; and start accepting whatever they say, over what you know about yourself. It takes work to grow beyond that. I know, I used to take what people say to heart. It hurt.
My previous life-partner was a very successful lawyer. He died of cancer. He was a good person, but if challenged; he could be arrogant, and his tongue was razor sharp. We met when we were in our early teens; so I knew who he really was on the inside, but he could be quite impressed with himself. He once did what your boyfriend did. He told me I should quit my job, and work for another company. Rather than the one I worked for. Twice passed-over, because I'm gay. He didn't feel I was advancing fast enough; and said it was because "I'm not edgy enough!"
I'm now Regional Director for that company. He didn't live to see it. I made it with hard work, and I believed I could do it. I beat-out seven other candidates. Including some people flown-in from other states.
It's up to you to decide what you can or can't do; and how hard you'll apply yourself to achieve your success. To drill it into you for five hours straight; means he was only trying to wear you down. He believes just the opposite. He doesn't want you to outgrow him; he wants you submissive and controllable. To be planted where he places you. To dare believe you're smart enough for that job means you'll face-off with him. Become rebellious and disobedient. Less subordinate. You won't fit the mold he designed for you.
Follow your dream. Persevere. Let no one hold you back, and don't let his petty bribery or condescension change your mind. If you let him convince you, you'll fail! You will only fail, if you believe him. Never ever say you're slow. You're more deliberate, thoughtful, and more likely to think things out; rather than to act impulsively, or impetuously.
If you made all A's, that was a total misread on his part!
He should stay out of the motivational-speaker business!
Continue applying for the job. Take it if you get it. If you have to move again, do it. If he loves you, he'll support you. This is a test. Make no sacrifice or turn nothing down you'll regret down the road.
Who did you earn your degree for? Him or you?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 February 2019):
 I think if this is common for him to do when you HAVE arguments or disagreements, it's to try and keep control OVER you.
In a sense IF you believe that you are as dumb as he TELLS you, you are, then you are not likely to surpass him in the future. You don't have to be Einstein to be successful in the work place. You have to work hard, learn fast and know how to implement new and old knowledge, and then later, add EXPERIENCE to the mix too.
You probably didn't pass the first two years because you were (no offense) a bit immature at the time. So getting the 2 years "time out" before you could resume was GOOD for you. You bounced back and did GOOD!
YOU have to believe that you can DO the things you apply for. And I think you wouldn't WANT to apply to something you would fail at. You don't seem like that kind of person.
He MAINTAINED a bit of control because he supported you while you finished your degree. And now that you have graduated and want to spread your wings... he is seeing the loss of control. Hence putting you down and being negative about YOUR decisions and thoughts.
Unless you are declared mentally incompetent, WHAT you CHOOSE to apply for as far as jobs... IS really not for him to decide. Now he CAN (as your partner) come with CONSTRUCTIVE suggestions or input, but if his ONLY real concern is that you are too stupid to do that job... it's not about the job or really you... it's about him trying to maintain control over you. The upper hand, the intellectual superiority.
So what that he is smarter? Pretty sure there are people smarter than him out there too. So what?
His IQ might be high, but his EQ (emotional intelligence) is rather... on the low side.
I think you should consider applying for jobs YOU want. That you think you can 1. handle 2. gain experience and knowledge from 3. are interested in. REGARDLESS of whether your BF thinks you can do it or not.
I do think in a relationship or marriage you DO have to consider things like distance to a job, potential income and how a new job can affect the relationship. HE could just have made THAT arguments, but he went for the "YOU are too dumb for that kind of job".
Another reason might be that YOU getting to meet new people and make new experiences WITHOUT him is something he doesn't like.
I really think you need to TRUST in yourself here. Both with regards for HIS ulterior motives in calling you stupid and in your own capabilities when it comes to work.
Trust me, MANY people have applied for and gotten jobs they had little experience in and they got GOOD at it and learned a lot.
My brother spend 4 years in college and flunked out. He was too busy with partying and pot. YEARS later, he not only went back to school, he took jobs he wasn't sure he could do, aced it somehow and kept moving up the ladder, he got his MBA and is making a VERY good living.
I wouldn't call my brother a genius. But he is tenacious, curious and a fast learner.
GO for you dreams. And consider that maybe this relationship.. has run it's course.
And remember this, OP HE IS NOT GOING to change. You can't CHANGE someone. That all comes from within. And I just don't see your BF really wanting to change. The fact that he just DISMISSES how he made you feel makes he think that he doesn't really believe he said or did anything "wrong".
After all he think he has the upper hand as he is "smarter". Being smart doesn't mean you (or he) is a great partner.
Sorry, I think YOU got some thinking to do.
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (21 February 2019):
 I think you ought to apply for the 6 month advisory job. If he doesn't like it, oh well too bad. Don't let anyone stand in your way of bettering yourself, and most of all, don't let anyone tell you that you can't, because YOU CAN! You are still young and working your way up, don't let him stop you. If he can't handle a 6 month long distance, then maybe you both aren't meant to be.
Learn to love yourself and put yourself first at times. If he truly love you, he will be supportive and not say things to put you down.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (20 February 2019):
 Sweetheart, please please PLEASE listen to your gut instinct. You have one for a good reason. Ignore it at your peril.
Just because he supported you financially for a couple of years does not mean you need to live the rest of your life feeling beholden to him and you certainly don't need to share your life with someone who tells you you are inferior.
We all have strengths and weaknesses. If you ask a goldfish to climb a tree, it will feel inferior because that is not something it can do. So your boyfriend is clever academically. Whoopee do! Good for him. I am sure you are better at some other things than HE is, like empathising with and supporting people. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. Stop allowing him to do this to you; you are already starting to believe what he tells you. You may not be as smart as him academically, but that does not mean you are stupid or inferior in any way.
In your shoes I would ask myself if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. I know I wouldn't but only YOU can decide whether YOU do. I think you are already starting to see the light. This new job could be the ideal opportunity to break free from this man and to start building up your confidence. I am sure you will work hard and prove to yourself that you are not inferior to anyone.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2019): Go for the job in the other town .. Go long distance.. long long distance .. he makes you feel inferior to make himself feel big .. You know this ...your not slow .. You panicked at uni failed went back and for a degree .. if you were my daughter I'd smack that smart ass and tell him he better get his act together and get therapy as he is no Einstein.. leave before you have no will of your own . Sit back and take stock when away
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