A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now and we're both very happy but there's one thing that I feel scared to talk to him about and it's the subject of children, he's had relationships in the past that have ended badly and this worries me sometimes, recently I have desperately been wanting to be a mother, except I'm not sure how I can talk to my boyfriend about this without scaring him, as he's not 100% sure if he would even want children yet, it's starting to upset me and I've recently had a short breakdown because of it, I want to tell him how I feel about it but I don't want to lose him, how can I do this?
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 February 2019):
 Tell him.
And also BE realistic with a time line. It might be WAY too soon for him to consider kids yet. If he is as young as you.
And DO consider whether you would marry the guy or not FIRST. I think people have kids with people they can't even see themselves married too. And what happens? They break up and the kid grows up (usually) with a single mom struggling.
Why would it SCARE him that you want kids some time down the line? I mean IF you want kids and he is "too scared" for that kind of commitment... then he REALLY isn't for you. Is he?
And discussing it NOW after a year together seems kind of normal. That way if he doesn't WANT marriage and kids... and you obviously do... then maybe it's time to part ways.
You can't get breakdowns because you are so busy walking on eggshells around someone who is SUPPOSED to be your partner.
Talk about it, see where you stand. Both of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): If he is sure he wants no children then really there is nothing to talk about. Have you even discussed marriage yet? Seems to me that if you want children marriage should come first.
It sounds as if you and him may not be compatible.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2019): Pardon typo:
"He ends-up leaving them anyway; or vice versa."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2019): If you feel afraid to talk to someone you're committed to; you're starting-off on the wrong foot. You have to create an easy-flow of effective-communication between you. That will strengthen your connection by developing trust. The strongest bonds between people is built on trust. Love flourishes on trust.
Wanting children is not something you hide from someone who may be your future spouse. What too many women do is want the man so badly, they'll sacrifice what they want. Lying by omission, doing everything they can to keep the man. He ends-up leaving them anyway; or visa versa.
All the while she's dying inside. When you're so desperate to keep a man that you deny yourself the things that make you whole and will fulfill you; you're weak and unable to survive on your own. You would be dependent on someone else to make all the decisions affecting your life. Thereby giving them power and authority over your happiness. Only God belongs in such a high position over our lives.
Your self-esteem and happiness is home-grown and self-maintained. It's not in the hands of anyone else. Not your parents, not your friends, and not your boyfriends. They only add to your happiness and validation; they shouldn't own it, or control it. They shouldn't have the power to take it from you.
You fear his answer may be no. If you want kids and he doesn't; he's the wrong guy. He's Mr. Right for only right-now; but not to be considered marriage-material, or in your future-forecast.
Develop your own strength as a woman, or find yourself being controlled by what men want; and what they'll take from you.
Your life or needs are not secondary; or contingent on the wants or desires of others. God gave you freedom of choice, and your very own soul.
Being afraid of losing someone over something as important to you as children is preparing yourself for a very sad and unfulfilled life. You will become bitter and resentful; if you give-up everything, only to discover you did it all for naught. That's one of the very reasons sites like DC exist; because of human suffering, and making bad relationship decisions. People regretful of their choices and remorseful of the sacrifices they've made in the name of love.
Approach him about it. Be the master of your fate and future. If you want children and he doesn't want them; then reassess if he's worth the sacrifice. Maybe he doesn't want them this soon in his life. I would be inclined to agree with him. You have to be mature, willing, and able to take on such responsibility. You should be financially-stable, experienced to some degree in life, and committed to child-rearing for the duration.
If you want to plan having children without marriage; that's a whole different ballgame.
Aren't there enough fatherless children out there? Men who shuck responsibility for planting their seeds allover creation; and able to just drop it all and walk. Leaving women to bring-up fatherless-boys who just repeat what their no-good fathers did. Having to learn how to be a man from a woman. Not saying women can't do it; I'm saying they shouldn't have to.
Children have to develop relationships with men they've never known; or search for men who were absent the formative years of their lives. All because mothers decide they want babies, but don't need a committed-father, or a man who doesn't love her enough to give her his name (if she wants it); and commit seriously for life. To want to give his kids his last-name, pass-down his legacy, and rights to inheritance. I've seen sad boys at games; wishing they had dads there for them like the others. They have great moms, but dads could leave when he got tired of responsibility; nothing to hold him back. He can start a new family elsewhere; and forget about the one he left-behind.
If we only need mothers, there would be no men on the planet. We need two parents to commit to each other in the eyes of the law, to give children a legal birthright, and to make men stand-up for responsibility; and be more than just sperm-donors. Call it old-fashioned; but nature has a purpose, and we defy it only to breed kids with a single-parent, a struggling-mother doing the best she can. All the while, men are just enjoying a care-free life. Leaving caring for a family as an open-option; not his moral responsibility. Kids feeling abandoned and confused why he didn't want them. Told lies and given excuses to keep them from asking questions. Fighting over money he left behind; and they never received child-support after he left them.
Divorce happens, it's a fact of life. Yes, but kids fare better in structured-households; with loving and committed married-parents. Fathers are just as important as single-mothers. Men get off scot-free, and dump babies all over the place; because women let them. If he doesn't want marriage; okay, whatever it takes to keep him right? WRONG!!!
Kids need both parents married, and committed for life. Why not? After all the hell raised when gays wanted to get married. All the hypocritical preaching and hate-speech.
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