A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm completely devastated right now. My boyfriend of two years just broke up with me, for the second time, and it's a week before my 21st. I feel helpless and lost and I don't know what to do.This might be sort of long.Some backstory: I'm 20, he's 21, and we met online in 2009, and we live a kind of long distance apart (about 500 miles). But we really hit it off online and over the phone and decided to give a long-distance relationship a shot. He had never met anyone over the net before and felt sort of weird about it, so it took him quite a long time to adjust and feel comfortable about it. He said he was only interested in a relationship if we actually got to see each other at least semi-regularly, and as long as there was a chance in the future that we would be living together, or at least in the same city.I was so happy when he decided to give me a chance, and for the last two years, he treated me like a princess. Nearly every month he has either caught a plane, bus or driven the entire trip just to see me and spend time with me, always bringing me all kinds of presents and we have so much fun together. It's always something new.And I do a lot for him too, I always make him things, buy him things, and my family really love him too. But last year, a week before our first Valentine's Day together, he broke it off. He said he couldn't stand the distance any more and he felt like I was pressuring him into a serious relationship faster than he was ready for. I had mentioned that I've always wanted to be engaged and married whilst still in my early 20s, and that it's always been my dream to at least get engaged before I'm 21. He said that was unfair and too much pressure and he couldn't do it, and instead of talking it through, he just dumped me and cut me off like that. But then a few months went by. He had treated me horribly whilst we were broken up. He had neglected me, spent all of his time hanging out with his friends and told me that if I wanted to see him then I would have to "get off my ass" and travel to see him.But I still loved him and never stopped, eventually after a lot of serious conversations over the phone, he admitted that he still loved me and missed me. So we agreed to meet up again and the next thing we knew, we were back together again. I told him that I would only get back with him if he started paying more attention to me again and to stop neglecting me like he had been over the last few months, and he said that's fine as long as I stop "pressuring" him for more committment. I agreed, although I never felt as though I was pressuring him.That was over a year ago now, ever since then I've been weary and cautious. I'm scared and cry every week that he might just call up and tell me he can't handle it again, and then I'll be alone again. But he keeps reassuring me that he won't break up with me again.He got me a promise ring as well to show that he is committed to me, I know it's kind of kiddie and girly but it made me feel special for a while. Like he actually cares about me.We've been looking for a house together over the last couple of months, he's been looking at buying one where I live and so we can finally move in together. And he has been promising me that he will propose before my 21st birthday to give me what I've always wanted.But he has put off everything, he's kept putting off househunting and he still doesn't propose to me, even when he's promised that he will. He always has an excuse like the timing didn't feel right or something like that.I know I shouldn't try to push him but he's hurt me so much. The longer we go on as just boyfriend and girlfriend, the less our relationship means to me. I needed to be more than that. After two-years I was sick of just being in LDR limbo. And I told him that. And that if he hadn't put a ring on my finger by my birthday, then I would have to leave him and focus on travelling.He promised me that he'd never let that happen.But then last week, he called me up sobbing and said that he can't do it. He said that he isn't ready to get married and that he isn't ready to move either.He broke my heart again, and now I feel so vulnerable and crushed. My 21st is in a few days time, we were just going to have a nice dinner with me, him and my family, and then he said he had a big surprise planned for me. But that won't happen now because he isn't coming over. I don't want my birthday any more and I feel like I can't trust anyone. I don't have any friends, they're all either married or living overseas now, and I don't have him any more.Life just seems pointless, and I don't know what to do.I'm sorry this was so long.I just need help... I know this might seem pathetic, and I know I've made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. But I don't see the point in anything without him.I have a room full of house things that I've been buying over the last year. Pots, pans, brooms, rugs, lamps etc. just things for our new house. At least $2000 worth of things that I've bought for us, and I sit there and think it's such a waste as all I can see in them is the future that I'll never have.And my room is full of gifts from him, teddies, jewellery, photos. I'm surrounded by things that remind me of him all day, and so all I can do is cry.I feel hopeless and lost. I don't think anyone can help me, but maybe I just needed to get this out there.
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female
reader, Tyedyedturtle  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 You didn't see the pressure you were putting on him? Please tell me you're joking. Telling a partner that you want to be married by 21 because of some schoolgirl fantasy would put plenty of pressure on a young guy. He then feels like he has a deadline and that he can't just go with the flow and enjoy the relationship. Repeatedly telling someone that you have extremely high and serious expectations for a relationship gives them a silent ultimatum: be what I want or hit the road. He felt tons of pressure! Poor guy! Also, you were in a one sided relationship. You were forcing him to do all of the legwork. He always did the traveling. He had to search for the house. He had to get serious. He had to be exactly what you wanted. When did you make him feel special? When did you do any of the work exactly?He tried to tell you NUMEROUS times that he wasn't ready and that what you wanted wasn't what he wanted. He did the right thing in attempting to let you go the first time. You wouldn't listen. You wouldn't let him go. Then you got back together. However, you didn't compromise. You kept pressuring and pushing. So, he decided he has had enough. You need to let him go. Do him a favor for a change and let him be happy! Get real!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 September 2011):
 I'm sorry you are in pain but he's always been pretty straight forward with you in terms of saying he's not ready for the level of commitment you are ready for.
LDRs are hard. I'm in one. we are only 100 miles apart and are on an every weekend visit right now and moving together before the end of the year.. but we are much older than you two.
I think he's being very stand up about it. YOU gave him a deadline... he can't meet it so he's doing the right thing which is ending the relationship so you can move on and meet someone that CAN and will make that lifetime commitment to you.
Would you rather him bite his tongue and do what he does not want to do to make you happy and then 10 or 15 years down the road have you posting here how devestated you are that the love of your life has been a sham your entire life because he never wanted to get married and only did it to make you happy?
Personally I think he's a very stand up guy. And those are the kinds of men we should love, but you are young and he is young and he knows he's not ready....
I suggest as soon as you are past the lying in the fetal position crying stage you pack away all his gifts so you can't see them. NOT throw them out... you're not ready for that.. but put them OUT OF SIGHT....
as for all the things you bought for your home... you can still use them in a home you get.... just later on.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 September 2011):
 I am sorry, I can imagine how your heart is breaking. Sadly, you had some things working against you. LDR are very difficult to maintain, and many people have the right intentions at first, but as time goes on, they just can't handle them. This is very common. Second, don't be offended, but you are young, very young and you wanted a commitment, and in the end, your boyfriend wasn't ready. He tried to tell you early on, but you were hoping he might change. Sadly, he didn't. I have gone through what you did, I know how much it hurts. For my 18th birthday, I really wanted my b/f of a year to get me some sort of significant ring...we talked about being together, I really though he might get me one...know what I got? A sweater..not even my favourite color! A week later, I found out he had cheated on my with his ex, and he ended things. I know it seems like your world is coming to an end...but you will get through this. Cry, and grieve for what you lost, but sweetheart, it will get better. He wasn't the one for you and in time, the hurt will go away and you'll realize he did you a favor. There's sooo many guys out there. Don't worry about the things you've bought, just pack them up and put them away for now, someday perhaps you'll want to use them. Grieve for a little while, go out with your family, friends, and BREATHE. I know you can't see it right now, but this guy probably did you a big favor. Be good to yourself.
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